Dealing With Aging Parents

Hi, andrea, your post struck a chord with us. We are both mental health professionals (clinical psychologist and clinical social worker) and the authors of the book are your parents driving you crazy?. We've both been caregivers for aging parents: one of us takes care of a mother who is 97 as we write this. Our book, now in its second edition and available through amazon, can be of help to you and othrs in your position. We agree with you that a forum on this topic is warranted, and we'd be happy to serve as sources of help and guidance to people who post questions and who need help solving problems. Along with us, we know that other "adult children" can offer real help and useful guidance as well. We'll check in every so often and see whether we can be of help to anyone.

I second this idea!!! I am a caregiver in the home care industry and deal with elderly and handicapped clients on a daily basis. I love my job but it would be soo nice to have a forum where people that care for elderly, wether it be a family member or a home care worker, can come on and share experiences, ask questions, and get support.

It is always difficult to do something like this but you know you have made the correct decision especially with medical situations even though they have driven for years and years it is difficult on their behalf and believe me I am not trying to make you feel guilty or anything as I do understand as my .Dad had alzheimer's and he was in denial and the only way we could grt him to quit driving is to hide his keys, even though he had been in an accident shortly before but thank goodness he did not hurt anyone or himself he was always a john wayne in my eyes, 6ft 2 in, eyes of blue and when he past on he was not even 100lbs. It is sooo scary this day and age! You always think of grandma baking cookies and going on picnics and going to grandmas and grandpas house we always did something with them, you just wonder what on earth is going on. Just to think that we could be on the negative side of this is scary but they say they live in their own little world and they are content, so I must try to believe that, even though it is hard for me to believe because my dad became abusive at times and he was the type that would never hurt a flea, but I have to keep telling myself, it was the diease and not him!
My thoughts are with you and yours! Your idea is great!

This is the type of forum I have been searching for. For some reason, there is not enough help out there for the aging people in this world. Thanks to people like joeand carol, they took the time to appraoch the subject with experience and knowledge.
Everyone thinks their situation is different and need individual attention. Well, they are right. No one person's problem is the same, but there are similar situations from others, if combined, that can help in some way. This is why I think an aging forum is needed.
With the population of older people (myself included) growing everyday, this is going to become an epidemic for information of which there is very little.
My situation is one of caring for me mother who is 84 years old with early alzheimers. She also is in complete denial, but I tok away her keys and drivers license last fall. My father passed away from lung cancer just last month. His only concern before he died was that mother was taken care of. They had been married for 63 years and never once were they apart. This is another story which could be made into a romance novel.
My mother is very self sufficient. She doesn't need constant supervision, but should not be left alone for too long. Not only is she still greiving the loss of her life partner, but also dealing with her dimentia at the same time. Immediate move would be harder on her.
My sister and I have been looking into assisted living facilities, but mom doesn't want to leave her home. "this is where your father and I lived, and this is where I want to stay. I can take care of myself."
i need to make sure she takes her medications on time, her pill box is set with the right pills, remind her what day it is, turn off the stove when she gets distracted with other things around the house, etc. Nothing truly life threatening, but still watching over her.
I live on the east coast but am currently semi-retired at 58. I am here in the midwest taking care of mom while my wife in back home running the show (she is a saint). This is something that we both agreed would be best at this point. My sister is not of too much help because she is too busy with her business.
Does anyone have any thoughts?

I agree that this would be a great topic.My nana has lived with me for almost 20 years of my life and I have seen her go through the worst.She just got rushed to the hospital last week for her lungs collapsing.It was found that there was carbon in her lungs but the only way to get it out was to put a tube down her throat while she was under anestesia(can't spell it right) but she would not be strong enough to come out of it.Now the carbon dioxide had traveled to her brain through air and she does not really make sense anymore.She makes things up and sometime acts like she is back in time in her 20's or 30's.It would be nice to have a forum for these type of things : )

I am so sorry to read about your nana. I can relate in a very minor way to her living a past life. This is becoming more and more prevalent with my mom. She has made stories up about her sister which has become an obscesion with her. No matter how hard we try to convince them otherwise, it does no use.
My thoughts are with you.

Thank you tony,she said something like "where are my babies,why are they crying?Go check on them!" I just went along with her story and told her they were getting baths and babies hate getting bathes" she looked dead at me and said "well you better make sure they don't cry like that again!" it kinda freaked me out a lot!

I thank the dear lord for our faith and trust in him to give us what we need when we need it. Since my father passed away last month, my mom's memory comes and goes. She has not reached the point of total immagination straying. She still has touch with reality, but definitely in denial on her need for supervision on a regular basis.
Her sister, my aunt, is now reaching that point and is driving my cousin (her 24 hour caregiver) crazy. When we visit them, mom sees the devistating effect of this horrible desease. She says, I will never get that way, but I keep saying that she will, but she will not know it when it happens.
When you see the ones you love slowly deteriorate in front of your eyes, I begin to wonder who has it worse. It is worth this forum to continue to at least help one another with coping our own sanity, and assist those we are helping ease into their next stage as comfortably as possible.

I was looking for a forum similar to this and was going to suggest it. I figured I'd search to see if was already mentioned.

This would be a wonderful forum as I am helping my aging grandmother not to mention I already have a full plate with all my stuff.
Just to have others to talk to would be awesome and see how they cope.
It is so sad to see what becomes of life. These dear people took care of us and and to see them decline like this......it's very tough...I am thankful to be able to help her but it's not like it use to be due to my own declining health.
Anyway this would be a great forum!!

Aging issues is definitely a great forum suggestion. Thank you for bringing this up!

I would really love to see this forum, I get to the point of nuttiness at times looking for someone to talk to.

Thanks

Yes ... caregivers DO give sooo much! I'm on it.

Thank You so much, today is one of those days that forum would help.

Yes, I think some of us need an outlet for our frustration, our fears, our grief and our sense of loss - feelings we all have to deal with when our elderly relatives begin the road to decline. I feel sad as I watch the life recede from my parents' bodies, the spirit die in their eyes. I know there is nothing I or anyone else can do to hold back time.

And it is not just the elderly - some of us are caring for terminally ill partners and children, some are trying single-handedly to maintain a quality life for disabled relatives. I have read posts on here from people who are struggling to understand and to care for their mentally ill siblings. You can sense their guilt and shame that they can't do everything, can't be everything - in short, they feel they can't cope.

We need a forum where we can express some of these feelings, where it is okay to feel angry, resentful and confused. Caregivers can cope, and do cope - but sometimes they just need a bit of care themselves.

Hi shonster

You are so right with your post. It is very difficult to see our loved ones decline.
I know with me when I'm having an "off day" with my grandmother I get mad at myself because she is having one of those days, it's very tough watching this happen.

I know at times my children and husband feel my frustration (I am sick a lot...another story)..and I ask how fair is it for them to deal with all this also?

There are other people in the family but they don't bother to help at all, it is very sad.
We try to make the most of our time with her and the most of the time with each other. We never know what tomorrow will bring. I learned that when I lost my grandpa.

Sorry I went on and on here and it's not the board for it.
Thanks for letting me get this out.

Thanks

My 90 yr-old mom fell and broke her leg in January. She cannot put any weight on it until mid-March. She's hoping to go back to living at home, but my two sisters, brother and I, the closest of whom lives 3hrs away, all agree she should make the move to assisted living now, when she's done with rehab. Or, perhaps an apartment if she has a smooth recovery. She also has early stage dementia that has definitely worsened in the last year since my dad died, and we don't think she should be living alone--the mind needs some stimulation. Eight years ago we tried to get my parents to move close to us, but they wouldn't.

My siblings and I are taking turns visiting her in the nursing home as she goes through rehab, but none of us can go and live with her permanently. Two of us are in VA, one in OH and one in IL; she's in WI. She could move closer to one of us, but we're afraid the unfamiliarity will speed up the dementia process. Our spouses aren't happy about us always leaving them, either, although all of them are understanding. Sadly, my mom has quite a strong personality, and I don't think any of us could live in the same household with her--our spouses are not quite THAT understanding.

Now my brother asked if we all want to chip in to buy a bigger bed for my mom's house so that he and his wife can sleep comfortably, while all the rest of us are satisfied with the existing double bed, or the floor. We've always gotten along well, but these little disagreements might turn into something bigger. Fortunately, except for her modest house, she has few assets, so none of us will ever be arguing over that.

I'd like to say, that if she can manage the ADLs okay, she could go back home, but we all still believe she needs to be around other people. It's so hard to know what to do. I was always slow in making decisions --overanalytical--and this whole question about what to do about Mom is overwhelming.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'll gladly listen.

Does your mom have a will stating power of attorney or appointment of health care representative?

This is important to have. It took a near tragedy to get my mom to have all this drawn up. I had it done way before her due to my health problems I want to make sure when I'm gone in a state of not being able to make decisions for myself that I have a mature trusted loved one to take oversee my needs.

Your brother should not be asking for everyone to chip in to buy a bigger bed so he can sleep more comfortably with his his spouse.

Can you get some help in there for your mom from an agency that helps the elderly? There are some wonderful programs to aide the elderly and it helps the family a lot also.

Feel free to pm me if you'd like..I'm going through a lot with my grandmother and others not helping at all. I'm not trying to sound selfish but there comes a point when others should stop being jerks and step up to plate and help out. Your siblings are helping but it sounds like it can get a little on the rough side.

Hang in there