No Desire to Have Sex With Him

Well if thats all lost, then why be with him? You have no desire for him, then find a new guy or be single for a while.

Thanks but unfortunately that is not solving the problem.
You don't walk out on someone because sex is boring or could be much better when you love them...

I need a more mature look on this.

Thanks.

But if you have no desire to be romantically involved ask yourself why are you with him? Its got to be something. It cant be him, but you. Do you have no desire for anyone at all or is something about him bothering you. I know when im mad, I dont even like being near my husband jose, or kissing him or anything. But I get over it and I can be with him. Even if its just hugging and kissing. No sex or no desire to please him will be a reason for him to look elsewhere. Hes not gonna go through a dry spell forever.
Why dont you work on spicing up your sex life? Read on books, go to a store, they have toys, lotions, games...Things to make it fun so he can work on the foreplay. If things got boring, make it fun again. Be spontaneous if you really want to get things to get better. If your dry and it bothers you, get some oils/lubrication to help.

The problem is that he does not know what to do in bed.
He's no good in foreplay..Not at all..Nothing and it's more of a pain in the ass to get started and instead i'd rather not start.
I'm tired of not having a fullfilling sexlife.

Then why are you with him? You never answered that. Why dont you get him a book on foreplay? Hint to him. I was at spencers sunday with jose and they had a book "how to have great sex for dummies" and I was laughing but you never know, it could be a good book for your guy. Theres so many things. If you want a fullfilling sex life then you can either make it happen with him, or find someone that can fullfill it for you. Tell him what you want out of sex. Be open.

Sex is not the entity of a relationship. How do you look at an issue on a relationship and just advise people to find someone else.

I love this man very much and he's all for me...This is just an issue we have to tackle. He knows it's an issue.
This is not a reason to break up with someone. Other than this, he's perfect for me and i"m perfect for him.

Thanks but no thanks for the 'leave him' advise.

Then teach him what to do. If he doesn't know how then how can he do it?

I had the same issue with a boyfriend of 4 years, turns out that I wasn't attracted to him anymore, not as a lover, not as a boyfriend, not as a person.


We would always fight about sex, no foreplay, always dry.

The best thing we ever did was break up. We are long distance friends now.

He was lousy in bed and a cheater at that! He's all yours ladies!

Lol, good reply! Im married, I dont need a cheater! You made a good decision though. Relationships have 2 things physical and emotional, if the physical sucks, it ruins the emotional which leads to arguments, fights and a breakup. So if you dont tell him what you want you brink the sex back to life, you could be headed towards years of bad or no sex.

Minerwater, are you on any birth control?

Minerwater - if you and your boyfriend both admit there is a problem then the hardest part is over. You say that he too admits it is an issue - that must mean the two of you are open enough with each other to talk about it. So, bring it up with him again. Say something like, our sex life has really taken a turn for the worst, I love you, I want to be with you, and I would really like to fix this. Then have a discussion about it. Talk about what turns each of you on, talk about fantasies you've had, things you've wanted to try. Maybe a change of location would help - some times just having sex in a new place can be exciting and a turn on. Even if its just a hotel in the town you live in.

Communication, trust and honesty are the most important things you can have in a relationship. So talk to him and be honest. Tell him what does and doesn't turn you on. During sex if he does something that really makes you feel good tell him right then and there - or if you don't want to say anything, smile, moan, do something that lets him know he is doing a good thing. And conversely if he is doing something that just doesn't do it for you, suggest he try something different. Or simply take his hand and guide him..Whatever it takes.

If you aren't getting turned on, its up to you to change that - you'll have to tell him how to turn you on or show him because how else is he supposed to know? You can't read his mind so what makes you think he can read yours?

First answer - yes, I am on bc. I've wondered it the lack of desire to do anything or put in the effort to make it better comes from the bc. But for example, the last guy I was with, I couldn't get enough..Everyday was my quota..Then again, he was a god in bed!

I want to help him improve. I've even put the book, "the big o" that I read and thought gave great advise and tips in front of him and said, "this is a really great book, you should read it. It'll give you good insight and different teqniques". He ignored it and said, "oh, so you think i'm not good eh?" (not mad or anything) and I said, "no, just that it can help out and give you different ideas, i've read it and learned a lot from it" but then went about as if it didn't exist. It sat on the coffee table unread for about 2-3 days.
He doesn't want to put in the effort. And once I remember when I mentioned that he should seduce me and play around and not just ask me, "wanna have sex?" cause that's what he does. As if it's doing the dishes or whatever, and he said "i donno how to" so, he knows.
I guess I have to help him out but I have no desire to cause I always think about how much he sucks and i'm going to be so freakin' bored!! And i'm tired of playing with him cause that's all I use to do and he'd do nothing so it's the thought of, great, I get to give him great pleasure while I yawn the night away.

I have to give myself a boost...And feel encouraged. Any tips on how to help him with out drawing out a map and making him feel useless? He sorta thinks I just don't desire him or just have a low sex drive. I want to scream out, "you suck in bed!! Why don't you read on foreplay and we can talk then!!" lol..

I might bring out the book again. Maybe put it in plain sight where he can read it. Maybe bookmark it?? He might feel enticed to see what I was reading?

Highlight was you like and put it there for him. Make copies of the tips from the book and put it where he can find it. Like stick them places he looks and stuff. I give jose things and make sure he reads it. Then I question it to see if he really read it. Maybe you should just shout he sucks to get the point across. I got this from Dr. Phil for you though...

Are you or your partner just not "in the mood" for sex on a regular basis? Sexless marriages are an undeniable epidemic, says Dr. Phil. And since sex and intimacy are a meaningful part of a relationship, loss of sexual desire can severely affect a marriage.

Is the lack of sexual desire a biological problem, one that is lifestyle generated, or is it a symptom of a bigger problem?

Try to identify the causes in order to understand yourself and your partner, and keep in mind these factors that could be impacting either of you:

biological changes (in both men and women)
depression
children
lack of energy, fatigue
sleep deprivation
lack of respect or trust in a relationship
jealousy, resentment
loss of self-esteem

if your sexual relationship is not living up to your needs, stop complaining and start asking for what you want. This means you first need to look within to identify your needs. When you communicate, be specific.

Are you getting him/her in the mood? If your version of foreplay is "honey, here I come," you may try doing things differently. You may need to work a little harder to motivate, inspire, seduce or attract your partner.

Talk to your doctor for more information about whether biochemical and hormonal factors can be contributing to a low sex drive.

Thanks! Yeah, I think his approach has to be taken differently too.
I will talk to him about these types of things.

Thanks!

Minerwater-i feel sorry 4 u (not in a patronising way). U really do need 2 talk this through-ur married & u need 2 b honest.U cant leave this cos it just wont disappear. I wish u luck
liz x

I feel sorry for me too. It causes unnecesary feelings and problems.
And this is the second time this has happened. Same thing when I was engaged to another man, it turned out I couldn't stand him touching me and the thought of us having sex repulsed me. Then again, there was too much resentment in that relationship to begin with. This is the best man for me and i'm inlove with him very much and just wish we had a great sex life to top it all off...I guess we just have to work on it..Both of us to please eachother like no one has..Or close enough anyways! I have to start telling him exactly what he needs to do...But he always feels like i'm blaming everything on him..He'll believe i'm blaming him for bad sex...Lol...Well, yeah, but u know how men are!

Hey minerwater I agree with you about your men coment me being one I can agree espesially when I was younger I did not want to here anything that sugested I was bad in bed. Until I found a young women who tought me all about it and pleaseing the women. I tried and tried befor her and I did please but every women is differnt and some please differnt to. I think is is very noble that you do not want to 86 your guy. Keep trying. He most have alot of potential and is lucky to have you cause alot of pople including men would have gotten rid of their partner buy now. Hold out on him for a while jsut tease him. Then when you do it take control dont let him decide how and when you be in control and make him tell you befor he comes then stop it dont let him turn it into a game be dominate. You may love it also if you hold out he might be willing to try new things and new ways to please you. Let me know what you think. Jamie

Hi mindwater
I read a few of the replies. I can't tell you what to do but may I suggest the first thing is to tell him the truth. You said you gave him and book and he said i'm not good in bed...You replied...No its not that. Well you need to tell him thats exactly what it is. It would be better to hurt his feeling once and you to explore together than to avoid the sex which is going to cause other problems which may lead to a break up. Two people who really care for each other may get their feelings hurt but the love and time will heal all wounds. I had the same problem and I got tired of not being satisfied. I would hear my friends talk about the "great sex" then I cheated! The outside sex was awesome......Couldn't get enough but there was nothing else. I wanted a whole relationship so I went back to my partner and told the truth from beginning to end and we worked it out with trying everything. We even went to a sex shop and now things are better. Don't go down this road to get what you need. There is a easier way.......Just be honest and teach him.

How ar you and how is your relationship going?
You seem to have taken this problem on as yours and he seems kind of like whatever
have you approached the subject or thought about a sex therapist?
Maybe there's things in his past that are hindering his emmotional side when it comes to sex.
It's not unusal for a man to feel inadiquit (spelling) and have self doubts.
And if your giving him mixed signals~he's probably trying not to face it.
If you want to stay in the relationship he needs to open up
and you need to be honest.
So what has happened?

Minerwater - hey, I hope everything works out o.K., and it will!! Have faith my friend, a small obsacle can be overcome with little [or alot] of effort! i'm sure he is a stud, spo tackle his @ss and tear him up, hehe...

Hope that wasn't too vulgar, lol.