Hope Is a Thing With Wings

Yesterday I turned 18, I am now an adult yet still I feel no different. I don't ever know if I was a child, I never seemed to have the mind of a child and so I will grow up and continue to do so, in an adult world with a childs soul. Yesterday I knew that people would be watching me because I take tablets so easily but they didn't look close enough because yesterday morning I took a packet of tablets.
On saturday I was fired from work because I go to therapy everyday and the times didn't work out, I was so upset yet again I didn't feel anything, I just wanted to take tablets and so today I cancelled my appointment with my therapist and tomorrow she is going away for a week. Last time she went away I took an overdose and I wonder what will happen this time.
I really am lost and so confused, I don't want to recover, I don't know how to and yet I still go to therapy, I still enjoy seeing the people there becaused I have made such great friends and when I take tablets I remember them and I feel so bad for what I am doing but I just can't stop.
Hope is a thing with wings, I think my hope has flown away, I wonder will it ever come back.
Sometimes I don't know what I want, I think I just want to be hurt, I want someone to hate me as much as I hate myself just as proof that I really am as bad as I think. I have written poems and I have written letters and I have said so much within those writtings and still no one seems to read what I have to say, no one seems to see the girl, lost behind the words.
How can I tell them I want to give up and I want to die, I sit there listening to people, wanting so badly to help them but they never seem to realise that I too am in pain, everyday but I put on a mask,a good, clever mask and now I don't know how to take it off.
Yesterday being my 18 I wanted to start with not eating and although I never eat during the day I ate last night and I felt like caca , of course I throw up but its only when I get weak that I feel I have achieved something. Today the same thing happened and again I felt like caca. Binging purging starving it isn't enough anymore, I want to know that I am hurting myself because I don't deserve to be happy I don't deserve to be loved.
Does hope exist? I wonder sometimes about that, I wonder does hope really exist for me, I know other people have hope and can have hope but I just don't believe I will ever recover, I don't know if I ever want to recover.
Well thats all from me today, i'm just in a crap mood and because I haven't gone to therapy today I feel a bit lonely. Well I hope you are all doing well and taking care of yourselves. Talk soon

jenny