Depression Forum - I Need Some Advice


I Need Some Advice

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jd27765

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I Need Some Advice Posted: 06-14-05 01:28am


I am definately depressed, but maybe not in the same way that most people are. I read a couple of things on this site about how all the people who are suffering from depression are doing something to themselves like cutting or crying. I instead do nothing. I let it all bottle up inside of me and im at the point of doing something I dont want to do. I am not depressed for the same reason most people my age are, im 14, most of them are depressed because they think they are ugly or physical things, I am depressed because of my mentality and the lack of being able to relate to other people. In my community I am always the odd one out. No matter what it is, its usually race but I don't care about that anymore, but there are other things that are not as obvious. I cannot seem to relate to anyone whether it be music or just my lifestyle. I feel thatmost people my age are just drones. All the kids at my school have at least a 3.5 gpa because I go to a special school for kids that are smart and stuff. Of course when I first came there I thought nothing of it because I had hung around with kids who were very uneducated and all we did all day was wreak havoc on neighbors and such. When I came to my school 2 years ago, I realised all these kids did all day was study. I also realised that they were not smart at all. They all lack common sense and all they do is study. I cannot do this. I am constantly babbling on in my head like I am now and thinking of things more complex than what I should be thinking about. Every night it takes me an average of two hours to fall asleep. I am often wondering whether or not there is god, what is existence, if there is a heaven, if there is an afterlife. I am consumed by so many things and all I do is put a smile on my face when I wake up and pretend I perfectly normal. I have limited friends. And the friends I do have like me alot, but they dont like the actual me. When I go to school I put on a front to everyone. I am usually funny and i'm always the class friend and crack jokes. But truthfully I am hurting. I cannot began to explain how much hell I go through in my mind. I stopped hanging around with alll the bad kids I knew thinking it would help me. It didn't, so I tried to go back to them but they didn't like me anymore because they thought that I thought I was too good for them. This made things worse. I stay up untill 3 am now playing video games or various things on the internet so I can escape my reality. In this post I havent even been honest of what I really feel like because i'm so afraid of telling things to other people because I have put on a mask for way too long. I often find myself sitting on the edge of my windowsill or holding a knife to my throat because I cannot find answers. I have been trying to find stuff to help me and I have been looking to god and to music, but everything seems to false and contradictory. And now I realise how much of an fool I am for even coming here and for writing some long post when I know I cant get help because I cannot bare to see the look on my moms face when I tell her the truth which is worse than what I have said here, I just want to look for someone to talk to who might have gone through the same thing... Bye

Jemini

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Hi There Jd Posted: 06-14-05 06:07am


Well being still quite a tender age of 14. I can recall back around that point in my teens they were very confusing times for me. Over thinking can drive your crazy because your just going round and round in your head and making things worst because your over analizing everything. Try meditation/relaxation to help calm down your thoughts before going to sleep because I to have had the tendency to think and think and think which drove me nuts! Really do seek out some help to someone, if not your mum, then someone you feel you can trust because once someone knows your going through a hard time, i'm sure they will be able to help out in some why. I'm just someone here that can give as much info as I can, it may be lame but as you grow up your mind does eventually settle as you start to get to know yourself a bit more. Don't let you mind take you over, your the one that's meant to controlling it. Hope things will look up for you soon and that you find any answers you seek for.

jd27765

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Posted: 06-15-05 01:30am


I left a lot of stuff out in my first post because I was really tired I haven't slept for a couple days I think because i'm havign severe insomnia. I also feel as if I am always spaced and just recently I was laying in my bed and I thought I heard voices, then I walked out of my room and went to the bathroom to kind of wash my face because I got scared from it, and I completely blanked out and when I next thing I knew I was in my room. I have no clue at all what any of this means. I have been trying meditation and just trying to calm myself down, but it doesn't help because when I do get enough sleep I still feel like I am tired. I have also stopped going to school and this is my last week which is very important because I have finals. I just feel like I should stop living because nothing seems worth it. I keep convincing myself that when I die I will simply cease to exist which is very scary so if I will inevitably stop thinking or doing anything once I die then why delay this? I am very confused of what to do. I also didn't mention how my mom is depressed and she takes meds for it. I feel that if I tell her my situation then she will put herself at fault for passing it on to me. Does anyone know of any way to talk to like a phsycaitrist online because I don't want anyone finding about how depressed I am because I would feel ten times worse knowing that other people know my state.

down123

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Posted: 06-15-05 09:45am


I was like you too. Very afradi of letting my family know that I was feeling down quite often and feeling alot of anxiety in my life. There is actually a lot of help out there that is free. Im not sure where you live in, canada or the states but either way there is special services out there. Sometimes it can be hard to find because it is not advertised as much so you kinda have to search for it. But I think that one of the best options is to talk to a guidance councellor at your school. And im sure that all schools have guidance councellors. Or maby even your teacher if you trust them and if there is no guidance councellor at your school....But if there is, the councellor is the best choice!!!..... But be sure to be open to your teacher/councellor and let them know not to tell your mother because she too has some depression, and they should be understanding about it. It is ok if you cry also. Dont hold anything back. Once you let it all out for them, they will get to know you better and they will be able to help you out more. They may even be able to find you resources or hook you up with someone special to talk to. Thats why they are called guidance councellors because they "guide" you throguh things. And another thing...Do you have any hobbies or a job that can keep you busy? Keep us posted on how you are doing and what step you have taken or who you have spoken too.....

jd27765

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Posted: 06-15-05 23:42pm


Thanks for the advice, but I think that I am strong enough to do this alone, all though I do want help, I think if I can do it alone it may be a lot better. But I would rather tell my mom than talk to any guidance counselor or teacher or even a doctor. I am very paranoid about those kind of things, I could think of things for an entire week of what they could do with information I give them. Thanks for the advice though.

Jemini

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Posted: 06-16-05 06:12am


We are not meant to suffer alone! I had the exact same attitude that this was my own doing and I will be the one that was going to solve my problem alone! It's not easy than you think, i'm being brutely honest here becuase if you do it alone your will make yourself worst off! And looking at the way you are right now and having thoughts of being better off alone, thats way to serious to even joke about! Having thoughts of dying is very unhuman so to speak. Stop being stubborn and get the help you need otherwise you will end up being alone, humans aren't meant to be alone jd. So please get some help before you really do something stupid! You mind is your worst enemy, start getting in control with it because at this rate it sounds like you don't have that much control over it right now. (i'm sorry to be brutaul, but I really don't like the thought that people need to die so they can calm their thoughts and refuse to get help because they are so stuck in their own self pittying, and another thing if you love your mother, you let her know because going behind loved ones back has nasty consequences and not only do you hurt yourself, but your loved ones will be twice as hurt!)

Berns

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Don't Lose the Hope Please Posted: 06-16-05 08:04am


Hi! Thank you so much for posting this message, it has already helped me a lot to simply realize that there are people out there encountering difficulties with their lives leading eventually to suicidal thoughts too. And by looking at this forum board I think you are really not the only one that thinks and works the way you do even though you were not fortunate enough as yet to find somebody else that is on the same lines as you. But please don’t despair and keep on searching! I obviously can’t give you the answers to the purpose of existence or the other fundamental questions mankind has been struggling to answer for so long however try to appreciate your own ability to see the world from such a perspective even if you would rather call it a burden than a blessing. Tragic, pain and even loneliness carry beauty and maybe you can look into them and find something that it is truly worth living for. There is beauty all around us and you should not perceive the world as only negative no matter how grim it appears to be as beneath there lies beauty in its design so superior to any possible thought a human mind could create that realizing it all nobody might ever be able to as it would take too much to process. So try to enjoy and welcome simply just what you can see. Maybe in this respect you can find some inspiration in some philosopher's writings if you have not already done so. Really art of any sort could further comfort and reassure you that you are not alone indeed. Being creative might also help you to find your own way of understanding your confusion. A very good friend of mine once told me about this very artful poem in broken images by robert grave and the last two lines have helped me to accept and regard everything with a different attitude as he sums up so precisely: he, in a new confusion of his understanding; i, in a new understanding of my confusion. Please do not give up as it would be such a waste of life. Suicide is not the answer but an easy escape route that will not lead to true relief. There are so many reasons to live on even if it seems pointless to you. I find anything evolving around death as very amazing and interesting and I cannot hide that I am curious to know what it is like to stop existing. However you will die one day anyway, so why take the decision in your own hand, you might just deprive yourself of what you were looking for if you choose to leave before your time. Also please consider that such a decision is naturally irreversible and never underestimate that you might rue the day you took your own life. Once done you cannot undo it, so think about it very carefully. The closer I get to killing myself the more I learn to enjoy the day I wake up on after having struggled the night before. Something inside you wants to live and it is your challenge to find it and also find the reason for it. Since I would say you do not want to inflict even more pain than you can see around you in various forms already, by leaving forever people will miss you, people even that you would not expect you to cry after your departure so if merely for the ones you truly love, stay alive and don’t cause them the harm and guilt so unnecessary and plentiful in our world. What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger, please live through this and it will benefit you in the end. I wish you all the best pain is beauty.

down123

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Posted: 06-16-05 09:26am


Hey jd27765, i just want to point out to you that the doctors and councellors etc have a confidentiality aggreement paper that they have to sign and if they breech that contract they can potentially lose their job! I know this because I am studying in the health care field and I have had to sign those papers and it is being constantly reminded to us students the importance of confidentiality. If you decide to speak to someone, you can even tell them that you are worried about disclosure and confidentiality and they will tell you about it. Its nothing to worry about. I think you are worried about revealing your problems to someone and worried about what they may think about you. So what. We all have our problems too no matter how small or big they are or seem. I also believe it is anxiety that is making you afraid to go to a councellor because that is what anxiety makes us do, escape or avoid our fears. I went to a councellor and she told me that the only way you can overcome these feelings is if you 'face your fears'. Things will be ok for you once you understand what anxiety is. Every single person has some degree of anxiety. It is a normal part of living and it is like some sort of survival mechanism, but too much of it can really debilitate a person from heading for their goals if they do not know how to properly deal with the intense feelings and emotions and thougths that it can make us have. I just wanted to give u additional information so that you are well informed of your choices. If you want to tell your mother and you feel good about it, thats great. Just dont suffer alone. Its too hard! If you are really handling it on your own that is great! But if you are on the verge of collapse and exhaustion, please talk to someone! Keep us posted!

jd27765

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Posted: 06-16-05 20:12pm


Berns, downs, thank you especially what you said berns, you're right. But also I don't care about some confidential agreement its complete caca. I used to talk to my brother physciatrist, he wasnt depreesed he had adhd and other things, but I remember specifically asking the physc if there has ever been a case where he broke the agreement, and he said he does it all the time. He told me he is required by law to log everything someone says. And guess what, if anyone with authority over him asks for those logs and files he has to hand them over. So lets just say I admit to something stupid like shoplifting, then theres some huge shopplifting crime or something im just beinh hypethetical and i'm somehow a prime suspect, well im screwed because they can easily ask my physc to find anything hinting a willingness to shopplift or whatever u wanna call it, and boom they got me. Also it can be used for anything, like if I were to run for some important political office they can ask for my files, of course its not that simple it would be very hard for them but they can get it. And all though I am only 14 and I haven't done anything too bad I definetly don't want anything of mine revealed. So I will just deal with it alone, except I will gladly talk to anyone over the internet about anything as long as i'm not asked anything revealing my identity. Im not sure maybe paranoia is a symptom of depression, or paranoia causes my depression because it makes me feel alone. <--- breakthrough, see I can deal with it myself, but if anyone wants to talk to me maybe to help me or something leave like someway I can talk like email or something I dunno and I will contact you, but I don't want to leave mine. And jemini, I know you are trying to help, but I dont think you understand me as well as berns does. I really liked what he said especially that poem I wouldn't call it inspiring because I am already inspired but I think it is very helpful. Thank you.

jd27765

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Posted: 06-16-05 20:38pm


Lol I guess it censored b.S. In my first line or something, but thats what I meant, b.S.

jd27765

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Posted: 06-16-05 20:54pm

down123 wrote:

i wonder what people who are happy and loud and outgoing are thinking in their minds?

found this from an earlier post from you down, and the answer is they are thinking absolutely nothing. Why think about anything when they have what they want and need to feel secure. It us who ask for answers and therefore god punishes us with anxiety regret and angst. I feel betrayed by my own mind, and you know what I am more willing to be depressed than conform like "the normal people" and the "happy people", I say screw that they can go ahead and be drones like the people I despise at my school. What makes them cool you may ask? Their willingness to obey and change on demand. It is us who hold on to our dignity and hold on to our mind and our own thought whether we are aware of it or not. If I somehow find my way out of this hole I am more than likely to fall right in again untill I die and reach my destination, where I can be free and do as I please without having to worry about making money, or worrying about time, or trying to show beauty. These are all man made concepts not something enforced by god. I believe we will never be "human" untill we learn to think for ourselves. And all the guidance counselors teachers shrinks doctors will all say the same thing because they need us more than we need them. Do any of you think there are teachers or counselors or shrinks in heaven? Of course not because god wants us to use the one thing we can never deprive ourselves of, our freewill. I am not depressed and neither is anyone else here. We are being oppressed by the norm and being forced into doing things that go against the very nature of our soul and spirit. Now dont get me wrong, their are some people who are setting trends who mean no harm, but the majority are perfectly aware of what they are doing. Look at the tobacco company, they used conformity to their advantage to hook people on their product. I haven't seen any wild animal do this, only humans. Maybe god has something planned for all of us. Maybe we here are different for a specific reason. I don't mean that we are to rise up in arms against our leaders, but I think god agve me the ability to think on my own so that I can escape from this world. Even though suicide would help me escape and meet my nirvana, I am sure god does not want me to do this. God wants me and everyone else here to witness the horror of conformity and to preach to other that we should not give in to peer pressure and not give in to anything. God wants us to listen to our own music, sing our own songs, and write our own scriptures so long as we urge others to also follow their own path. And you know what I have found my motivation to move on and leave this sad state of mind behind, and teach others of the heaven I look forward to. Depressed is not what I am, nor is it what anyone else is, it is simply difference that you are suffering and the opposition to the norm. Goodbye everyone I will post here no longer.

wildirishrose352

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Posted: 06-16-05 21:45pm


Hi i'm holly, as I was reading your initial post I started having flashbacks. Almost everything you said I went through. It's so hard being a teenager nowadays. I understand how you feel about your mother knowing about the extent of your depression, I too felt that way. I messed up and that's how she found out. I tried to kill myself in school and the teacher caught me and it was a whole big mess. Good thing it was at the end of the year. I didn't go back to school that year. My mom put me in this behavorial center where there are other teens there that are there for different reasons. My mom still doesn't know that I tried to hang myself. I only tried to commit suicide, you probably think i'm a freak, but i'm not, i'm just a depressed teen or was anyways. What you need is emotional support, that's one of the reasons I got through my depression. I had my mom and some friends. The reason I tried to commit suicide is because of my father. He didn't hurt me physically, rather mentally. I used to be the apple of his eye then all of a sudden he doesn't love me any more, he told me he didn't want to be my father anymore. But, you cannot keep it all bottled up inside, you can't if you do you will eventually go insane. You have got to tell someone, even if its your teddy bear or an animal or anything you just need to get it out there in the air so you can get through this. The worst thing you can do is keep it bottled up inside. I learned that the hard way. Eventually these feelings that I kept pinned up inside of me came out of me, in a bad way. I started to kick and hit my sister and it was all she could do to hold my hands and push me away, I knew she couldn't or even wouldn't hit me. My sister is 17 years older than me. She didn't get hurt bad but I felt so bad about hitting her that I cried myself to sleep. It took years for me to really feel happy and content with myself. If you need to talk anytime just email me at wildirishrose352@sbcglobal.Net i'll be praying for you. I hope you find hope and happiness. I'll be here for you if you need me. Holly. P.S.: the best way to help yourself is to help others, volunteer at a soup kitchen, believe me when you help someone else you help yourself to heal.

melissa22

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Re: Posted: 06-16-05 23:56pm


I think there's a lot of good advise given to you now. The only problem is, as grown as you might be, you are still 14. People need to remember that when they post. At 14 I was doing pot skipping class and yes shoplifting. So what. Now as an adult I know what I did was wrong. Listing to adults at that age was in one ear and the out other. I would not take the advise of any adults cause no one caught me doing anything. Jd27765 your brother has a t and your mom is depressed as well. You need to find an outlet for yourself. Most teens have friends, hobby's, sports. What does a teen do when they don't have those? Seek an adults help. Jd27765 you are obviously concerned for yourself or you would not be on the forums. Taking your own life is nothing to dismiss or joke about. Your family is going through a rough time. I don't know if it's always been that way or if it's just now starting. Either way you need to get help. I had a hard time and never listened or reached out to any one. I wish at 14 therapy was an option for me. Even a healthy individual can seek therapy. There's nothing wrong with getting help. So you don't want nothing to come out in your adult life, right? Don't mention those types of things. You can control your sessions with a therapist. You don't have to tell them your inner most thoughts. You just have to tell them what you are comfortable with. Don't be childish about getting help. There are teen hot lines you can call just to have someone to talk to. Try calling one and see what it does for you. Best of luck

Jemini

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Posted: 06-17-05 05:57am


Hey jd, not sorry for lashing out, I have a tendency to lash out now and again and have no control at the time. - bi polar you call it. Hope things start looking up for you maybe not now, or soon but eventually.

2891cheese

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Posted: 01-28-08 16:15pm


jd27765 I understand what your going through please keep strong. I'm about to graduate and I remember times when I felt bad too, but I kept in mind that God is the hearer of all prayers, there is nothing he cannot accomplish.