I was reading some posts and it seems like
no one wants to let go of their eating
disorder, I wonder why we are so
determined to keep it when all it is doing
is causing us alot of pain and alot of
sadness. Don't get me wrong I
compleleltly understand where everyone is
coming from its just sometimes I wonder,
why do I want to keep something that hurts
me?
You know what they say madness is, doing
the same thing over and over again and
getting the same results. If we want to
change then why do we continue to do the
same thing that keeps us from changing?
To be honest I am so fed up with being
here, all I have ever wanted is to lose
weight and for some reason I can't
anymore, i've become stuff in this weird
cycle where I don't even binge that much
nor purge but I have to eat and I hate it.
I have started going to the gym alot more
and i'm hoping I can lose weight that way
but then again I have done that before and
still it hasn't worked. I think I have
messed up by body so much over the years
that it has just shut down and stopped
losing weight, I hate that because all I
want in life is to be thin and I just
can't do it anymore.
I have tried many things t destract me
from food and they haven't worked, I have
tried so much but nothing works and I
don't know what to do.
Maybe I am not meant to know what to do,
maybe I am to stay like this, not losing
weight, not gaining weight but just here,
existing between one life when I really
want to live another.
I hope you are all well, take care
lost
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waterbaby3214
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 May 2005 Posts: 31 Location: Michigan
Why We're Afraid Posted: 06-05-05 09:07am
People with eating disorders are afraid to
let go for fear of putting on weight.A
fairly simple idea.But the ironic thing is
that once you start eating properly,whi;e
you may gain at first,once you maintain a
healthy and balanced diet,your weight will
stablise and become normal for you.A scary
but at the same time enviab;e thought.You
have to ask yourself,would I rather weigh
six stone and be buried six feet under or
weigh a healthy nine stone and be living
the brilliant life that I deserve ? You
are not your body.It is simply a vehicle
getting you from one place to another.All
this pain and sadness can be gotten rid of
by lettin go.It may take months or more
than likely years but you can be free of
it.Do you want to live out your years
avoiding food and definetly dying before
you are 25 ? Because that is where you're
heading.Sorry to be cruel but we both know
it's the trutj.Let go jenny.F*ck what the
weighing scales says and live your life
how you want to,not according to your
weight.
A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
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lostoyou
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jan 2004 Posts: 170 Location: Ireland
Mind And Body Posted: 06-05-05 13:09pm
I know I talked about weight but its not
about that. You see because eating
disorders are about the way we think and
feel its not truely about how we look or
weigh. When are thinking is more free,
when we think more positively we become
happier within ourselves, in a sense our
thinking becomes lighter. People with an
ed have such a negavtive out look on
themselves and there thinking is so dark
and so heavy and as a result we carry that
thinking with us, in us and that is how we
think we are fat, that is why we feel like
monsters when we look in the mirror. Its
only when we change our thinking that we
feel lighter both in our minds and body,
regardless of weight.
I am more talking about the weight of my
mind, it is so heavy and although my body
is too, they are both linked and so its a
cycle, its a catch 22.
Its not so much that we fear we will put
on weight because recovery is not about
that, recovery is about freeing yourself
from your thought which can be so heavy
and scary yet they are confortable. We
don't want to recover because we are
afraid we will put on weight, we are
afraid to recover because we will think
and feel so different and thats the scary
thing. Imagine thinking differently, it
would be scary because that is what we
have known for so long, our negativity is
so safe because its were we are
confortable whether or not is causes us
pain.
We don't want to change our thinking
because we don't know what other way to
think and when someone tells us it can get
better but your thinking has to change,
you stand back and say no because you
don't want to change your thinking, you
just want to change your body but no one
realises that you will change your body,
you will become lighter just by thinking
lighter.
Its a cycle which can be broken with help
but then again isn't it a safe cycle to be
in? I think so although I know it can be
better, I am safer where I am, I know
where I am, I don't know anything else.
We are so afraid of the unknown, so afraid
that we will lose control when the truth
is, we are not in control, we never have
been but will can be.
We are so consumed with so many fears that
we let them blind us, we let them hold us
back, we let our fears live through us,
its evil almost
evil - live, the same word spelt
backwards, coicindence?
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waterbaby3214
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 May 2005 Posts: 31 Location: Michigan
Well If You Look At It That Way ........... Posted: 06-05-05 13:46pm
How can you say you are safe where you are
? You are not safe and you know it.I
don't want to be like nagging you but it's
beyond me how you can be so intelligent
and yet not realise your capabilities.You
understand full and well that if you do
not recover,you will live out your life
unhappily.There's no two ways about it.And
yet tyou also know that while recovery may
be taking a scary step into the
unknown,it's not going to do as much harm
as staying where you are.Life does not
have to be like this.You and every other
person with an ed deserve to be happy.And
you can be.You know what you have to
do.And you have the basic structure of
recovery there.You have all the
information you could want,a whole load of
people who love you to bits and are
willing to help and you have time on your
side.You are young.You've already wasted
years of your life on this.How long more
are you going to give to it.
'm going to stop there because I don't
want you for one minute to think that i'm
not on your side because believe me I am
and I know where you are coming from.But
please ask yourself,what are you so afraid
of ? What way of thinking could be any
worse than this way of thinking ?
Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes
it so.
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lostoyou
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jan 2004 Posts: 170 Location: Ireland
Posted: 06-05-05 13:58pm
I don't want you to be on my side, I think
you should be on your side. Its so much
more complaclted then that, everyone is
different and everyone's eating disorder
is different. There are some things that
you can't understand about me and thats ok
because there will be some things I won't
understand about you but just remember
that all ed's are different and there is a
huge difference between knowing something
and believing it. I know alot but there
are is so much other stuff involved to
recovery than knowing something.
I didn't write that post to get people to
recover because I can't do that, its out
of my hands, everyone's recovery is up to
them, people can help but thats all they
can do, the person with the ed has to do
the work.
I came on forum just to write thats all.
I know you want to help me and be there
for me but I would much rather that you
help yourself, you deserve it and I will
recover when the time is right for me.
You see we write to each other but its
ridicilous because neither of us are doing
anything about recovery, neither of us are
doing something positive to help
ourselves. How can I take advice from you
when I know that you are puking your guts
up or binging as you write to me? The
same goes for me, I have no right to give
you advice because I am not taking my own.
You would help me much more if you
practiced what you preached, that is how
we help people and advice them, take
action and show by example not by words,
its just doesn't work like that.
I know your a very caring person and that
is a great way to be but try and care
about yourself first because in the long
run that is what will help people, that is
what will help you give advice. You can't
give advice on being recovered because
your not and neither am i.
Better go, take care!
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waterbaby3214
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 May 2005 Posts: 31 Location: Michigan
Sorry Posted: 06-05-05 14:27pm
Point taken and i'm sorry if I seemed
preachy.I realise thatyou must be sick of
people telling you all that sh*t.I hate
the thoughts of you being so unhappy and
not being able to help you.But hey that's
life ! Hope you're ok xxx
|
lostoyou
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jan 2004 Posts: 170 Location: Ireland
Posted: 06-05-05 14:52pm
Sorry if I was harse, I didn't mean to be.
I know you are just doing what you can
and what you think is right. I care for
you as well and I don't want to see you
unhappy although I know you are. Its
difficult to see people hurt so much and
not being able to help them, all we can do
is help ourselves and hope that in time
they will follow in our footsteps.
We both care alot and thats a good thing
but we have to be careful because we could
end up caring so much that in the end we
could get hurt.
I'll talk to you soon k, enjoy the bank
holiday, take care
love me.
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waterbaby3214
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 May 2005 Posts: 31 Location: Michigan
Posted: 06-05-05 14:58pm
I do love you (hehe) nah you weren't
harsh,just honest and that's the best way
to be.I totally get what you were saying
and you're right.How can we expect to be
able to help others if we can't help
ourselves.At least we realise that though
! That's something !
|
sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 06-05-05 15:39pm
Hi there! Please start listening to
yourself and others that have been there!
I have been there, and I am not going
back, I know that it is hell,
i work with them now, some will never
function properly, they waited tooo long,
please do not allow this to happen to you.
If you need another counselor, get
another one. Going to the gym is great
but keep in mind that muscles=weight gain
and this is whaat will happen @ the gym.
Good luck to you all!
Sincerely,
sandy
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lostoyou
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jan 2004 Posts: 170 Location: Ireland
Posted: 06-05-05 17:25pm
Thank you for your reply. I am in therapy
and my therapists are wonderful, I
wouldn't go anywhere else. I know there
are alot of complacations which can accure
as a result of eating disorders but I
don't seem to be bothered with that, like
many others I think none of that will
happen to me although it could, I don't
really believe it.
One day I hope to work with people with
eating disorders but I will see, sometimes
I don't want to even live through the next
day so i'll see what happens in time.
You are great to be recovered and helping
others, well done you are extremely strong
and very brave.
Thanks for your concern but I am fine
thanks.
Take care!
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