Joined: 31 Jul 2005 Posts: 13 Location: upstate NY, Boston also
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I Need Some Help Posted: 07-31-05 12:35pm
Hi. I am a 19 yr old male (turning 20 in
feb 2006). My interests, besides finding
a beautiful girl someday, include red sox
baseball, track, and winter. I'm also an
engineering student. That goes for my
introduction.
I, just like lots of other male teens,
look at porno (not too much tho). Also, I
used to be one of those ppl who could look
at something really disgusting and not
feel any effect at all, which was great.
So one day, in november 2003, I decided to
look at gay porno for once, just to see if
it would really disgust me or not. I
looked, and immediately, nothing happened.
But over the following couple days, it
made me feeling really insecure about my
sexuality. This was a feeling i've never
had before. Over the next 9 or so months,
this insecuity consumed my thoughts for
the most part (i still found interst in
things sometimes). After about 9 months,
I started feeling secure about being
straight, but the insecurity started
spreading to about everything I can think
of. Now, almost two years after that
incident, I feel insecure about everything
I like. Even to my appearance insecurity
comes up. I have kind of long hair, and
when I think about how i'm trying to keep
long hair because my favorite actors have
long hair, I think how long hair is
feminine, and that ruins the whole
thought. It also plagues my
subconscience. That's just one example of
insecurity I deal with. There was another
one I used to have a few months ago. This
one came up whenever I fantasized about
women. A quick thought about how women
change men and how I wouldn't like that.
Now I can quickly prove my insecurity to
be incorrect, but as soon as I go back to
fantasizing, it comes up again, and it
thus plagues me. I have a bunch of them
like that, and I seriouly cannot take it
anymore. One positive thing is that it
doesn't effect my work at all. So on the
surface I still seem normal-i still run
track, do all my harsh coursework as an
electrical engineering major, and during
the summer, still wake up early 4-5 days a
week to workout with the high school
football players, and watch the red sox.
But one the inside, these insecurities eat
me up and make life feel so empty, hollow
and shallow. Please help.
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sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4581
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Posted: 07-31-05 15:24pm
Have you talked to a professional about
this, that would be my suggestion and
there is nothing to be ashamed of this, we
all need a little help sometime in our
lives.
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wearymachine
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Jul 2005 Posts: 13 Location: upstate NY, Boston also
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Posted: 07-31-05 16:33pm
No, I haven't. Would I talk to a
psychiatrist?
Another thing is that the insecurity
feeling feels like mood swings in that
somedays I feel normal and other days I
feel like my mind is vulnerable to all
sorts of attacks.
Thanks for your reply. :d
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Staylor
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jun 2005 Posts: 93
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I Think... Posted: 07-31-05 16:46pm
I think that you would start by seeing a
therapist or counselor... You should have
a counseling center on campus... Try that
out!
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wearymachine
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Jul 2005 Posts: 13 Location: upstate NY, Boston also
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