My bf and I have been dating for 9 years,
living together for the last 2.
I am 25 and he just turned 29.
We started dating in highschool and I
loved him immediately. We couldnt get
enough of eachother and we were physical
50-60 times a month (i'd keep track for
fun sometimes).
I went to college about an hours drive
away and he started getting jealous. I
fit in well and made lots of friends and
went out often. He didnt like me going
out so much when he was stuck at home
working endlessly and we ended up breaking
up for about a month (until I moved back
home). The break did me well and I missed
him and things were good again.
Fast forward a few years (2001) and I
started a new job. A coworker and I
flirted incessantly and ended up having an
affair on and off for a few months and
during this my bf and I decided to have a
break for a while again. I was shocked I
could be intimate with someone else so
easily and even tho bf never learned of
the affair I wanted to spend some time
alone to see what I felt. We agreed to
get back together for the holdidays after
only 2 months apart even tho I really
wasnt sure I was ready to do so. It was
just easier than answering our families
questions. Since then things have been
going unsteadily.
Sex has dwindled from several times a week
to almost never. I have little or no
desire to have sex with him anymore and I
know it frustrates him. Things have been
hard, but we've managed to keep going
until recently.
Another coworker (first one has long since
moved away) has shown interest in me for
years now and we've always been best
friends. The last few months we've
started fooling around and even tho we've
never had sex (not for lack of trying tho)
we've been pretty intense. Its over
now...He didnt want to get hurt in the end
and figured we should back off and I
understand. I dont want to hurt him
either and i've developed strong feelings
for him that I will now have to bury. I
can deal with that since I was wrong to
get involved in the first place.
Again it made me realize that I must not
be happy in my current relationship and I
brought it up to my bf. Again he does not
know about any other guys i've been
with...It would crush him to know. He
just knows that im not ready to get
married and I dont know if i'll ever be.
He thinks it would solve our problems and
I think the exact opposite!
I dont understand why I lhave looked to
outside sources for sexual pleasure
...Always only good friends and not just
random ppl...And why I do not care to have
sex with my bf but it worries me.
I dont want to end up feeling like he's a
brother and not a mate
im not sure if that intense lust and
desire..The electricity and heat felt when
first pursue someone or are being persured
is supposed to die out and leave you with
comfortability and complacentcy or if im
supposed to be raging in love after all
this time.
Id love to have a break to sort out my
head, but with living together its almost
impossible. I cant financially afford to
move out on my own right now and I have no
one to move in with temporarily either. I
feel sort of forced to make it work since
we have already invested 9 years of our
lives together and our families and
friends cant wait for us to finally get
married.
Am I overreacting? Is this comfortably
numb feeling expected?
A friend of mine once said that as long as
the good times outnumber the bad its still
worth it. I do love him and we have great
times together, but im not sure if im
still in love with him or if I supposed to
feel that same intensity as I once did
years ago or briefly with other men.
Someone please help me...!
|
Pilleus
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jun 2004 Posts: 109 Location: Florida
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 06-13-05 10:51am
Don't get married if you're not sure.
If you're not sure that means don't! I
wish I would have been smart and not
gotten married. You need to be out on
your own for a while. Try to find a
roomate if you have to. Just move out
and enjoy your youth and freedom while you
still can.
|
Unhappy and unsure
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Jun 2005 Posts: 20
Posted: 06-13-05 11:11am
Thanks for the reply.
I wont get married until im sure of the
relationship. Im just not sure if how I
feel about my bf is strong enough to last
the next 40 or 50 years when in the past 9
we've had so many struggles.
To be more correct, i've had so many
struggles...He loves me to death and wants
nothing more to get married and have
babies.
It kills me to be unsure and id love to
wake up tomorrow and be confident in our
relationship. I do want us to work out I
think...I just wish I could find the spark
that was there so long ago. If I could
find it then I wouldnt have to look to
others anymore and would invest more time
in us.
|
Pilleus
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jun 2004 Posts: 109 Location: Florida
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 06-13-05 11:47am
I remember how it felt when I first met
the man I am now married too. We had so
much passion and the sex was out of this
world.
Unfortunately, as most of us know, that
spark eventually fades away.
Have you thought about counseling?
|
Unhappy and unsure
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Jun 2005 Posts: 20
Posted: 06-13-05 11:59am
Where I am from there really is no
counceling. Its very very rural and
counceling is almost unheard of here which
is why i've turned to forums for advice.
I really dont have anyone I can talk to
that isnt a member of the family, etc.
That would be objective and offer unbiased
advice.
There are times I feel good about us and
think that I should just get married and
the rest will come, and other times I
wonder if i'll ever be happy.
Im a very insecure person and I know that.
I often base my actions and thoughts on
what others say or do or go out of my way
to please others. I have adopted the
whole "as long as everyone else is happy,
my happiness can wait" attitude over the
years. Trying to figure out what I want
is new territory, but vital to make sure I
dont end up marrying this guy to make ppl
happy.
I often wonder if im missing out on
something since I dated him from the age
of 16 and really didnt have a lotta dating
experience before him and the whole
promiscuity is my way of experiencing that
before im married...? Im not sure...
I really dont think id cheat once im
married, but then again I really didnt
think id have cheated at all. Its not
like I dont feel bad about it, I just have
become a bit jaded and tend to "let things
ride" and see how they turn out. This is
how im dealing with things right now and
it feels like im running out of time (bf
wants to be married or at least engaged by
the time he's 30 and he just turned 29 in
may)
|
Unhappy and unsure
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Jun 2005 Posts: 20
Update... Posted: 06-29-05 09:48am
Well..Im not sure if anyone cares or not
lol but im posting an update.
The last few weeks have been hard, but
since I last posted I have dealt with a
few issues.
I talked to the coworker I was messing
with and told him I understand why he
stopped it and told him I value our
friendship over anything and that even tho
I have some serious feelings yet, I wasnt
going to let them stand in the way of the
totally laid back, best friend kinda
relationship. I told him he wont even
know and that I wont say a word or do
anything to jepordize that.
I felt way better after knowing we were
supposed to be ok
as for the relationship with my bf, its
been slow going. He wanted me to decide
immediately if I was going to stay or go
and I couldnt. I told him that I wanted
to let it ride out a bit and see how it
went. I really wanted the mess with the
coworker put to rest so I could think more
clearly.
We've gotten back to talking....Theres
still the odd awkward moment, and no
intimacy yet but we're doin better.
I just found out today that the coworker
has a new girlfriend. This doesnt really
surprise me since I had a sneaking
suspicion before and I mentally prepared
myself for it. What did surprise me was
that other than the initial "i feel like
such a fool for still liking him" feeling,
im mostly happy for him. He's so sweet
and amazing that he really does deserve
someone who can give him 100%. Yes I do
still care, but he's moved on and im
hoping I will to. I really do think that
once the initial awkward meeting her and
getting to know her stage is over with
that i'll be so much better. Our
friendship will be returned to its former
easy-goingness and im hoping my
relationship with my bf will get renewed
or at least a fair shot without the
pressure of wondering "what if" in regards
to the coworker.
Since it ended i've been on this
exercise/eat healthier kick to lose some
weight and make myself feel better about
me. Only 3lbs so far, but im gonna keep
it up. I really have never liked myself
despite others telling me I look fine and
I think thats what led me to the cheating.
The insecurity is constant and having
someone else tell me they're interested in
me or that I look good is a great turn on
since I want so badly to believe it.
Initially the kick was to look better for
myself and to make coworker jealous....As
if to say "look what you didnt want" (as
awful as that sounds)...But now its for
me. The attention I may get from others
is still a motivation, but im trusting the
confidence I get from looking better will
raise my self esteem to a level where I
dont need that outside confirmation to
believe good things about myself.
*crosses my fingers*
anyways..Sorry about the rant. It feels
good to sort this all out and unload
somewhere. *hugz all*
