Relationships! Kvetch! health forum And Resolve :) Advice Sharing Posted: 07-12-05 02:45am
Hello!
I am in a relationship of 10 months and I
find that everyday I am always getting
jealous and insulted about little things
that he doesn't say but I think he's
saying...
For ex: we will watch some film and he
will comment about how sexy the girl is,
than I will ask him if he wants a girl
like that or if he wants me to be like
that? He'll say no, but i'll feel like
crap in the end. Plus, before our
relationship was committed he saw this
other girl we'll name her "a" and he had
slept with her! All throughout our
relationship he said that he never slept
with her and he only admitted this a month
ago. (9 months later) so he's hid the
truth for so long only for "fear" of
hurting me, i've gotten over that part.
But I asked him 5,000,000 questions about
her build, her personality, her job,
etc... And she turns out to be the
kind've of girl I want to be... Why is
life like that???
Since 1 month he said that he's had random
dreams about her of just seeing her (they
shared a camping experience at the rainbow
and bonded - I met him at the end of the
rainbow) he tells me that he just wants to
see her again because they shared a bond
and that it's me he loves and he wants to
be with me. He also tells me that in the
beginning when we met he had a chance to
be with her or me - but that he chose to
be with me because i'm the one he loves
and i'm the kind've girl he wants in his
life. He might tell me all these things
but I can't help but feel inferior and
insecure whenever I think of her in my
head and i've never even met her - she's
only an image in my mind but I always feel
more crappy and more insecure and more
jealous... And bring her up to throw
"her" into his face again... It causes
unneccessary fights and I feel like I am
trying to start fights... What am I
missing here? Why am I doing this?
Advice? Thoughts?
What's the big message here?
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janeysuz
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Jun 2005 Posts: 79 Location: neworleans
Rainbow Posted: 07-12-05 06:40am
At the end of your rainbow you will a)
either overcome your insecurities
(unlikely) or b) capitulate and admit
defeat that his wet dreams over mystery
woman have done you in and therefore you
must go
if he wanted a real long term relationship
he wouldn't be inflicting permanent
damages, you will never be able to trus
that it's you he loves purely
i left a guy over this 5 years ago. He
had an ex girlfriend who was much younger
than he and even 5 years younger than me,
that bugged me there. I am petite, she
was tall, I have a cuter face, she has a
cuter butt, she could dance, I was just
learning...He used to brag about her
dancing and would say she was a health
forum with a tight bod...He dragged me to
her graduation and got mad at me that I
didn't want to use up my film on her!
Over time, though he backed off knowingit
all hurt me, it eroded everything, by the
time I left he professed true love to me
and said I had the end-all be all bod,
face, could dance almost as good as her,
just stick with me he said, but everytime
I even thought of her I just felt like
caca
and nothing else mattered, I wanted a
clean start with a guy who could love me
not make me feel like corn soup. As far
as i'm concerned he can go beat off and
think of her, maybe me, and keep his
stupid hairy ugly dog as his
companion...He had his glory days with
her, I never could believe i'd have ever
been anything as significant, such was her
myth built up, I think he liked to see me
squirm and be insecure...If I were you i'd
tell him you already cannot trust him he's
giving ambivalent mixed messages and if he
wants to keep you off balance, that's not
love that's controlling crap, and he
should also, go beat off and dream of
rainbow girl and his bond with her, or go
be with her...I think he's screwed the
basis of your relationship
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newroad
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jul 2005 Posts: 3
Kvetch... Posted: 07-13-05 15:36pm
Woah!
Thanks, I guess... Honestly, I think that
I am torturing myself by thinking about
her and comparing myself to her --- I
think it's another way I have to torture
myself plus I think that we will at times
have feelings for other people or think
about other people but it doesn't
necessarily mean we want them or will act
on those feelings.
Plus... It sounds like you are still
really really really angry at your ex and
harbor negativity for him. You are
allowed to be angry :twisted: but haven't
you ever asked yourself the why of the
bigger picture? Like I don't think it's
really true that anyone on this planet
earth is scum, nor do I think jealousy or
anger or hatred gets us anywhere when we
choose to develop it more and more. I
think it's possible to become less
insecure in life if you work at it, and by
doing that you'll attract more of what you
want in your life. I also think that it
is not fair that your ex compared you to
this girl - comparisons will always make
us feel shitty and like we are in
competition... It's better to accept that
we each have our own talents and qualities
which make us all unique (more peace of
mind thinking that way). I think it
would be wise for you to explore the past
and release yourself from that pain so you
can look at him in a lighter way - you can
ask yourself what's the bigger message as
to why he came into your life?
Right now, with my boyfriend I feel more
at ease because I know we love each other
and I know it's ok that he's not perfect
and that i'm not perfect. Insecurities
that pop up everyday need to be dealt with
head on - we are not a slave to our
thoughts or beliefs. Check out: www.Avatar.Com
it's hard in the moment and it's easy to
have a reactive tendency and operate from
a fear based, negative, controller belief
system but with time conditioning can be
broken and life can be more at ease.
Reality is all I have. And the reality is
he is with me and not with her. It is
only my thoughts that cause me suffering
because he hasn't really done anything
truly wrong to purposely hurt me. If
there comes a time where it becomes
obvious that he wants to be with someone
else I will feel it and I will go my
seperate ways but until then right now is
now "what will be".
Ciao,
newroad
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asdfjkl
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jul 2005 Posts: 41 Location: British Columbia
Posted: 07-14-05 23:00pm
My girlfriend thinks brad pitt is sexy. I
think jennifer aniston is sexy.. We both
know it but we never say or comment on
them out of respect for eachother. Just
because they are good looking does not
mean they're attractive. Theres alot more
to attractiveness than looks. I dont
think its nice when guys or girls comment
on the opposite sex in a way that makes
their partner feel insignificant.
