Anxiety and Stress Forum

Hi all.

I have struggled with depression on and off for the past four years. Nothing is terribly wrong here, but I do see some of the same patterns resurfacing, and I thought I would get brave and ask for some advice on some of the things that are on my mind.

Some of what is going on is related to me feeling distant from people I am normally so close to. I am now back from my first year at college and naturally seeking more independence. However, I feel so guilty about feeling distant from my parents. They are always trying to reach out to me and spend time with me, and I get annoyed so easily. All year, I dealt with a lot of guilt because I was worried about grades (4.0 high school gpa) because I feel like that is one of my only ways to "thank" my parents for everything they do for me.

I was really depressed first semester and a friend helped me through it all. We started dating about 6 months ago, and he is always so supportive. I feel like I am always coming to him with problems and whining. A person can only take so much, and after talking to him I usually feel guilty and worry that he will decide he's had enough of playing the therapist. Last time that happened, I asked him twice if he we were okay, and he replied "yes, as long as you stop worrying this second". I know all he wants is for me to stop being so paranoid, so that I can be happy, but I get so afraid of losing him, and I don't know how to find that line between telling him what's going on, and unloading on him.

Also, I am feeling really distant from my best friend. She is the person I am closest to in the world. Last year was really weird though. Before college, she would get jealous when I did things with other friends. Then she was jealous of my friendship with my roommate at college. When my boyfriend and I started dating, she jumped straight to jealousy instead of being happy for me. I felt like I couldn't talk to her about him because it always resulted in a conversation about how sorry she felt for herself because she didn't have a boyfriend. I know how painful this is for her, and I want to support her, but I can't do that when I am being made to feel guilty for my own happiness. When I realized how much strain I put on the relationship because of her jealousy, I was really angry. She made me feel like she only wanted me to be happy if she was a part of it (which I know isn't true) and that I was responsible for her happiness. She would always talk about how seeing me again was what was getting her through the semester. But when we were home for break, she didn't spend time with me.

My roommate and I get along well, but I always feel so overshadowed by her. She's loud and opinionated, and that's intimidating to a shy "pushover" like myself. Even when we are alone, I feel so overshadowed by her energy. She didn't get along with my boyfriend, and by the end of the year, I was feeling guilty every time I left the room to see him because I wasn't spending time with her (even though she was always online with her boyfriend).

Both my roommate and my friend talk about how close we are and how we are soul mates. It makes me mad that they talk like that, but are so oblivious their own actions sometimes. I feel like they have both decided who I am and what I am all about and therefore need me to operate within their expectations of me. They are both so wonderful and would do anything for me, so I don't know how to deal with this. How do I build up my own strength and confidence without distancing myself from them.? Right now I feel myself pulling away, and I know that will only result in something bad.

I know this was an insanely long post, and i'm sorry for whining so much. I just have been needing to talk to someone about this for months, and I had no one to go to (because everyone close to me is part of it).

Thank you so much for reading all of that, I appreciate it.

Advice