Let me start off by saying I really love
my wife. I try to show her my love with
words and actions. In the past I was not
a very good husband. I was often angry
and would have terrible out bursts. I
belive most of my anger was caused by me
being frustrated. My emotional and sexual
needs were not being met. I told her this
but she never would change. I never
physically abused her. I went to my
family md and he suggested
anti-depressants. I wish I had done that
long ago. That person I use to be is
gone. My emotional needs and sexual needs
still aren't being met, but with the help
of the meds I am ok with it now.
I really believe I am the only one trying
in this marriage. It seems like it's
always been this way. She says she loves
me but I have never heard her say "i love
you" unless it's in reply to me saying I
love you first.
In the last 10 years she has kissed me
maybe five times. I know it's not my
hygiene because I am very conscious of
that. I have asked her why and she always
replys "people just don't go around
kissing all the time."
as far as our sex life, it's about as dull
as it gets. We have sex may once a month
if i'm lucky. When we do it's missionary
only and as she say "no funny stuff". She
always has a orgasm first so thats not a
problem. She doesn't like any foreplay.
I have asked why, she says thats just the
way she is. She currently takes
anti-anxiety meds which she has to have.
I suspect that the meds are some of the
problem.
I need help.
|
cor unum
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2005 Posts: 11 Location: Minnesota
Posted: 01-18-05 04:35am
Did she act this way before the meds?
That is the most important question. If
so, then I believe that she doesn't love
you and is using you for security. If
not, then the drugs probably have had an
effect. In that case i'd talk to my
doctor about it. Personally I don't
believe pills to be the answer to this
problem, in fact it might be the cause of
it. Best of luck
|
jriegel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Nov 2004 Posts: 54
Posted: 01-21-05 15:48pm
I feel like there are three or four
possible options, and it may be a
combination of all of the above.
You have been married for a long time and
I can't believe you've stuck it out this
long. As frustrating as it may have been
for you, congratulations. You are a
strong man. It seems like you really care
about her as a person and a companion, and
desire that from her. Keep up the hope.
This can be worked out.
I think the meds are most likely affecting
her. That is pretty typical. I also
think there's a possibility, as suggested
earlier, that she is not attracted to you
and does not care about you but is using
you for security. I have never heard of
anyone lasting that long in a relationship
for the only reason of security. So that
may be part of it but I think it's small.
Honestly, to me, it sounds like she may
have been sexually, physically, verbally
and/or emotionally abused in the past (by
others and by you, as you have stated).
From personal experience I can tell you
that will keep any woman from opening up
intimately (either relationally or
physically). Especially if your behavior
pre-meds compounded that. It also sounds
like she may have come from a very strict
religious background that taught (either
directly in a sunday message or indirectly
through attitudes and comments) that sex
was dirty and bad. This couldn't be
further from the truth. It is the supreme
model of what it means to be human and
love another person.
Anyway, it sounds like she's got a pretty
thick, hard shell and it may be difficult
to break through it to address these
issues. But if it is worth it to you, I
encourage you to keep loving her and
helping her. See that it doesn't have to
do with you (it really doesn't seem like
it) but there are really deep tough issues
she is dealing with. Love her through it
and always try to see her from the other
side - when she irritates you or
frustrates you or disappoints you, always
think about who she will be as she goes
through the process of learning what is
making her so closed and cold, and what
your relationship will be like when she
understands that and is able to love you
like you want to be loved.
As a spiritual person I can tell you that
if her attitude/behavior is related to a
spiritual problem, it is possible and ok
to have a hot, experimental sex life
(within certain boundaries that you both
need to share and respect).
Best of luck
|
kristy6803
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jan 2005 Posts: 12 Location: TX
Posted: 01-25-05 11:33am
I am currently on some anxiety-depression
medicine and I am the same way that your
wife is...I never want to have sex. I am
young and a newlywed so I think it is your
wife's medication.
|
PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
Posted: 02-04-05 15:17pm
It's great that the two of you sought help
with meds,maybe some couples therapy could
help the two of you communicate
better.I've been with my husband for 12
years and we still show each other
affection many times a day and tell each
other we love each other every day.I'm not
saying we have sex constantly or gush over
each other all the time,but you can show
affection by doing small gestures(getting
up first and making coffee or warming up
the car).Foreplay is not always about what
happens in the bedroom!You cannot treat
your partner as if they are not there all
day long,then hop in the sack and expect
red hot lovin'!I'm not saying that this is
the case with the two of you,but I know
over time ,it is easy to let the little
things slide.Best to both of you.
Patty
|
tomz
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2004 Posts: 62 Location: Pennsylvania
Medication May Only Be a Fix to the Root. Posted: 02-05-05 15:36pm
It sounds like you and/or your wife have
lost touch with one another. Some of
this may have been through hurt and
disapointment which has caused walls to
form. More so it sounds definately from
your wife's view. It doesn't mean you
both don't love or care for each other,
you have just settled for live as is.
You must find what really makes your wife
tick. You need to pursue her, woo her,
romance her, make her laugh, make her cry
(by her knowing you understand her). Men
are geared to pursue their love such as
treasure, and women love to be treated as
they are treasured.
I would first recommend you to read "the
five love languages" by gary chapman.
Find out what love language you speak.
Find out what love language she speaks.
Men will respond by the love language that
speaks to them, when their wife speaks a
different love language. Then the men
don't feel appreciated, the women still
doesn't feel loved.
Summary on the 5 love languages:
1. Words of affirmation
2. Quality time
3. Receiving gifts
4. Acts of service
5. Physical touch
another book I would recommend is "the two
sides of love" by gary smalley and john
trent. This book will help you to
understand 4 basic personality types. It
helps you to better understand how people
are wired.
It amazing when you understand these
principles, you better identify peoples
strengths and weaknesses.
Women are wired to be more emotional than
physical. Men wired to be physical than
emotional. If you meet the emotional
needs of your spouse, she will feel a bond
and meet your physical needs.
I hope you will find the answers to make
your marriage strong.
Best wishes,
tom
|
Sweetestgrl0717
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Feb 2005 Posts: 8 Location: U.S.A
It Can Be the Med. Posted: 02-05-05 15:51pm
I believe that it isnt that she doesnt
love you... I think that the med. Can be
part of it.. But sometimes people arent
the greatest at showing their love for one
another...Maybe she wont show you her
love.. But I am sure that deep inside she
does love you and cares for you.. If she
didnt then why would she be with you? She
could have gone off and found someone
else..You have to have faith and give it
time.. Maybe she is stressed out or
something.. You should try to take her on
vacation so she can leave everyone and
everything behind...Show her your love..
Tell her how much she cares.. Then look
at how she reacts by it.. If she doesnt
care what you have to say then I ma
sorry..She might need a break (not from
you :!: )..
Do you guys have any kids?? Was she like
this before you guys got married??
Well I dont know what else to tell you but
to wish you the best of luck!! Stay
strong!! Good things will happen!! Just
give it some time!!!! :lol:
