In Love (??) With Straight Best Friend, Very Confused

This is a pretty common problem, I suppose, but I really don't know what to do.

I'm a 23 yr old guy, and have identified myself as queer since I was 11. Though I am logically open towards the possibility of women, it's just never happened for me. Who knows, I may very well be bisexual. Not that it matters in the larger picture.

In college, I told my best friend 3 days into our friendship that I was gay. He said he was staight, and we've been very close ever since. For the next 3 years, we were inseperable. He never had a girlfriend, despite my attempts to fix him up. Never liked anyone.

Here's where it gets complicated. His mother, who was staying with him at the time, tried to commit suicide. He was devastated, and I did my best to console him. Things between him and his mom and the rest of the family became very sour. But he refused to open up to anybody except me. I wanted him to be able to talk to other people as well, but he never felt comfortable about it.

When college was over, and I was shifting to another town to take up a postgrad course, he was devastated. He literally begged me to stay. One night he suggested we try something physical, though I was relucatant. I could see it was an attempt to get me to stay. It never progressed very far, though it happened on another occasion. Nothing very serious, but something. He later said he was experimenting, but he was straight.

When I was back home on vacation, he would call me long distance literally every day, and tell me how much he missed me, and how I was the only one who understood him. He would call me his soulmate, and stuff like that. I thought he just missed me, and perhaps it was misplaced affections.

Then my father passed away a few days later. I was devastated, and in my grief, I came to the conclusion, that perhaps he (my friend) did love me, and I loved him too. But when I decided to disclose it to him, he went ballistic. He said he was straight, and how could I be so stupid, etc etc.

Eventually, he later said that his reactions were due to his fear that I was rocking the boat. In his own words, I and his relationship with me was the one bright thing in his life, and why I wanted to change that. He was afraid I would be gone too.

Over the next many months, we talked things over, long distance. He said he was straight, and he wasn't attracted to me. But he cared for me a great deal, more than I would ever know. I meant more to him than anybody else in his life, after his sister. He said he was open to the idea of being with a guy, but after all the stuff that happened with his mother and his family, he doesn't believe in love, and didn't want to be in a relationship, of any sort, with anyone.

But when he told me of some 'stuff' that happened between him and a girl, I was devastated. My friends told me to stop bothering over a straight guy, and to let go, and get on with my life. But everytime I tried to break it off with him, he would get really upset. I tried on several occasions to let go, and leave him to his own devices, but I could see he would really suffer. When I met him after almost a year, he was overjoyed to see me. He seemed happy after a really long time. Our common friends whom I confided in told me that he talks constantly about me, and that I am never far from any conversation, and that he's always talking about what I think about a particular film, or my take on a particular matter. They say he really loves me too, but he's too upset and depressed to admit it. I take that with a pinch of salt. But when it was time for me to head back to university, he begged me to stay a bit longer. Everytime I tried to leave, he would get really upset and bogged down. Later on, when I had some distance between us, I tried to break it off again. He said he felt he had lost all will, and couldn't bear to hurt me any more. He felt powerless to stop me, but he would rather see me go, than hurt me anymore. What could I do? I told him to relax, and that I would never leave him, ever.

What do I do? It's all very confusing. Any suggestions would be welcome.