My husband and I have been married almost
18 years, lived together for a year before
we were married. I am 42 and he is 57.
He has straight out told me, more than
once in the last several years, that he
just doesn't find me sexually attractive
anymore. He says that he still loves me
and would never cheat on me, and I
certainly feel the same way about him.
We love doing things together: we enjoy
running, movies, extended backpacking
trips, mountain climbing and just
traveling together. Certainly sex is not
everything in a relationship, and we both
feel we have it all together otherwise.
He also says that he feels sex is too much
trouble. I feel like I am too young to
not be having sex with my husband, as well
as how it makes me feel to know he feels
this way about me and sex. I love that
he is honest with me, but knowing this
really gets me depressed at times. We
have sought counseling in the past and
really don't want to go down that road
again. Any suggestions?
|
cor unum
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2005 Posts: 11 Location: Minnesota
Posted: 01-18-05 04:42am
Not to pry, but why won't you use
counseling? To me that seems to be the
best way to solve the problem. Of course
you don't need to answer that. Is he
flaccid? That could be what's killing his
mood. Ed is a direct shot at a man's ego,
it's a problem with what makes him a man.
Which would explain "sex is too much
trouble". Does he fantasize about
younger women? I know that might be a
hard question to ask, but if he does that
means he still has a sex drive. If he
doesn't then it's something wrong with his
libedo. My best advice would be
counseling. Best of luck
|
caver
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jan 2005 Posts: 8 Location: Florida
Posted: 01-18-05 07:37am
We have done counseling twice in the past,
which is why I don't know if I want to do
it again. If I thought it would help, I
might want to go. But after two times
it's not helped with the sex. Certainly
both times in counseling helped solve
other problems, but the sex issue just
keeps coming back. I'm sure he
fantasizes about younger women, always
has. Just never bothered me as much as
it does now as I was the one reaping the
benefits. Men are visual, I know that,
always have, and don't have a problem with
it. It just really bothers me now when
he notices other women because he's not
noticing me. I asked him last night if
he still masturbates and he answered yes.
That's not too much trouble? So I know
he wants sex, obviously just not with me.
He acts like it's too much trouble,
that's how I feel, learn to deal with it.
We have a very honest and good
relationship otherwise, I just don't know
if that's enough to make up for the sex.
|
cor unum
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2005 Posts: 11 Location: Minnesota
Posted: 01-18-05 15:41pm
Hmm that is a difficult situation. Have
you tried tempting him with things he
likes about your sex together or personal
fantasies? I have a hard time relating
myself to your husband, i'm up for sex
pretty much all the time. You say he
still masturbates? Maybe that's your
in...Offer to do it for him.
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jriegel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Nov 2004 Posts: 54
Posted: 01-21-05 15:33pm
To let you know my intent in this response
as well as my inflictions, I am not flying
off the handle and irrately typing this.
I calmly and flatly have to say that your
husband's attitude is completely
unacceptable.
While it is true that may be how he feels,
it sounds like he is unwilling to try any
possible means to change it, or consider
any possible reason why he has reached
this point. It sounds like he expects
you to just accept that he is desiring
other women and himself more than his life
mate.
I don't know what you look like or what
your style is but if you haven't tried it
yet: get a new hair style (one you like
but one that's different from the one
you've had the past 5, 10, 15 years) buy
some new clothes, try wearing makeup,
jewelry. It sounds like you're outdoorsy
type people and where I come from those
type of people (myself included) spend
significantly less energy on their looks.
Look into a skin care regime or even
procedure to freshen up your look and help
you look younger, revived, etc. You have
a responsibility to your husband to look
your best and keep yourself up, even if it
means wearing nicer clothes that you
wouldn't usually wear, wearing a little
more makeup, doing your hair a little more
often (this is all from personal
experience. This has been like a two
year shift for me and i'm still in the
early stages of learning to make myself
look more than presentable).
Don't approach this as a desperate attempt
to catch his eye. You attitude in this
should be out of respect for his needs (a
woman who makes an effort to look good for
him) and for yourself (i'm still learning
this one). You really do feel better
about yourself when you put some effort
into this, even if you don't think you
feel bad about yourself right now
(although it sounds like you may).
Someone told me once, when you feel your
worst is when you should make the most
effort to look your best.
Your husband has a responsibility to you
as his wife to make an effort to try to
please you. *sex is not about his need
(or lack of it) for pleasure*
you both exist in this relationship and
make an effort in it. Sex is not an
exception. He needs to make an effort to
please you and take care of you. That
alone should be a turn on for him and
something he desires. If not, he's got
some rocky roads ahead in these mid to
later years in your marriage. *it's not
all about him*. You are in this together
to meet each others needs in every area.
It sounds like he just doesn't care to
even make an effort. Maybe he's afraid
of something? If I were you I would not
let him get away with this. I'm not
talking about nagging him until he
responds just to get you to leave him
alone. I'm talking about challenging his
attitude, helping him realize that while
he may not feel like he has the need any
more you do, and as your husband he has a
responsibility and should desire to please
you and take care of your needs.
He obviously does have a desire for this
but is using other outlets, which is
totally inappropriate in a relationship
where you have out and out committed
yourselves to each other...If you didn't
want that type of committment, why did you
get married?
Anyway, I would ask him to sit with you
and talk through it and be open abuot what
he's feeling. Help him talk it through
and find out why it seems like he doesn't
even care to find out why he doesn't
desire you any more, and hopefully that
will lead to finding out what's missing
and you can work through it together
towards a deeper relationship based on
serving each other and meeting each
others' needs.
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