Joined: 03 Nov 2003 Posts: 89 Location: The Sunshine State
Forever Wondering Posted: 11-06-03 00:04am
My name is marissa.
I am newly married and have two small
children, one of which is disabled.
I am battleing a major medical malpractice
lawsuit on behalf of my 7 1/2 month old
son. I am only 20 years old, and while
the world goes on around me, I sit here
alone, and afraid to walk out my front
door. I love my babies more than life
itself, but often I feel that they deserve
a better mother. A mother who does not
keep them shut in the house all day. A
mother who does not cry about everything.
A mother who can handle life.
I scare myself with my thoughts of death.
I don't want to die, but every once in a
while, the thought crosses my mind. I
wasn't always like this. I used to be
beautiful, popular, a real "people
person." I fell crazy in love with my
oldest sons father. I left my home,
family, my life, and I moved away with
him. Soon I found myself alone. I guess,
in a weird way, I may have gotten pregnant
on purpose. I guess I thought that when
he was off cheating on me, I would always
have someone there to love me and want my
love in return. Eventually, both he and I
turned to drugs. At the time drugs made
the pain disapear. Along with the drugs
came the abuse. Day after day the both of
us took our rage out on each other. I
found out that I was pregnant, and quit it
all, cold turkey! Soon after, my
boyfriend went to prison. I never heard
from him again. When my son was about 5
months old, I moved in with a guy that has
proven to be my perfect match. We got
married and I got pregnant. We were
ecstatic. Finally, we had a family.
March 8 2003, my second child was born.
His birth has really traumatized me.
Because of that, I will never have another
child.
On top of that, he is profoundly deaf. It
hurts, my baby can't even hear a bird
sing. He also has severe seizures due to
cranial synostosis. ( that is where the
bones of the skull are prematurely fused
together, putting pressure on his brain.
He has no soft spot. That is part of what
made his delivery so hard.) he is also
disabled in other ways.Now my days are
filled with therapy for my baby via home
visits, out of town visits to the
children's hospital, and numerous other
appt's concerning my son. I have yet to
finish school. I guess what I am asking
is, " will it get better?" "will the pain
go away?""will I be able to look back on
this and say that it was not so bad?"
|
lisada
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Oct 2003 Posts: 6 Location: Virginia
Just Hang In There Posted: 11-11-03 23:19pm
Dear marissa,
my name is lisa. I am a 34 yoa mother of
4 sons. Although I don't know anything
about dealing with a disability, I can
relate to your story. I was once an
addict of alcohol and drugs. I read your
story this morning and it really touched
my heart. I left home at 14 and quickly
became addicted to the party life trying
to become popular and to find a home,(and
a father figure) I suppose. Anyhow, I
ended up joining the military at age 21.
I too, quit cold turkey. I thought I had
found a man who really loved me, but found
out after I was pregnant, that he was
married. So, my son and I handled life
on our own. I finally met my best friend
in life, my current husband. We have
been together for 9 years and three more
sons later, I am truly blessed. I can
remember being 16 yoa and trying to take a
bunch of pills because I couldn't handle
the pain any longer. If I had only had a
crystal ball, right? Then I would have
known what blessings were in store for me.
About a year ago I asked jesus christ to
come into my heart and accepted him as the
one true god. He truly is my savior and
has guided me through so much. Now,
don't get me wrong. My life still is not
perfect. I don't expect it to be. I
still get depressed. I still feel
unhappy occassionally. But I know that I
am here for a reason and that my life can
make a difference. (especially for my
children.) I beleive that I lived a life
of crap for a little bit so that I can
pass on some life lessons to my boys.
That's wisdom... Learning from other's
mistakes. And I have made many!!! I
know life can throw you curveballs once in
a while, but it can get better. I'll
pray for you. If you'd like to chat, I
am here. Sincerely, lisa
