Hi
i want to share what’s being happening
in my marriage over the last year as I am
still very confused and need the benefit
of some advice so I can make some sort of
decisions on what to do.
We’ve been married nearly 14 years and
have 2 children and have had our ups and
downs but nothing major and I thought we
were happy.
About a year ago my wife started using a
forum quite heavily and had made a number
of friends and as things progressed they
all began to chat on a messenger service.
She was online it seemed almost
constantly, to the point where
conversation was rare, and became very
vague and protective of her online
activities.
Consequently I became a little suspicious
so had a look on the forum while she was
at work and found that lot of her posts
were very flirtatious so I had a look on
her laptop where I knew she had photos and
stuff of these people. There were a
number of text files and I had a look and
my suspicions were confirmed as I found
some fairly intimate chats she had had
with a particular person.
I was really hurt and upset about this
and we had a lot of arguments and went
through a fairly torrid time with threats
of divorce and a lot of animosity between
us. She stopped talking to the guy but I
felt betrayed and unable to trust her and
for a couple of months tried to keep tabs
on her online activities as she continued
to use the forum and messenger. Things
came to a head when I started behaving
unreasonably by accusing her of all sorts
of things and I was unable to believe that
she was acting innocently, particularly as
she has a number of male contacts she
talks to and again the arguments raged
mainly because she felt that my constant
checking was trapping her and making her
feel stifled.
As time went on however, I managed to
stop this horrible jealous feeling I was
getting and things were calming down. She
was still online quite heavily but as she
explained, these people were just friends
and nothing was happening and I was
eventually happy with that.
Some of her friends came and went as
online friendships sometimes do and a few
months back a guy came on the scene very
regularly. I only know of this as
sometimes she would she would show me
things on her pc and she was in private
message with this guy every time (i had
promised never to check on her late last
year and I haven’t !! ) and sometimes I
got the feeling that maybe it was
happening again and a couple of times I
bought up the subject but she’s just get
annoyed and tell me that I had to trust
her and that nothing was happening, so I
let things rest and tried not to worry
about it.
However a few weeks back, she was as
usual at her laptop chatting away and I
was in and out of the room, she had shown
me a number of funny items on the forum
and one time as I walked in I glanced down
at the screen. She was in pm with this
guy and all I saw was him telling her how
he had been masturbating over her picture.
I didn’t say anything for a while and
later that evening asked her what exactly
she did talk about with this guy as they
had been chatting for some months almost
constantly. She said it was just idle
chit chat so I asked her what he meant by
the masturbation thing. Immediately she
got upset, I was accused of snooping over
her shoulder and then told that there was
nothing untoward going on to which I
replied that there were certain things
that people can say which I deem
unacceptable and that was one of them.
She agreed and has since said that she has
sorted it with this guy so it won’t
happen again but that she will not stop
talking to him as she will not be dictated
to who she can talk to by me.
I’m really upset that this has happened
and I don’t know how to react. I
deliberately bad mouthed the guy last
night and she defended him and said that
my comments were unfounded and that she
will not stop talking to him for my sake
and now the subject matter is strictly off
limits. I’m upset by this as I can’t
work out whether I am being unreasonable
and dictatorial or whether she is
overstepping the relationship boundaries,
whatever we can no longer talk about it
and if I don’t like who she is talking
to and that she is almost constantly
online whilst at home, then it is my
problem to sort and not hers.
I’m at a loss what to think, she has
said within the last 48 hours that our
relationship is fine and that she loves
me, but on the other hand talks online
with a guy who obviously has some sort of
thing for her…….Am I
unreasonable??????
|
twentyone
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Mar 2005 Posts: 61 Location: uk
Posted: 06-13-05 07:18am
Hi,
im sure you are feeling really bad at the
minute, and my advice is probably not
going to give you much of a plesent
outlook either. You did say you wanted an
honest opionion. First of all I think
that your wifes constant online chatting
is completly unacceptable! You are most
certainly not being unreasonable here. Me
and my boyfriend both met online and since
we got together 2 yrs ago either one of us
has went online, most of online chat is
just flirty behaviour. I mean there is a
lot of lonely people looking to chat to
people about idle chit chat as your wife
would say but I am guessing that your wife
and these men are not some of them.
You seem a very honest guy as when you
promised that you would not snoop into her
computer you havent! That is a really
hard thing for you to do im sure. I think
your wife is totally out of order and
needs to make up her mind what she wants
and fast. It is pure selfishness that she
is acting this way with you.
Talk to her and explain that you are no
way being unreasonable and are not trying
to boss her but there is a line and you
are not going to let her cross it and ruin
a marriage over a few pms online. Your
wife gotta make her mind up its not right
and its not fair.
I hope you will keep your spirits high and
I wish you all the luck in the world. Im
sorry if I havent said wot you would have
liked to hear.
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Justin_Toronto
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jan 2005 Posts: 418 Location: Toronto, ON
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 06-27-05 13:16pm
Look, I don't care if this is online or in
person. She has stepped relationship
boundaries a number of times and continues
to do so. He's masturbating to her
picture, ok... So what kind of pictures
is she taking and sending to him? What
has he sent her? ... Anything over
webcam?... How long will it take before
he comes down to meet up with her, or has
it happened already?
She needs some excitement in her life, and
this is how she is getting it.. Which is
understandable, but does not make it
acceptable.
Brother, you need to get your act together
and do something.. You're way to idle
about this. Violence, yelling,
jealously, none of this is acceptable ways
to rebute. And it's fairly obvious that
conversation will not take you very far,
since she pulls the "stop being jealous",
and "nothing wrong, stop making something
out of nothing" in efforts to turn the
table around to make you the person at
fault.
This isn't right, period.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
You're being cheated on, plain and simple.
If she wasn't, she wouldn't hide
anything... Where's the trust?
Pm me if you need to talk.
Good luck,
justin
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winky2
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jun 2005 Posts: 33
Hi Posted: 06-30-05 19:22pm
My husband used to push me around and
threaten me that he'd leave me penniless
and take our kids away permanently...He
never took me on a date, ever...He liked
to read his own things and was grumpy all
of the time, especially if "we" bugged him
from his own aspirations...
That being said, yes I met someone online
and it evolved like crazy...I was scared
of my husband and his threats, I never
felt loved, and I wanted to have a home
with my kids...Yet there was the "me" part
that was left over, that's where someone
got an "in" with me...
My husband died in a car accident, and
then the online affair fell apart, and I
felt guilty though I never met him and
though my husband was purely a *hit
towards me...After he died I learned my
dear departed was already making lawyer
plans to destroy what little I had (my
kids, I have no family)
sometimes the online thing is only a
fantastical exploration of "what ifs"...To
me I was too scared to leave, he'd have
tried to ruin me and take my most precious
things...My children...I never even knew
if I was attractive, I never knew who I
was, all I knew was the denegration I got
from my husband...
I know she's cheating but if you care to
know why you might find that she does need
to know something about herself that she's
not knowing through you...For me it was
that I could be loved, that I was lovable,
attractive...These are basic human
concepts, and if they're not being
fulfilled in the relationship, people will
go outside of the relationship...
I'm a widow now and got life insurance and
my kids, and I had a hard time grieving
over their daddy, really I did...I still
shudder at his physical attacks and verbal
threats and telling me I was not as good
as "other women"...His family heard only
about the online affair, and they dis'ed
me totally and don't even talk to our kids
(now none of us have any family at all
anywhere) and never knew of his
abuse...But it's ok to get as many
dysfunctional people out of my life!
I'm in a 5 year relationship now, this man
just loves me, my kids, and worships the
ground I walk on...I have higher self
respect than I ever did, and because I was
an abused/neglected child I did not have
expectation for good treatment entering
into marriage, but now I do expect to be
treated well (even if you don't expect it,
when you don't get treated well it still
hurts)...
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CTC5747
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Jul 2005 Posts: 5 Location: ny
Hi Posted: 07-05-05 19:12pm
No, I do not think that you are being
unreasonable in any way whatsoever. Your
wife shouldn't be talking to other men who
are using any profnaity towards her. I
feel your pain, me and my ex boyfriend had
the same problem, where I was the one
being insecure about his computer use. He
thought that I was being unreasonable, but
I only wanted to be able to trust him.
Things will get better, they did for me
:).
Sincerely,
vickie
