Hello. I am 38 year old married woman of
14 years. We have 2 children together.
14 years ago.....We began with absolutely
nothing. We struggled for about 6 years
finacially, but we were happy. We
started a business that really took off.
Everything seemed like it was going well.
Our kids are into every sport there is.
We put alot of time and effort into their
practices, games, etc. I guess we kinda
lost each other in the midst of money.
We had problems, but just did not take
time to work out these problems. We
kinda put each other on the back burner
for everybody and everything else. I am
a very loving mother, my kids are my life.
I consider myself a good person. I am
very sentimental. Anyway, about 3 months
ago, my husband began acting "strange."
he would be gone for hours w/o a phonecall
or even answering his phone to us. Then
suddenly,he began staying out all night.
One night he tells me that he wants to
separate. I was devastated! I told him
we need to work on things. In my heart I
knew there was another woman. He swore
to me there was not. Just something he
needed to work out himself. Well, he
told me a couple of weeks later he had no
choice but ask for a divorce. I still am
in shock! I never saw it coming. I
found out he had indeed been seeing
another woman all along (began a month
before separation). This is a woman with
a very bad reputation in our town. She
loves to break up marriages.....This is
not the first. She says she is pregnant
by him. In fourteen years, we had never
been separated. He is like a totally
different man. He only wants to see the
kids once or twice a week. I thought
they meant everything to him. He
threatens me with "i am going to fight for
custody of the kids." all the time. My
kids....12 and 9 are having a rough time
with this. They were used to having their
daddy in their lives every day. He
comes over when he wants "something." but
I never give in to him. I just do not
understand all this. He gets mad if he
thinks I am even talking with a man. I
certainly am not looking for a man right
now. I don't know what is going on in
his mind. He talks about missing us, but
yet does not want to spend any time w/ us.
My question is.....Is he playing with my
head? Does he not know what he really
wants?
Midlife crisis maybe? I am just in total
shock.....As is everyone else.
|
tomz
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2004 Posts: 62 Location: Pennsylvania
Sorry to Hear This. Posted: 06-12-05 03:17am
Your husband is a big jerk.
My advise for you is to get a good divorce
attorney and make sure you and your
children are taken care.
My sister is going through a divorce
because her husband cheated on her. They
both were not financially in a good
situation and he probably would have
stayed married and cheated until it was
convenient to leave. My sister did kick
him out. They have two girls 10 and 8.
You need to do what is best for both you
and your girls. Your husband surely is
not looking out for it.
I hope you get through this rough time.
|
tomz
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2004 Posts: 62 Location: Pennsylvania
to Answer Your Question.. Posted: 06-12-05 03:29am
I believe that your husband is playing
head games with you.
You need to take control of the situation
and not be a victim.
You need to make sure you get custody of
your girls as well as financially be
stable.
Your husband will probably find his
finances being strained. I don't know
how this will effect your business also.
I hope you have some good family and
friends who will help give you some good
insight and support (as well as a good
attorney).
The divorce laws seem to be more no-fault
(even though your husband broke your
marriage contract). But the laws are
more to make your children whole, keep
their current standard of living no matter
which parent they live.
I would not trust your husband and again
you need to look out for your best
interest because he surely is not.
Tom
|
1dayatatime
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 May 2005 Posts: 2 Location: Ontario Canada
Posted: 06-15-05 14:37pm
I am 42 and have just experieinced the
same. My husband told me he was finished
with our marriage we have been together
over 20 years. He was living at our
house for about 6 weeks after he said that
was it. We are hoping to sell our home
and move seperately. Last week he
informed me that he was moving out and in
with the girlfriend. Aparently this
affair didnt start until after week broke
up. 2 weeks after. He does see the
kids however not often and we have a
schedule for him to be with them but if it
interferes with a social engagement he
brings them home early. He asks me if I
have a boyfriend. Not sure why maybe
jealous maybe to ease his guilt. I am
very proud of how I have handled this
situation. I have focused on my children
and on me. Not once have I lost my cool.
Reason because I dont want someone who
does not want me. Be brave you will
become whole again. Keep in mind that it
takes two to make it and only one to break
it. Focus on you and your kids. And
think of everything positive that you can.
You are now free to one day find someone
who can love you the way you should be
loved.
|
lovinmom4
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2005 Posts: 37
Thank You Posted: 06-15-05 15:33pm
Thank you tomz and 1dayatatime for your
thoughts and advice. Sometimes having
outsiders looking in helps you see whats
happening. I am sorry for what you are
going through ,1day, . Some days I feel
strong...But in all honesty, I think the
reality of it all is just setting in. I
am very hurt and feel very alone. And i,
too, focus on my children and myself more.
I do not understand how someone can just
walk away from their family for someone
they barely know. He asks me if we can be
friends...But I find it hard to be
friends. I want him to hurt the way I
have hurt. He tells me that he wished
none of this ever happened. But he also
says there is nothing he can do to change
it, that things could never be the same
again. I am very family oriented and
sometimes I have wondered if we could , in
fact, try again. But although he says
little things to lead me to believe we
could get back together, I know he does
not want that.....At least right now.
Maybe he hasn't gotten it "out of his
system". I know I need to move
on.....It's just the hardest thing I have
ever had to deal with. I so wish there
was a quick "remedy' for a broken heart.
Maybe I should get out and do things with
friends..Although I really do not have the
desire to do so. How do you cope
1dayatatime?
Thanks again tomz and 1day for your
replies.
|
Chula616
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 May 2004 Posts: 36 Location: Miami, FL
Child In This Situation Posted: 06-23-05 08:16am
I am twenty so not exactly a child, but in
july of 2003, right after my high school
graduation, my mother caught my father
cheating on her with a friend of the
family. My parents had been married for
twenty years! I had lived in the same
house my entire life. Everyone around us
thought we had the perfect family,
financially stable, always took family
vacations…. I mean everything seemed
perfect. I don’t know for sure how
long my father had been with this woman
but it seems like for a minimum of two
years before my mom found out.
It has been sooooo hard for all of us, my
mom, me and my little brother (17 now).
People always think that if the kids are
older its not so bad. Through my
experience I think it is worse. The best
time for the kids is when they are
toddlers because they don’t really
understand what is going on. At the age
of 18 like I was it was so difficult, I
still have issues with this. It screwed
up the relationship I was in too, because
I was so angry that I felt like I
couldn’t trust any man, imagine, to me
my dad was my hero.
Anyone out there going through a divorce
please do not put your children in it.
My parents would both call me to cry and
tell me what they think. It was so hard
for me to hear or see my mom and my dad
cry. Everyone on the outside of it would
tell me don’t involve yourself, it’s
not your problem. Though this may be
true that’s impossible, because it’s
my family.
It’s been two years and my mom still
isn’t okay, its been really though.
It’s true what 1dayatatime says you are
worth so much more than that. You
don’t need to beg anyone to stay with
you or love you that way you deserve to be
loved. I personally do believe in
forgiveness because hey everyone makes
mistakes, but don’t forgive someone
because they got tired of the other
person, or because now they see they are
sorry. You should know your husband well
enough to know if he really deserves
another chance and if he really cares and
is really sorry. But believe me you
don’t need him, or any other man that
isn’t going to treat you the way god
wants him too.
As far as your girls are concerned, now
they more than at any other time need to
be your number one concern. Observe
them, don’t let them get depressed, and
if they don’t talk to you about it, ask
them how they feel, ask them questions,
because trust me they think about it just
as much as you do. Don’t let them keep
their emotions inside its not healthy.
It’s okay to cry everyday for as long as
it takes.
|
lovinmom4
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2005 Posts: 37
Thanks Again Posted: 06-24-05 23:14pm
Thanks chula for your advice. You have
given me much insight on how my children
must be feeling. When all this first
happened, I did find myself crying in
front of my children. But, I did realize
that it has got to be hard on them to see
me cry. I am now on an emotional
rollercoaster...I seem fine some days,
other days I am a mess. My children keep
me going. They seem like they must stay
busy all the time. It's like if they
slow down, they get sad. They really
miss their dad and sometimes I sense anger
against their father. They are 12 and
10. My husband seems to be living
without any guilt right now...Going to
parties, concerts, and just living it up.
I do not understand how anyone can hurt
their children like he has. A parents
role is to protect their children..Not
hurt them. Any advice coming from kids
that have been thru' this is greatly
appreciated. I want to make this
transition as easy as possible for them.
My son comes to me all the time and says,
"you need a hug dont ya mom?" when, in
fact, I really believe that it is he that
needs the hug. I assure them all the time
that it was nothing they done to cause
this mess. I tell them every day that I
will never leave them..I will always be
there for them. How do you heal a child's
broken heart? Thank you again for your
insight on the situation(s).
