Eating Disorder, Addition And Suicide. Posted: 04-07-05 14:03pm
Hi there, I just thought i'd come on this
forum to vent a little and perhaps to see
if anyone understands the way I feel.
For the past 6 years I have had an eating
disorder and I have been going to therapy
for the past year but I think my eating
disorder has just gotten worse, you know
that saying " its gotta get worse before
it gets better" well in my case thats
true. Over the past few months I have
taken many overdoses but luckly I was not
addmitted into hostipal. All I wanted was
to die because life felt too big, too huge
and I am only small I didn't know how I
was going to cope. However now those
sucide thoughts aren't so bad now although
they are still very much there but I
really have an urge to take pain killers
which is what I overdosed on. Taking
tablets has almost become an addition now
even without the aim of killing myself.
Does that make sense to anyone because i'm
not sure if I understand it. I think its
like an addition a bit like cigrettes
because I smoke and the same urge I get
when I need to smoke is the same as when I
want to take tablets.
My problem is that if I take any more
overdoses my therapist is going to send me
to hostipal because i've just done it too
many times, I have to explain to her that
I don't want to kill myself all I want are
the tablets. I so badly want to take them
but if I am sent to the hostipal that
would do much more harm than good
regarding my eating disorder so I really
don't know what to do.
I am sorry for going on so much I just
need to talk to someone right now and
there is no one. Thanks to anyone who
listened to my vent. I hope you are all
well.
Jenny
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jazzman
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Mar 2005 Posts: 14
Posted: 04-07-05 14:23pm
What pills are you taking jenny? It
makes perfect sense that you have
developed an addiction, and so that is a
problem in itself that needs solving. I
am sure that if you are as open with your
therapist as you have been here there will
be no problem, and you can surely get the
help that you need. Doctors have to deal
with people with addictions of this nature
all the time.
One question though. How would you
describe your addiction - can you
elaborate? You see I have an addiction
to cutting myself as a means of self harm,
but I take it that it is the specific
drugs that you need, as opposed to the
urge to hurt yourself?
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lostoyou
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jan 2004 Posts: 170 Location: Ireland
Thanks For the Reply Posted: 04-08-05 17:14pm
Hey there! Thank you for replying. I
take anadin or paracetamol but I don't
think its just those tablets i'm addicted
to, I would take anything that I know
wasn't good for me. I have tried to cut
myself but I wasn't able to, an eating
disorder is a form of self harm but to me
its not enough I need to do more.
My thoughts around taking tablets do
change for example today I want to take
them but with the intention to kill
myself, its a terrible way to be, I just
feel so alone. I have talked to my
therapist about this and she is very
understanding as she has been through an
eating disorder herself and she knows all
the things which go along with it. Today
I cancelled my session for tomorrow which
I really regret because I need to talk to
someone but I just felt like I was too fat
and I couldn't leave my house. An eating
disorder is very difficult to live with
and I don't know how to cope with it
anymore. Tablets are my way out but they
are a way to do harm to myself as well.
I appricate you relying to my post, I
really do. I hope you are doing well
jenny
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jazzman
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Mar 2005 Posts: 14
Posted: 04-09-05 02:44am
No problem... I'm doing ok but have some
serious exams coming up in three weeks so
i'm a little stressed! First - the
paracetamol usage... You can do, and i'm
sure that you know this, some serious
damage of an irreversible nature with that
drug. Promise me that you will lay off
that girl! I know that you will not stop
cold turkey but try to find a less harmful
alternative (which, let's not kid
ourselves, will be harmful to an extent).
If you actually harmed with the intention
of suicide, then I feel awful for you, but
will ask you to remember the following.
Self-harm is a way of preservation, as
opposed to true physiological destruction
(though physical destruction is a likely
side effect). So you have made it this
far with a coping tool that is crude, but
effective. That definitely means that
you can slowly learn to find replacement
tool.
As far as the eating disorder goes, I
could talk all day about diets because I
have some nutritional knowledge through
weight training (but don't know
specifically about disorders in this
field), but that ain't gonna help. You
have to learn to love yourself. The
question is how?
I have a therapist who will act as a
"hypno-therapist"- this is a great way to
seize the power of your subconscious mind,
and there is no question that it works.
Cognitive behavioral therapy was derived
to an extent from it. So talk to you
therapist about different ways to tackle
the underlying problem.
There are so any forms of help out there
for you. You just have to adopt the
correct mindset. Hell, be arrogant! Be
self-centered – you sound like you have
suffered enough! Not many people have to
go through what you go through- that is a
fact. And yet you have still survived!
In the mean time hang-on: you can have
such a nice life. Believe it.
