Should You End It If You Love Someone?! Pls Help!!!!!!!!!! Posted: 02-11-05 09:32am
Hi, I need your help, your opinions from
the outside would be greatly appreciated!
I have been with my (now fiance) for 4
years, he's slightly older than me and has
two children from a previous relationship.
I have found that over the years he lies
to me about money, the mortgage is in my
name and I found out the other day that I
have been giving him my half to pay the
mortgage and he hasnt been paying it and
using my money to pay off debts in his
name, he seems to have no regard for
finance/mortgage in my name. He was also
hiding reminder letters from my mortgage
company saying that I will get defaulted
all these letters were addressed to me and
he's been hiding them in fear that I will
find out....But I am the one who will get
in trouble!!!!!!!!!!!! Ive also found out
that he is in a lot of debt, he has so
many loans yet still tries to get
more...He's terrible wioth money and it
scares me!!!!! Since he has been getting
me in trouble with my mortgage (and I
didnt know about it) he asked me to marry
him and tried to get me to sign a
declaration of trust to confirm what he
would get should things go wrong (so he
obviously thought that if I found out we
would split..I dont know?!!) I dont want
to live my life paying off debt and since
I have been with him there hasnt been a
year that has gone by when something bad
financially has happened.
Also, he's not the most affectionate
boyfriend and considering he lies to me
about money and things that he has brought
(and not just little things...One was a
15k van!) it makes me wonder if he really
loves me.
On the other hand we have the same sense
of humour, we laugh all the time and we
get on well and most importantly I love
him. But should you leave someone if you
love them....Is that dangerous?!
I know he hasnt done this to me to spite
me, he has always been this way, before he
met me! I just dont want to live my whole
life paying off debt and being broke, I
have a good job, work hard and am on good
money, so I feel it is unfair to me. I
know financially I will be better off, but
I love him....What do I do?!!!!!!!!!
I have confronted him and I have been
staying at my sisters house, but I just
dont know what to do. He says he loves
and I really do love him, but now I cant
trust him. We have fun together and he is
my best friend.
Should you end a relationship with someone
if you still love them?
Is money a good enough reason to end a
relationship?
Please help me, I dont know what to do?
|
sparklypixie12
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Sep 2003 Posts: 3099
Posted: 02-11-05 10:33am
Hi firstly from a personal point of view I
think you're barmy! This guy is gonna
take you for everything you've got &
everything you work hard for. At the end
of the day, it's you who is gonna have to
deal with everything when you're getting
defaults to your name & solicitors
letter through the door whereas he can
just walk away. Can you really have a
future with someone who lies to you,
cheats you out of money to pay their debts
and hides important things from you? I
would say no. The basis of a good strong
relationship is trust & this is
clearly what you're lacking. I can't
blame you-i wouldnt be able to trust him
either.
You need to take a long, hard look at the
situation. Sure you love him but does
that mean you should take crap form him?
And yes he makes you laugh but one day
he's really gonna make you cry. I read
these stories all the time-in magazines
and on the telly & it always goes one
way-the woman ends up heartbroken with
debts up to her eye balls & regrets
ever having let the man walk all over her.
I apologise if anything I said was harsh
but I don't like to see people being made
fools of. Best wishes with everything
|
sarahk
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Jan 2005 Posts: 108 Location: England
Posted: 02-11-05 11:01am
Dear sparklypixie12 (thats a great
username by the way!)
thank you, you have told me what I need to
hear, and no, not at all harsh!
I know ive been stupid and if a friend
came to me with the same problem I would
advise them to leave in a heart beat.
Its going to be hard, but I have so much
to look forward to, the house is mine, I
can rent some rooms out and have a proper
girlie pad.....Oh and the girlie
holidays!!!!!!!! ....And of course I will
be better off financially!!!!
All in all I think my future is brighter
without him, even though I love him I know
ihave no future there.
Thanks x
|
Justin_Toronto
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jan 2005 Posts: 418 Location: Toronto, ON
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 02-16-05 17:52pm
This is not an issue of breaking up with
him over money.
It's about him lying, not trusting you,
and doing things behind your back.
Stability is important, and it's obvious
he is still not mature enough to be
financially stable on his own. This is
important, especially if you're going to
get into a marriage with this guy.
Do yourself a favor, get out and find
someone who has their feet on the ground,
and is able to pay their own bills.
|
nadeentears
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jan 2005 Posts: 78 Location: Canada
Should You End It If You Love Someone Please Help Posted: 02-18-05 10:26am
Any relation that starts with lies never
last long. You should take an action and
decide what is best for your future? If
he lies from now what is he going to do in
the future? You can not trust him at all.
Financial problems is very complicated.
You can not handle loans and debts. It
will destroy your life and turn it upside
down. You will never enjoy your life. We
marry to have good and better life. Trust
is the main factor that makes marriage
successful and last for ever. Sit to your
self and think deeply, and ask yourself
does this man deserve my love and
confidence?
My heart is with you
|
nottingham
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2005 Posts: 7 Location: Southwest Missouri
Posted: 02-18-05 15:13pm
There is only one thing besides leaving
him that I can think of to do. Lay down
the law. From now on, you will handle
all of the finances including his money.
I think if he really loves you and is not
trying to take you for all you've got,
then he will agree wholeheartedly to this.
If he has even the slightest problem
accepting that arrangement, then tell him
to hit the road!!!
|
tomz
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2004 Posts: 62 Location: Pennsylvania
Run When It Is Clear. Posted: 02-19-05 14:32pm
Sarahk,
this guy doesn't really love you. He is
using you. He probably doesn't know what
love is, if he is divorced with two kids
or has two kids without being married (i
don't think you specified).
I would do the following 1st,
1. Make sure you are not listed jointly
on any credit cards. I would get a
credit check from equifax for yourself for
about $50.00 covering the three major
credit bureaus to see what is outstanding
on your credit record. I would consider
getting a credit check on your fiance as
well to actually see how far debt he is in
and if you responsible for any of it.
(make sure he hasn't opened credit cards
in your name.) if you find problems, get
yourself an attorney to keep you from
getting into more problems.
2. Have your utility bills placed in his
name or your name, but not both. Since
you own a home together. If you decide
to move out of the house and the utility
is in only his name, he is responsible.
If the utility is in your name, you
discontinue service and force him to put
it in his name. If you hold any
utilities jointly, if you move out, you
are still responsible if your name is
listed on the account.
3. Never give him money to pay bills.
Make the check of your portion to the
utility company or you take care of the
bills. He is not trustworthy.
4. Once you know you have no other
financial ties to himbut the house, I
would make plans to sell the house. He
has the right to refuse if you jointly own
it. You can stop paying but the house
may be forclosed and you are partly
responsible if you don't have enough
equity in the house to cover the
mortgage.
5. Once the house is sold. Run from
him as fast as you can and learn from this
mistake. The guy is a bum and doesn't
have your best interest at heart.
Financial stress is the number one reason
marriages fail. Find someone who you
love and returns love. Work together to
build your nest egg, family, and your
life.
