He Is Killing Me

I have been dealing with a man who is killing me. Two years ago, we were tight for money around christmas time, so I went to work overnight ontop of my 8 hr work day. I haven't had friends in years to make him happy. However, I was going through some things, he was always too busy to listen or told me I was stupid, if I talked to him. At this night job there were a few of us who talked all the time, then one night a man spoke to me and just broke down, he had come from out of state to try to rekindle a relationship with the mother of the child and the son. It was a story kind of dealing with me and my issues, I was interested in the conversation, nothing else. I made that abundantly clear. I told the man that I was married, even though after 10 years, I am not, to make sure the understanding was there that I am only interested in conversation. He seemed to understand. One day, this man called and asked me to meet him out, knowing I shouldn't, I did because we were co workers and it seemed safe. I didn't tell my other half, only because he is jelous of women, I definatley didn't tell him about a man. I drove about 30 minutes from my house when I was suppose to be going to the night job, met this man and we went to a waffle house and talked for about 30 minutes, and his sole concern was, that he felt like a diappointment and wanted to know if I could help him get a job? I didn't understand the urgency of seeing me that day. We also talked about his relationship with the mother and son and he because I didn't have a ring on asked me r u really married, I said no but we have been together for 10 years and we just haven't had a chance to save up for a marriage with life and kids. I don't really think that way, but I didn't want to lead on that I had any misery. But you know, after 2 days and 3 nights straight of being awake working, you are not thinking so clearly, but it was obvious that this situation wasn't good for me. After my food came, I ate about 1/2 and knew that I was late and should be going to work. I got in my car, drove away, and didn't hear from this man for 2 weeks. It was new years, I was at work, he called in a frantic, I need a place to stay, well what is going on, I will tell you later, can you help me out. My boss was walking around and noticed the personal call, I said, ok. Meet you at 9. Knowing well that I wasn't going. My family was home when I got there, making plans to go to see other family, I had a headache, I had to work and wouldn't be able to go. I knew that I told this man that I would meet him at 9 so I deliberatley left home after 10, it is cold here, why would he wait. Long story short, he did wait, I took him to get a room, he said live a little have a drink, I am not a drinker, I had one drink, hadn't eaten, sleep deprived and had to drive to work. I felt a little sick, one drink is all that I had, I laid down to get the sick feeling to go away. Not knowing that I would fall asleep, I was awaken by this man, that I trusted, the father who wanted to do something great after years, on top of me. I began to tell him to get off of me. This went on for about 5 minutes, till he finally said, damned 000000 I don't have to rape you. Well I was upset, yelling, went for my car and he followed, I figured he wanted to explain, his excuse, I had too much to drink, I tried to drive away, he jumped in the car and I drove and yelled, and yelled why did you try to do this to me, I only tried to help you. The story goes on. I dropped him in the middle of the street. I counldn't go to work now. I was a mess. I was scared to go home because the kids and the other half would be there. But I figured, that is the best place for me. I went home, they weren't home, I was stillnot feeling well, I sat on the couch with water, hoping to feel a little better . I fell asleep again, to be awaken by my other half and he wanted sex. What to do, tell him someone, that I shouldn'thave been around in the first place, tried to hurt me, or just go with the flow and leave well enough alone, nothing happened. I went with the flow. I had to excape afterwards because I was still upset. I said I was going shopping and I did to have time to think this out. Being a rape victim @ 13. 15. And 18, and molested at 2.And 9. This was major setback for me and I couldn't shake it. My only next excape, my grandmothers house, so I told him that I need to take a trip. I did it in january, but the night before I was scheduled to leave almost 2 1/2 weeks after this incident, this man calls me. Did you get my messages, yes, I did, they were apologies. It still doesn't explain why you did what you did to me or tried!!!. I told him that he had me so confused that I was going to my grandmother's house, he says well isn't that in the city, I said yes, and at that moment he says, things are bad here, I have no where to go, could I ride with you. My first reponse r u insane, you are calling to apologize for trying to do something bad now you want a ride, you apologize but you don't tell me why you did this to me....He says, I will explain it all, I will pay you, if you take me, I dont' know what came over me, I said yes, I was compelled to know what about me makes people think that they can do things to me like this. I went, got caught in a snowstorm, wasn't were I was suppose to be, I called home and lied and said I made it when I hadn't. And yes you guessed it, he found out. Well no matter what I said, he hasn't belived me, it has been two years, he beat me in my kitchen and spit on me about 5 months ago, since I said that I was asleep when this man tried to do this to me, from feb-about april, he would lube himself up shove his penis into my anus, I have never done this before, and I would be so tired from the two jobs that I wouldn't know he had done these things. I would wake up sore, in pain, and finally one day he said to me well you were said you were sleeping so I wanted to know if you told the truth. I said why would do this to me, that is rape, I dont want you there. You did it for that man is his response. He keeps me up till 4-5 in the morning arguing with me. I have fibroids and polysystic ovaries, he goes in hisoffice watches his porn, and comes in my room and has sex with me, sleep or not, rough and hard, and tells me to take it. He calls me awhore in front of my kids, for the last two years we have talked about this incindent every day. He said he was doing the same to me but in january of this yr. On my daughter's birthday, he decided that he would go with a co worker and help her move, without tellling me. He had oral sex with her, spent the night with her, moved her house and missed my daughters birthday. The woman called me, said some nasty things and yep you guessed it, it is june, they still work together. And everyday, he tells me what a disappointment I am because I have pain while sex and I can't take him pounding me to death. He says he is a scorpio and that is what they do, and I am just a used up woman. So what made me write this is today, after being up latelast night with his talks again, I was at my desk, my boss askedme to take something over to another building, well I have been working hard to get in shape for medical reasons, so I took it as an opportunity to walk. So walked out of my building at 1 pm. And took the package across campus, then walked back, it was 1:27 when I heard a horn blow at me, it was him, he said I saw you. I said I had to go across campus, he said no I saw you get out of the neighbors car!!! Stunned, I said you did not, I am 5 paces from the front of my building he says get in, he speeds through the parking lot and we are on a goose chase for a man that I have never even spoken too. He says he sawmy hair in a car. I was never in a car. I have never cheated on this man, he abused me verbally and slapped the phone out of my hands when I begged him to call the receptionist in my building to confirm when I left my building because I asked her to walk with me. He says that he has sexual frustration at 30, I am not sexual enough for him, he is a scorpio and I am a used up woman becuase I belive sex for me should be emotional not some nasty crap you see in the porn. I am so depressed, I often think of leaving but not just going just ending this life, how much is a person suppose to take. He is the one who has slept with a hooker on mother's day, gone to strip bars, and I am allowed no friends, no life. I make a good amount of money a year and he says that since that incident in december of 03 I am not trusted and that I should not have access to money. So, when I took this new positon w my current company, he marched me in the bank, had me sign up for direct deposit and sign it over to his account. I get a 200 dollar by weekly allowance that he monitors through another account. Is this sex thing normal, is being treated this way normal. Why am I so afraid to leave. Please help me. I know that I was all over the place but I tried to get to the point.