Huge Crisis Please Help!

Trust me I wish that it was nothing, but I already know im really scared :(
i feel so guilty that this even happened to me, because I didnt want to, and I didnt like him for good reasons :( so I wish I hadnt let him lead me there , and having someone I dont like mess around with my body. Even tho I didnt want to and protested for quite some time, I wish I had got out sooner. I saw all his symptoms and thought they were really weird. But because I thought I knew this person, and has been pretending to be christian and friends with my friend, and hes trying to say things to me to think he wouldnt possibly hurt me, I just never saw this coming. I really didnt want to do anything :( so I dont know why I stayed so long and was so nice. Lets just talk. I should have left the moment he started trying things :( im not attracted to him, hes older then me, and I didnt like him. Not on speaking terms before this night because hes treated me so terribly in the past. I feel really stupid if my life is over because of this problem. I am really furious, I feel very trapped.
I was planning on university last semester but then he came to town and did this to me. And gone out of my life again. I feel so dumb this happened to me. I didnt like him, not in a relationship, didnt wnat to even see or talk to him, turned him down a million times, like you see? And now if hes given me hiv purposely hes a complete problem. I was scared the whole time like I had no choice. Once can never see this type of evil before it happens. When he had the condom on I dont think he ejacualted, because he took it off, and I dont think he had climaxed yet because it was at that time when I had the sudden urge I had to use the washrrom really bad like my bladder was going to burst, and I said im going, and he said no, im not done with you im going to make you my prisoner :(
and then he didnt use a condom he tricked me. So he would not be able to go again , he just had a condom on and then removed it and finished. I noticed all the stuff around me and got realyl bad feelings I said gross, and he said what thats yours. And I knew it wasnt :( I feel stupid for this happening. I even said to him did you keep it on? Because I dont want anything to happen :( one should never make this mistake, its life, lived only once, to precious to have something like this happen. Again I had no idea he would do something like this. But if I had acted on my feelings, it would have saved my life. I didnt even want to have sex with him and knew he was an problem. So there is my mistake, going in there and thinking this doesnt seem right, but still going in there thinking we could hang out. I should have realized ok ther is a bed here and yeah I think hes a friend, and no I dont want to do anything, but is probably not the best place to be hanging out. :( please this is a nightmare. If it is what I fear, its going to be in the news. I dont want to die, I dont want to have hiv because hes a health questions. Hes admitted it all on the phone after when I was so scared asking whats happening tome. He even said if its something then I can call him a monster. :( you have no idea how bad I want to erase this and go back there and really kick the caca out of him :(
this is not my nature im really sweet, but ive never had someone plan my homicide before :( I am so ashamed to have known him, I cant believe that I actually know someone who would do this. But thats it I didnt know him. I just really hate him. And I only had agreed to talk to him that night, mostly because of my friend thinking hes so great and is such good friends with him. If I had known he even had sex on his mind, I wouldnt have agreed to talk to him :( of course he knows that, thats why he didnt tell me. I really thought it would be in front of my house or a quick drive I was being way too nice :( I know it is already, it feels really strong, and like its progressing fast. I think he ejaculated in me twice which would be like double homocide. My bones everything are becoming very weak, I feel and look destroyed :( I am fair skinned, very beautiful, but because of this my looks have changed everything :( I pray all the time, but I know that god and all my angels were there trying to get me out before it happened. They gave me that warning but its too late now :(

Ok, I understand your venting! However, stay focused. What he did to you may have been a criminal act. I'm not sure! You didn't report any cuts, scratches, or bruises by denial of entry. You could look into this with your state attorney, but lets get you back on the right track.

From what you presented, you have no proof that this individual has hiv. You're too young to be focused on this. You'll be fine and everything you are feeling is attributed to anxiety. You made a personal act destroy and present a funeral to you. You don't have aids, you don't have any proof of any fatal disease, and up to this point you acted responsibly by going to the doctor. Go pat yourelf on the back, call up one of your guy friends and get dressed up tonight and go out dancing or something.

Look, if you're having sex, it's kind of difficult to present testimony that you think he ejaculated twice, etc. You may have thought about telling him to stop, but you probably didn't physically say anything. I think you're just so guilty of having what amounts to a one night stand (only you kind of knew the guy). It's not a life you can handle a you probably had high hopes for a pretty horse carriage taking you on your honeymoon. Well, wake up call! Your future prince will not give a crap that you are no longer a virgin. Finish school, jump into your career, and meet someone at your level. Set high standards and don't fall.

I will not respond any longer to you unless you respond with test results, or talk about what career you plan on having, and what kind of steps you are taking to get back on track. Let's get back focused on life and stick with it. It's a wonderful life you have in front of you.

I mean this in a friendly way. You must confide your feelings to someone close to you that you trust. You must talk about this with someone who can interact with you in person. You could even discuss your concerns with your doctor.

All you keep doing is going on and on and on about what happened. But you never say anything else.... If you are looking for pity you aren't going to get any from me. All of your messages are super long just saying the same thing over and over again. I think it is a bunch of crap!

I'm tired of hearing about how you are a beautiful, sweet, nice, christian person and he just ruined you. Obviously you aren't that great! Geez you are 22-- old enough to have known better.

I wonder why you have that name? I think your comments were definitely not needed and pretty much speak about what kind of person you are and I dont give a medical question what you think :) it is my life, this is extremely traumatic, it happened to me and maybe something this bad should happen to you who knows. If you dont like it newsflash : dont read it. I think you have a really bad attitude. Obviously bad things happen to really good people, I wish it happened to the bad people for once. Anyways you sound like a jerk. And I am that great :) just a really bad man existed who is pathetic and jealous and a real problem you think I knew what he wanted to do to me? I should know better what that he has problems and cant take no for an answer & that I should know ahead of time oh im going to be date raped soon kind of thing? Ah I see ya know, if I had that psychic capability and could read his evil mind at the time I wouldnt be in this situation :) if I knew the things about him before this happened, I wouldnt have spoken to him. If I knew he did this to a really young girl before and she had reported it , it couldnt happen to other girls because he would be locked up. So dont tell me I should no better, he shouldnt be out doing these terrible things to people. He had the whole thing planned and he was stopping at nothing to make sure it happened. All I did was be nice, what a crime. So please get a life and dont try bashing someone who has been hurt beyond words.

Just stating my opinions just like you are. We all have our rights...
Why don't you try saying something else other than-- I can't believe this happened to me, I was such a good person...Blah blah blah.
Why not tell us what is going on now and what sort or help you are getting to help you through this...

:d hello laura,

i've just read thru your thread, and I think that you have been given some good advise...And seen some impatience as well...That is as it is.

Many people have gone thru similar if not more horrific events in their life, as have i, and often feel as though a situation like yours is just a flash in the pan comparably...This is a normal reaction, and I wouldn’t be so quick to judge those whom get angry at your representation of your situation.

I will try for you to give you a different perspective, with the idea it may help you see clearer your situation, at least I hope it might.

Please understand that I am assuming many things as I write this, so please feel to correct me, I won't take it personally.

It would appear by the way you are reacting to this event, and by what you've given for information about yourself that you were raised in a "nice" christian family, and likely were protected from much of main stream society, those that were not so "nice".


You likely were raised to believe in certain ideals, and the god would protect you if you are a "good" christian and nothing evil would ever befall you, since you were such a nice good person.

I'm guessing you took people at face value, not looking deeper into them to see if you were being deceived due to this idea that you came into the adult world with.

So, coming into this situation, would be very devastating for you, even without the sexual abuse being present.

Now, I have a question for you...It appears in the way you've written it that you had been sexually active with this man prier to this incident, and keep in mind...Sexually active includes foreplay...So please clarify this for me...Have you been sexually active prier to this event with him or another?

At 22 years, having the urge to have sexual relations is quite normal, but if your christian background frowns on such behavior...I know it does...And it is considered a sin, then you are doubly damned on that subject, and the guilt would be tremendous.

What's more, and this is something that is also a normal reaction, if during the act you felt pleasure...You might feel guilty about this also, but no that it is a normal reaction, and common among victims of sexual violence.

Hindsight is one of those things that also tends to add to our guilt in these types of situations...And it is absolutely a fruitless endeavor.

If only I would have done this or that...I felt it, but didn't react etc.Well...I'm here to tell you that “if you only were’s” are not real...You did as you felt was right to do at the time, and as it turns out in this situation that your decisions were not good ones...Welcome to the world.

We all make mistakes in our decision making, and this is what we learn by, absolutely nobody in this world is spared this learning process…while the situations may be different…we make mistakes and that’s the way of things.

I hope dearly that the people around you, your family etc, are not telling you it was your fault…or that you should have known better. If they are…then you need to forgive them and understand that they are feeling helpless, and this is where these thoughts come from.

If this type of thing had happened more then once to you in your life…then yes…you probably should have known better…but you likely had no previous experiences to prepare you for this event.

Your going on and on about how sweet and pure and nice your were…well…that is an attempt to defend yourself against accusations of running around etc…and a typical reaction also I think.

It really does not matter to most people in the world about those things, I won’t hold you accountable for sins against god…but I suppose the circle you tend towards would and thus you are trying desperately to look better or appear a better person than you feel right now. The thing about that is you are doing it in a subconscious manner…and again…this is normal.

I’m not saying you were not, or still are a genuinely nice person…that isn’t too far fetched…but when you go on and on about it…it sound vain…and tends to make others feel judged by you…like you are so wonderful, and the rest of us are just scum…lol…i realize you are likely not trying to do that…but you are young, and you will learn how words effect those that read them.

Your fear of hiv is one that could be true…but isn’t for sure…you have no idea if this is what he has.

This man could simply be a drug addict who has a horrid case of skin eczema, which often looks and feels the way you describe by the way…i’ve know people who have this, and it is awful.

I have a friend that has a rare disease which effects the lymph system, and whenever he gets stressed he breaks out in a really wild rash…similar to what you describe, only sometimes it actually burns him.

I’m sure I could find many such diseases and disorders related to the symptoms you describe…so the fact that you are convinced that you are hiv positive, unless you have had positive test results is likely something you should reconsider.

It is likely also with as much anxiety as you have around it, that you are showing similar signs…simply because you’ve convinced yourself it is true.

This man, and this friend of yours are a dime a dozen, in other words there are many many people in this world very much like them, just waiting to ambush a person like yourself…it gives them some type of pleasure to break you down…. To prove that you are fallible and go out of there way in an attempt to bring you down to their level.

Having been the brunt of this many times…i speak from experience…and some age.

You are not responsible for what happened to you by his hand…you were abused and that is that…but you are responsible for how you respond to it.

Your reaction is your responsibility…how you deal with the events after the fact is your responsibility.

No one can destroy your life…unless you let them…unless you give up or become convinced of it…you are responsible for how you deal with this trauma…he is responsible for his actions towards you.

By going to the authorities and pressing charges etc…no matter what the outcome…is a proactive way for you to take control of your situation.

If they are unable to convict him based on lack of evidence…at least you can rest assure that you tried…you stood up for yourself.

If you continue down this path of destruction that you have created for yourself, and blame him for all of it…then my dear…your life will be miserable, and he will have succeeded to bring you down, and he wins.

If you start looking at this situation as a learning experience…one you will carry for your life, but a learning experience non the less…finding the positive in the situation instead of the trauma, negative…then you will grow from it, and become a much happier person in this world for it…even if you do have some kind of disease from him…by dealing with it in a positive manner, and allow it to assist you in living a good life, then you have won.

Our thoughts, our words have so much power to create…and we are responsible for that which we think and do.

I hope this helps…i realize I wrote a book…but these things are not simple.

I pray for peace, healing and love in your life…shannix :)

Hi- i'm sorry my reply seemed so offending. I have read the posts several times and finally I just had to bust out and say what I felt. I was hoping to bring about a different side, or different views of the situation, that's all. Sometimes being harsh like that is the only way to do it. Shannix, your post was truely wonderful. I hope it helps her.

So can you tell us more of what is going on currently? Have you been tested? Has he?

Badsal,

having been on both ends of this conversation at different times in my life...I hopfully have gained some understanding.

I can't tell you how many times I wanted to bat someone around to get them to start seeing something different...But...I also remember how people tried doing that to me when I was in a state of trauma, and it only made me mad, and forced me further inside myself.

Truly, I felt you were frustrated, and wanted to help.

It is my sincere desire to help.

Peace

shannix

Shannix thank you for your helpful post :) it did make me realize some things and made me see things from another point of view. I found it helpful and informative, about my situation but also about other things, how I have been dealing with it etc. And how I am going to have to pick and move on, not matter how devestating the news may be. Thanks for being kind enough to reply. I apologize if ive been ranting on about it way too much or have repeated myself way too many times, I guess just having gone through something this traumatic for the first time in my life, its like almost the more I say it I dont know somehow it will change things. That is just the state one is left in. Like I wish I could change it, but I cant. And I see what you mean about the comments about me being nice, beautiful etc, I didnt mean to sound vain or anything like that lol and certainly not, because everyone is beautiful :) before this happened to me, of course I would never talk like that because nothing bad had happened and I was me. Just have a lot of love and so happy with life. But when something like this happens, all of these emotions, and what im going through physically, its almost like im on the outside of my life now. Because I dont think im beautiful anymore, and all of that , its so devestating that I am like well this is all of the things I am so I cant believe it, because I almost feel like im not that anymore. If he has given me the disease, then you can certainly understand how devestated I am and looking at me before this situation, looking at pics just days before this incident, and remembering my whole life before this situation, and now its just really hard to cope or having to brace for the worst. And I will try not to talk about it anymore until I get that result I think on monday.. And I probably will need a lot of councelling for it, because yes im 22 and just at the beginning of my wonderful life. This man, I have just discovered has major problems (obviously) but ones I never knew about until now, that hes been doing this to young girls for years. One of which was very very young when it happened. If I had known of his sexual problems, possible phedophilia whatever he has wrong I would have known never to be alone with him. But it is one of those things, that no one talked about. Another issue is he has been hiding in the church, pretending to be a christian, so there is another deception. Yes I do understand and know what he did was very wrong, so I guess the victim of the act is always left going well what if I did this, etc. But again there is no way to know what someone else is thinking or has planned. What I feel guilty about is that I ever spoke with him in my life, believing he was a friend and then this is who he turns out to be. And I know I have a right to feel that way inside (its horrible).
I know myself, I stay away from the obvious kind of bad guys, the ones that you just know are trouble and to stay away from. But someone using church, just to be close to girls, and also obviously not one if he wants to hurt another person, that is the total deception. I even told him im waiting
i really wanted nothing to do with him, so its hard. And there was no foreplay anything, he just pretty much attacked me, no enjoyment whatso ever I was just thinking the whole few mins I dont want this. I should never have been in a room with someone so controlling, if he would have listened then we would have talked and I would have left safetly. Its just really hard thinking what a mistake. I know its hard for anyone to really know or see my situation, but this person has really pretended to be a friend all these years and voila his true colors have been revealed. I would never have even called him a true friend, just someone that called me alot and is involved with youth. And as far as decision making its kind of cruel, because with my situation, I didnt make a really stupid choice at a bar or something and go home with a stranger and have unprotected sex. In a world like today with aids, that really is not a wise thing to do.
That is something he has done, and that was the worst decision. So something like that, compared to me - I dont like my decisons in trusting to be alone with him thinking talking was on the agenda , but I didnt do what he did. See my point, like mine were more trying to save me and my life from someone who wanted to do something really bad to me. You cant really see that coming. I think everyone is thinking, I cant believe she knows someone that would do this to her.. Neither can i. But ive been told I shouldnt blame myself for trusting. Just like good exists so does evil and thats just whole other topic. My family is very supportive, and so is the community. Its just really me being so hard on myself, because I really dont want to have it and have my life over because of someone like him. So im just waiting for results, im going to call them tomorrow. I do fear its going to be a sad day. I havent talked to him, because last time I did was after he did this and he pretty much admitted to everything like I can call him a monster , etc. And that fear that I had at that moment when I realized what is actually happening to me, was the same when I was in that room. But I cant change that. Srry if ive said way too much again
thank you for the very encouraging posts shannix and everyone, and please continue to be patient and understanding with me. ~*gb*~

Well you said on 4/11/05 it should be two weeks. I think I would've been adamant in finding out by now. Hopefully since you think monday you will call, let's hope you get your answer.
Does you family know about this. You mentioned that you and your mother are so close, is she helping you through this???

Laura,

it is my pleasure and my healing that I am able to share my knowledge in a possitive fashion from my traumatic experiences.

If it helps, all the better, it is nice actually to see such a fine intelligent young women, trying to figure it all out, actually open enough and honest enough with herself to see thru some of the trauma to reality.

If I may, I would like to point out a couple of things:

"i guess just having gone through something this traumatic for the first time in my life, its like almost the more I say it I dont know somehow it will change things. "

let us hope that it is the only very traumatic thing you will ever have to go thru in your life!!! But to that end, the way you deal with this, and how you heal and overcome this will actually make a difference in whether or not these types of things continue in your life.

I'll try and explain...I along with many other victoms of such violent crimes, held onto the anger, the confusion etc for a long time, and inevitably, I remained a victim, being victimized in many ways over and over again.

It wasn't until someone wiser then me actually pointed out that if I stopped thinking of myself as a victim...Healed my wounds, and didn't allow it anylonger...That perhaps I might not have to endure such a horrid existence...And well...They were right.

This is why one must do there best to see the good in all things, heal from these wounds, understand that you will never know the mind of the abuser, and that you must forgive, not only him, but yourself.

"but when something like this happens, all of these emotions, and what i'm going through physically, its almost like i'm on the outside of my life now. Because I dont think i'm beautiful anymore, and all of that , its so ddevastatingthat I am like well this is all of the things I am so I cant believe it, because I almost feel like i'm not that anymore."

yes, well of course these are all normal reactions, feeling dirty, needing to wash all the time, or going the opposite direction and not washing at all.

Feeling ugly, and dressing in unattractive clothing, not doing your hair all up anylonger, and anything that might make you appear attractive, or again the other extreme over doing it, dressing sexy, too much make up...Becoming flirty etc.

I have personally gone thru both extremes until I finally began to heal in a healthy manner, and found myself again...A happy medium.

It does not seem like it now...And may not for a while, but one day, as you follow your healing path, you will indeed find that you look into the mirror and again see the inner beauty shining thru, and in fact, you will see an even greater glow, one that comes with understanding and compasion, with healing your wounds, and finding that you are still and always have been the loving person that you felt you lost.

Ok...I'll stop now.

I will continue to encourage you to find a some counseling and perhaps a victims support group with in your faith, so that you will not feel alone in this tragedy, and will be able to share your own experiences so they also do not feel alone.

Tomorrow...As nervous as you are...Remember what ever the result...It will be an opportunity for you to serve in a positive way.

Looking forward to hearing your news.

Peace

shannix

Laura,

i am tapping my fingers on the desk...Been in a dozen times throughout my day to check on you...Argh...What's the new???

Lol...Sorry I am impatiant at times...


Will wait more calmly now.

Peace

shannix

I'm not surprised that there are no results, no answers.....

Badsal,

it really does not matter if she ever returnes...Although it would be benificial...Many people come thru these sites and read the information, and thus may gain a better perspective of there own situation.

That is the reason I post for the most part...In the understanding that there are hundreds if not thousands of people who read these, and never post.

I really hope that laura will come and let us know one way or the other...But it is up to her, and I won't hold her to it personally.

If this is all that she needed was to vent etc here...Then hopefully it was benificial for her.

Just my thoughts.

Peace

shannix

I feel the same way.. We can all post here and give our views and opinions..Or just read and not post at all.

I heard this song today and it reminded me of you. Have you ever heard it? Hope you are doing ok today!

Artist: big & rich lyrics
song: holy water lyrics


somewhere there's a stolen halo
i use to watch her wear it well
everything would shine wherever she would go
but looking at her now you'd never tell

someone ran away with her innocence
a memory she can't get out of her head
i can only imagine what she's feeling
when she's praying
kneeling at the edge of her bed

and she says take me away
and take me farther
surround me now
and hold, hold, hold me like holy water
holy water

she wants someone to call her angel
someone to put the light back in her eyes
she's looking through the faces
the unfamiliar places
she needs someone to hear her when she crys

and she says take me away
and take me farther
surround me now
and hold, hold, hold me like holy water
holy water

she just needs a little help
to wash away the pain she's felt
she wants to feel the healing hands
of someone who understands

and she says take me away
and take me farther
surround me now
and hold, hold, hold me
and she says take me away
and take me farther
surround me now
and hold, hold, hold me like holy water
holy water

Hey thanks for wondering how im doing. I admit I was really nervous on monday, and tried contacting them and I always end up with the nurse's voicemail so I left my message and I tried calling again today and they wont be in for a few days. I had a dream last night tho and I just know already its going to be bad news. But thanks for your support :) everyday I wake up im like I just wish I didnt go in! You know, not let someone talk me into something I dont want to do, like have stayed firm and said no im not going in I told you. Or just kicked him and ran away. This is what I wish I had done.
But i'll let you know what the results are even tho I now its going to be bad :(

((((laura))))

hang in there...No matter what...It truly will all be ok.

I know what it's like going over and over again, thinking...I should have...I wish I would have...If only i'd been more firm...On and on.

It takes a while to come to terms with the fact that we are human...And that we don't always know at the moment how things will turn out...:)...Try to be easier on yourself though, you're going to make it thru this part of your life.

Anyway...We would really like to know how things are going, and I am personally interested in how you are making out emotionally and mentally etc thruout...I know it's really hard.

You had a dream...And you know it is bad news...And I have a feeling...That it is good news...In fact I have a very strong sence that no matter what the outcome of the test...It will serve you well, and you will indeed find that light within, and shine it brightly for all to see...Like it's your destiny or something.

Lol...Sorry...I go on and on...And I know you will not see this at this time...But you will eventually.

Badsal,

cool lyrics...Very cool.

Peace

shannix :d