If you've read any of my other posts you'd
know that I need to gain a pound a week or
I will be withdrawn from my university: I
am 40 lbs underweight. My bmi is 14.7.
Anyway, i've been doing that : I need to
stay in school. It's paid for and i'm
not wasting my money or time spent. It's
really hard though. Gaining this weight
makes me feel terrible. I feel so much
worse inside than before, and i'm acting
so much happier on the outside to mask
that. I"m doing a really f'ing good job,
might I add. I guess I just need some
support...Some strength. I wish someone
here would just...Hug me, tell me that i"m
alright...That i'll be fine. I don't
know what's going to happen to me. If
i'll die due to my e.D., suicide from
depression....I'm just unsure. Will I
fail this battle? ...But which battle is
that - the battle to beat my ed or that
battle to continue to be in control and
keep my ed..? It's tough. There are 2
parts of me, and i'm afraid. The
conflict between the two make this so
difficult. It's killing me in every
possible way.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a good
actress. I want someone to see through
me. I want someone to care. I feel
completely alone and powerless.
|
mshanson
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Nov 2004 Posts: 102 Location: California
You Can Win! Posted: 02-19-05 17:25pm
:? I know it must seem like you are
fighting all the time --- your ed voice
says one thing, your healthy voice syas
another, and no matter what you do (eat or
starve) you feel guilty. I have been in
the same situation --- I ahve been h
ospitalized 2x for anorexia in the past, I
was even on a feeding tube for awhile ---
and I hated gaining weight.
But hang in there. It does get better and
easier. It's been 8 years since the
hospital, and although I still have days
where I struggle with eating or want to
skip meals, I usually know what the right
thing is to do --- and that's fight the
eating disorder. It is a deadly disease
that wants to kill you. Don't give in to
its messages. Yes, you feel fat &
ugly now because you are not used to
eating, but you are actually coming back
to life. Life will improve.
You only get one chance in this world (as
far as we know) so why spend your time
destroying yourself? Why kill yourself
early?
As you eat better & your brain can
think more clearly because it is
nourished, you will realize that life can
be good & that food is fuel you need
to live.
Good luck!
|
emptyalive
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Jan 2005 Posts: 39 Location: Wisconsin
Coin Flipped Posted: 02-19-05 21:12pm
Thanks a lot for the reply. It makes me
feel better to hear from someone who has
gone though these things. It's also
(believe it or not) comforting to know
that you still struggle w/ it, and that's
it's not easy at all-naturally. This way
I don't feel like such a completely
hopeless, worthless, and helpless child
who has no chance at all-destined to be
completely taken over by this stupid e.D.
I hate it so so much (but I love it...) .
You know what I mean. I'm sure you do.
I hope you continue to do well- as well as
you can.
Thanks for giving me a little hope.
Peace.
|
mshanson
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Nov 2004 Posts: 102 Location: California
Posted: 02-21-05 17:55pm
:d i'm glad you feel some hope. Yes,
there is life after anorexia! As I said
before, just hang in there and try to
listen to your healthy voice. That will
get you well.
I think every woman in our society
struggles with weight, body image, &
eating issues. I know that I have found
some peace but that doesn't mean I don't
still often obssess or worry or wonder.
You are not weird or stupid --- and you
are definitely not alone!
Write me anytime you need support --- I do
know what you're going through.
|
emptyalive
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Jan 2005 Posts: 39 Location: Wisconsin
Scared Posted: 02-21-05 19:37pm
I get weight tomorrow. Im' scared that I
haven't gained a pound- and that means
medical withdrawl. I haven't been able
to sleep lately, moreso than usual. This
has completely taken over my mind. I
just want to finish this semester but
everything I eat something - even fruit
now- I feel horrible. I want to hurt
myself for letting someone else control
me. I am giving into this..... I feel
like i"m denying what I really want, and
that is my e.D. And I know that it's not
what I really want but ..... I do?! You
know exactly what I mean, though it sounds
complicated... It makes perfect sense to
me and others who have or do suffer. My
depression is worsening and I feel like I
can't talk about it. I want to appear
perfect...In control, and stable. I just
wish someone would see through me.
|
mshanson
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Nov 2004 Posts: 102 Location: California
Posted: 02-22-05 22:50pm
I feel so sad for you! Yes, I know
exactly how awful you feel. It's because
you aren't getting enough nutrition &
your brain, mood, & body are all
suffering. Of course you feel horrible!
You need help. Why don't you just tell
someone you trust how you feel? You don't
really want your e.D., but right now it is
messing with your mind & you can't
imagine life without it. Believe me, life
is so much better without it! No one can
'take away' your control --- you have the
power to give this up or let it kill you.
What will you do? Yes it's scary to let
go but once you do, good things will
happen. Please tell someone & stop
pretending you are ok. I did that for
years & so I spent s long time in hell
when I could have been recovering. Now I
look back & wish i'd told someone.
Let me know how your appointment goes. If
you have troubel eating, you may want to
supplement with some nutritional liquids
(ensure) which taste kinda gross &
sweet but are easy to drink down. I lived
on those for a few months before I was
well enough to eat normally.
Anyway, my thoughts are with you!
Kristina
|
emptyalive
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Jan 2005 Posts: 39 Location: Wisconsin
Numb Posted: 02-24-05 21:26pm
I feel so incredibly numb my mind is
dying...My depression is really taking
hold. I'm not sad, i'm
just......Nothing?! I skipped all of my
classes today and just sat in my dorm
room.
I feel terrible. I hate that i'm being
forced into this 'contract' of seeing
couselors, nurses,etc - and that 1lb a
week thing is killing me. I'm doing it
(of course- I need to stay in school), but
it makes me want to die. They may be
'helping me' physically, but they're
killing me mentally and emotionally. My
self hatred is growing-but I have to
appear strong everyday so that they think
i'm fine, and that I can stay here. If I
show too much weakness i'm afraid i'll be
withdrawn. I wish desperately for someone
to talk to with complete honesty - I need
that so badly. I'm just afraid. I seem
to hurt everyone and mess up their
lives... I don't want to do that anymore.
Anyway, wow - that venting came out of
nowhere. My appointment went 'well.' I
gained the necessary weight for the week,
and got some more meds. Thank you so so
much for responding to my entries. It
means something to me. I'm not
invisible, yet. Not completely.
|
reinke
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Oct 2005 Posts: 27 Location: Ontario, Canada
I Understand! Posted: 10-22-05 20:54pm
I totally understand where your'e comming
from! I have battled anorexia and bulimia
now for 13 long hard years and I know how
hard it can be. They put me in a mental
hospital and locked me up until I gained
50 pounds! It was torture, but I got
through it by telling myself that gaining
the weight would in fact eventually make
me fell better. Well, I have since lost
most of the weight again but I regret it
but I am slowly gaining again. I just
keep telling myself how rotten anorexia
makes me feel. Hang in there. It also
helps to find someone supportive to talk
to. Wish you luck.
Jeana.
|
lonely_angel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 128 Location: missouri
I Will Give You a Hug.... Lol Posted: 10-23-05 18:55pm
Well,i am here for you if you ever need to
talk or vent about something just pm. I
have stuggled with bulimia for about a
year. I am debationg weather or not to
get help also cause controll. When I get
to the point of wanting to get help
something always happens that sets my mom
in a sad or depressed mood and I don't
wanna make it worse but, (yeah I will
admit I try to look for lil reasons not to
get help.) I think that you can win this
battle all you need is a lot of support.
I beleive that everyone who has an ed can
some how find the strength in theirself to
get help..... I hope you find that
strength though. Like I said I am here to
talk if you ever need to..
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