I Dont Know Who I Am

I am so sorry-- I think you really need to talk to a psycologist--or physciatrist. However you spell that.
God bless you--please find the help you need--jesus is a good start.
You know I was talking to my family the other day and I asked them, "do you know what I mean when I say, shut your emothions down--make yourself numb" none of them knew what I was talking about.
I am a recovering co-dependant. I always thought I had to have someone to take care of or I would have no value.
I have spent many years feeling like an alien in this world and only jesus could show me the way. I had to learn me, now I understand the rest of them, so it helps me to cope. It was harder when I did not understand them. But it defineately sounds like you don't want to understand your brother--sometimes knowing just how they feel is really scarey.

I dont know if this can help--but I know jesus can. Just call on him and he will answer you. All you have to do is speak his name--"jesus" and he will come on the scene right where you are.

Show her I pray.

Thank you for your precious reply.

Sadly I dont know where to find a psychologist..
I was seeing a counseler guy once a week for three months, but it was pretty disappointing.. He was hardly a pro.
I dont know what counseling really is, but I felt weird.
He got me wrong and thought I was a irrational lil kid who likes to have fun and escape from work. I'm not defending myself, but its not me.
He made me even more sicker.
I wish I were in america. I bet there are lots of good counselers over there.

I know how it feels like to shut emotions down..
I know my family members do not understand that too.
I am glad that you are recovering from this nightmere called codependency. I wish you a full recovery.
Thank you.

You have classic depression
if you can't see a psychologist/psychiatrist you have to work on this yourself
there's a great series of books by american psychologist Dr. Phil mcgraw...It's about dealing with past abuses, depression, making choices...Right now your choices are bad because you're so afraid of "doing" things you'd rather stay paralyzed
what your brother did was bad, and he victimized you because he feels bad about himself...Don't let anything bad happen to you any more but just feel sorry for him for being such a louse...
Have you tried saint john's wort? It worked so fast in me I couldn't believe it...It helps a little bit with a more positive outlook...
The trick dear, is to "win one"...Start very small, like "today i'm going to take good care of myself, brush my teeth, go for a walk, and not nap the entire day and research colleges"...Do that for a week, write a list, and cross things off, they're all little victories, then start taking some action towards a goal...You have to have a goal...You are so young, your brother is irrelevant in the long run, if you have to find a new family you can do so, do not let an abusive family ruin your entire life, go find a place and people where you can learn you're valuable...I don't know if you're a christian but church is a good place...Good luck and keep expressing yourself even in a stupid forum like this, every tidbit may help, and it's the writing that does good too...So keep a journal that's private under password

First of all, you are going to have to get away from your brother and mother. So if you are not working or going to school, you have to take steps to do so. And you have major depressive disorder(i'm pretty sure). Of course it just might be because of the abuse you took from your brother and not going to school or working. Church or god won't heal you so you gotta do something to help yourself. You are using sleeping as an escape when you should try to add or find something else. Exercise is a great release, not only because of the endorphins, but you will feel more fit. Even if you don't do anything else, if you work out you will feel like you accomplished something. Trust me, last year I didn't go to school, only worked part time at a&f and I was basically a total loser. But if I took my adderall, wellbutrin and worked out I at least said, I look and feel good. But it's also vital that you see someone about this. Even though I really don't talk to my psychiatrist and only really his nurse but just saying I feel better or yeah, the meds are working or they aren't, and I don't wanna kill myself or i'm having stupid problems with my girlfriend always seems to make me feel better. Maybe meds won't work for you but talking to someone always helps. And if you get medication for depression, it might work and you might find yourself feeling better, having more energy and etc... I wouldn't try any supplements because most don't work, cost too much and have had very little research done on long term use. You said your brain is getting numb, so i'd say eat more fish, drink green tea and eat so called brain foods. Diet can have a huge effect on moods. And honestly most people don't know who they really are. It's not a race and you're only 19. A lot of people are taking a year or two off from college who don't have to. But we're also the lost or doom generation... Hope what I have said helps.

You sound so much like me; its so weird. Growing up i've had so many identity issues and to this day I still battle with some of them. The fact that you have posted an s.O.S so to speak speaks volumes of your wanting to get better. Im not going to tell you what to do as everyones situation is as individual as they are. What I will suggest to you is this... Get in touch with your past. You cant know where youa are going if you dont know where you have come from. How is your relationship with your father? Your mother? Take from them what suits your idea of love and justice and use that as a road map to find yourself. The journey ultimately is up to you to find who you are. Trust in your good nature and you will ultimately trust in yourself. I wish you the best on your journey of self discovery. Find what it is that you love most; let that be your guiding light,your alarm clock in the morning.
Your passion is your fuel for the days that lie ahead. Keep on smiling sunshine.

I love lamp

Someone has chosen to use ebay as a venue to get help with their adderall addiction-encouraging creative energy. Photographs are really interesting. Looking to the community-ebay does reach such a large audience. Hmmm...Ideas generating in my mind. Any adderall users having troubles, check out this find:

http://cgi.Ebay.Com/ws/ebayisapi .Dll?Viewitem&item=5627626742&rd=1 &sspagename=strk%3amese%3ait&rd=1< /a>

britten

Hello,
i see you posted this quite some time ago, but I hope from then to now you have found help or have learned ways to help yourself.
I have suffered with anxiety and depression and irrational fears for years. I just recently began to feel better. I work as a teacher at a christian preschool. I found jesus there and that has made a tremendous change for me. I read devotions each morning and have been deepening my relationship with god. I talk to god all the time about everything and anything. I really think it would be helpful if you learned some of his word from the bible, if these are your beliefs.
Your life doesn't have to be a deep dark hole unless those are the results you choose to produce.
It sounds like you suffer from post traumatic stress disorder from childhood emotional abuse. Your brother sounds very mean and unsympathetic. Maybe you could go to a nearby bookstore and find some books on this.
I think if you started a journal and released feelings though writing too you may feel better. Just getting the emotions out is a relief and so much healthier than holding them in.
It is really really hard to come out of depression, but it if you make a promise to yourself that you refuse to live this way and you get up and even just start taking walks each day, you will feel better. It was hard for me, but I had two choices, live or die and I was not about to let my past or fears kill me. I have a purpose here and I need to fulfill it. Try and forgive your past and let it go. Move forwrd and start living for you and not for the little girl you were. Don't let your brother have control over your life anymore!!! You deserve to live and if you just pray about it open yourself to activities and events around you, you can and will pull out of this. Stay focused on the end results and not the situation you are in now. Good luck and may god bless you richly!

Hi Lady Don't Get upset try to overcome this problem by not interfering
in your brothers work and try to not induldge into any activity that can
make your brother abused to you .

2.To overcome this all the activity you have to raise your confidence first
by either standing to your on foot(I mean to say search some good job)
and spend your as much time there this can change his and your family outlook towards yourself.

3.You need not to go to any psychologist/psychiatrist it can make you feel sick only ,be patient and search someone who can involve and provide you emotional touch.

4.My overall motive to write this blog is to tell you the only problem which
you have to overcome is your inside fear that has created in you and that
can only be raised when you Earn something so i as a friend advised you
to search a job first .

alot of the problems you are speaking of are common to depression.ihave alot of those problems including loss of identity you were talking about.i think alot of people have these types of thoughts.i also think that we as depressed people are more aware so we think too much about our thoughts on these matters and then we get really freaked out about them.or at least i do.ihope you can get those bad thoughts out of your head.for example,you thought that your english wasnt good and that you were'nt making sense.but i thought you made perfect sense and that your words read like poetry and were beautifully written.

Hi, just wanted to tell you that you are not alone there. All that you have written seems like my thouhts which i cant really express to written words because sometimes its all just too confusing and messy....
I would like someone to explain, why we feeling that way (or not feeling anything at all) and what can we do to feel alife human beings instead of freekish aliens. But sadly no one seems to know the answer.
Good luck for you though, write from time to time how you are doing.