How Do I Know If I Should Stay In My Marriage?

I have had this feeling for a long time that something in my relationship is amiss. We have been married for 11 years now and like many marriages we never expected to to be easy all the time. However for a number of years now things have been progressively worsening. Last year she threataened to leave and I talked her out of it (it was over something my mother did). This is not the first time either. Over the past 11 years she has threatened to leave once before and told me I can leave if I want to on two occasions.

Major changes started when I lost my job six years ago and didn't work for 18 months. I started to get the feeling that she resented me being at home all day, regardless of the fact that I would rather have been working, I kept house wrote endless job applications went to endless interviews and was turned down again and again (i eventually go a job throught an old friend doing a favour).

Then, as is the case now, my wife withdrew from me, I am not too sure that she loves me in the same way as when we got married. These days I have to be very careful.


I feel like I have to account for every moment of my time. - she would call me up during the day and check up on me. Tell me to do things. And then start an argument if I do not or refuse. She wants to know where I am at all times. I cannot deviate from my schedule i.E. Work-home by 6.30pm. If I do, then she gets upset and tells me that I am being inconsiderate.


I feel like I have to account for all my spending. - for some reason, I use the joint account for all my banking and she has her own account. This means she not only spends her own money, but she spends mine too! And then doesn't understand why the account is overdrawn each month.

My wife puts me down. She finds any opportunity to criticize me. - this is subtle as she only does it when we are alone. She has the last say in all discussions. And all her decisions are justified. Money, kids... You name it. She does not consider my viewpoint to be valid. I do not know how to bring up chldren. I do not know the best way to clean something. I have to be told, in detail, how to do anything regardless of whether I have done it countless times before or was the one who showed her how to do it in the first place.


I feel like I can't do anything right in my wife's eyes. - if something is amiss - she can find reason to turn it into my fault. My worst time is buying things for my wife as I know they will not meet her approval. Her xmas presents are still unused in the closet. Her birthday present - jewellry - was worn for a month and never again. If we go out, she tells me to choose a venue to eat and then criticizes my choice.


I am blamed for just about everything that goes wrong. - if she feels that she has been wronged, she insists on an immediate apology. Even then it is not normally immediately accepted; until she has laboured the point long enough to feel satisfied that she is justified in her position. However if she has done wrong, she will not immediately accept it as her fault and rarely gives an apology. I try to communicate rationally only to be ignored, belittled or not even heard.


Over the years my friends have fallen away. Our close friends are her friends only. She has donee this throught selective criticism, and dislike at one point or another to the point where we were not invited or included in my friends activites. If we were she would make it as difficult as possible to be an enjouyable event. Now it is the turn of my family. If I speak to any of my family, my wife wants to know exactly what I told them. She has become suspicious of nearly everyone except my dad. I cannot visit my mum anymore without my wife throwing a tantrum. I hardly ever call my mum now and she will not phone the house. Basically my wife has effectively cut me off from my mum.

Any sort of intimacy is very rare. I feel like I have to catch her off guard. Whyen we sleep she curls up on the opposite side of the bed and falls asleep with her back to me. Basic kisses, no cuddles, no touching, and certainly no sex. Last year, my wife said that if I lost weight, then our sex life would improve. I lost 18kg. I am now lighter than when we got married. She didn't acknowledge that until her friends mentioned it and I think became jealous at their responses. Now she wants me to do stomach exercises to get 'abs' before we have sex. I have never had 'abs'!!

I do not want to go anywhere with my wife anymore - she just makes it a painful exerience. I dread coming home from work. If I take the kids to bed at 8.30pm I stay there in the dark -feigning sleep. If its my wife's turn, I relish the thought of being on my own for the evening. Weekends are torture. I prefer it if she is busy doing her own thing and I look after the kids or she takes the kids and I go and garden.

I have thought about marriage counselling. We tried it before but it did not work - she turned it into my issues. I thought about sitting her down and talking about these issues, but she would again make it my problem for being uncommunicative, when she does not provide an environment for wanting to be communicative. Her opinion is right, it is the only worthwhile opinion. She is always right. She compares me to any loser that we may know depending on the problem: procrastination - her father, bad father - her friend's ex husband, the list goes on.

I feel victimised and used. My wife has me by my values. She knows I would find it difficult to leave because of the children. I came from a divorced family and didnt want to subject the same thing to my kids, so have stuck it out this long. But is it best to stick out a bad marriage because of them - what will it do to me? Now I am starting to question my motives.

I have the opportunity to get a better job in another city. But my wife is refusing to move. The offer is still open but she stalls, makes rediculous demands saying that if the guy wants me that bad he'll do better. I have been looking for another job of 2 years where we currently live and I keep getting turned down. I don't know if it is my age or what. This is the only decent offer I have had.


Help me. What do I do now? I cannot afford counselling. I would appreciate someone elses experience on this.