Adam and I (amber), have been dating for
over a year now. We love each other
dearly and my family adores and loves him
to death. He has always done things like
said a model looks like a horse when he
sees her on a magazine, or said she looks
like an alien, but I knew he was lying.
Well, the other night(just recently got
cable modem), I got online and when I
typed in "www." an entire list of porno
came up. I was shocked, it's not like him
at all :o so we had a talk later on,
mainly consisting of my crying and wanting
to hit him(but didn't). I was just so
hurt. We had conversations about it in
the past, we talk like best friends, very
comfortable, and he gave me the impression
that sex was also a sacred thing to him
and he was very disturbed by the thought
of me looking at other men, and I got the
impression that he also meant that he
didn't like porn either.
Welllllll.......I do understand he is 19,
I had a talk with my mom today and she
said it hurts me so much because I am so
jealous because I am so young, she said
she had to deal with it too as well as
many other women, and that he won't ever
stop looking at women that way, but that
doesn't mean he won't always love me and
still be attracted and pleased with me. I
just want to know how others feel, I am
trying so hard to let it go and be proud
for him coming clean (no pun intended),
but it hurts so bad to see all of those
pretty women, and to know what he is
probably thinking, how do I move on and
just let it go? Thanks for looking....
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MaseAfter5Years
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Dec 2004 Posts: 6
Posted: 01-12-05 03:08am
Its called masterbation...Guys do it, its
healthy...And you have to remember sex
isnt love. In my opinion at least, let
him masterbate to hot woemn its fine, he
sees him gets off, and the other 23 hours
and 59 minutes are yours. And hes most
likely thinking about u.
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PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
Posted: 01-15-05 14:34pm
Your mom is right.He will not ever stop
looking at women.That is not a bad
thing,how you respond to it can be.I know
my husband looks at other women,but he is
at home with me at night and I am the one
he is with.Being young and not as
confident as you will be in a few
years,you will learn to laugh off things
like this.On the other hand,if your guy is
using porn as a substitute for real
intimacy with you,that is a real problem
and one you cannot handle on your
own.Remember,those models have been
enhanced by airbrushing,professional
make-up and hair people plus a little
cosmetic surgery thrown in for good
measure.They are paid to represent a
fantasy most of us do not measure up
to.Sure,they look great,but can they do
what you do??Do they work,go to school and
run a household by themselves???Don't try
to measure yourself against them,it will
only make your self esteem
plummet.Instead,find one good thing about
yourself and build on that.You have many
good qualities,just focus on them!!!
Patty
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jriegel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Nov 2004 Posts: 54
Posted: 01-20-05 15:50pm
Contrary to what your mom and some other
people believe, there are some men who do
not look at pornography (and aren't gay
either), there are also those who have at
one time looked at pornography and have
stopped and been able to not look at it
again. The human soul is stronger than
any sexual organ.
If he loves you, and understands how it
affects you, he will make an effort. If
it is that important to him, he will stop.
Unless he believes that it is impossible
to stop. But if a mother can lift a
burning truck off her child to save him
because it's important to her, he can stop
looking at porn if he understands it's
that important to you.
Here's the thing: relationships are never
50/50, they are 100/100. Each person
gives all of themself to care for and meet
the needs of the other person. Each
person has boundaries which are areas
where they can't give of them selves all
the time or to a great extent. That is
healthy and necessary. And part of
loving the other people with 100%, not 50%
is knowing where their boundaries are and
not crossing them or asking them to.
You boundary is that you don't want him to
look at porn. *you* want to be what he
desires and is captivated by. Sex and
sexuality seem very important and sacred
to you. If he respects you and loves you
(as in cares about you as a person and
companion, not just an attraction) he will
make this a priority, and I can tell you
from experience, it is possible for him to
stop and not even desire it any more.
Anyone else who says different has been
burned and is cycnical. That is
unfortunate for them, but don't let that
be the only opinion you have. There are
always other options and choices and
possibilities.
Talk it through with him. Let him know
how important it is to you. If he seems
unable or incapable, you know that you may
not be his first priority.
I can say that for people who are very
involved in looking at porn, it can be a
difficult and intimidating thing to
consider stopping. Some people may feel
like it is impossible (by the way, not
only guys have issues with looking at
porn, there are many women who have a
problem with it too). Some people don't
think looking at porn is bad, but I think
just by the way that you and thousands of
other people are negatively affected in
relationships because of it says there's
something more to it than just a hobby.
Anyway, those are my thoughts to encourage
you to have hope and be strong and set
your boundaries.
|
jriegel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Nov 2004 Posts: 54
Posted: 01-20-05 15:58pm
maseafter5years
wrote:
and the other 23 hours and
59 minutes are yours. And hes most
likely thinking about
u.
for someone who wants a genuine
relationship and wants to know that the
person truly desires them and wants them,
"most likely" almost all of the time he's
thinking about you... That's just not
good enough. Some people say that's
reality. I say that's a sad acceptance of
way less than second best.
Like I said, I can tell you from
experience it is possible to have a man
who does not desire porn, who once looked
at it and stopped and does desire you
more. I'm not saying it's not a struggle.
I don't deny there are plenty of women
who are more beautiful than I am, thinner
than I am, blah blah blah the list goes
on. But he *chooses* to love me, and me
alone.
It is possible. Don't settle for crap.
Stick with him and encourage him, but
don't give in to hopelessness. And if he
can't respect your boundaries in your
relationship then move on.
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