Bipolar Disorder Forum - My Husband Is Bi-polar - Any Spousal Support Out There??


My Husband Is Bi-polar - Any Spousal Support Out There??

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cll92

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My Husband Is Bi-polar - Any Spousal Support Out There?? Posted: 08-25-05 06:40am


My husband of 14 years is newly diagnosed with bi polar disorder. We are in the process of starting a mood stabilizer. We have three young kids. I love him and am of course going to stand by him and support him, but on "off days" he is so horrible that I just want to run away from him (he is verbally & emotionally horrible - not physically) I try to remember his is in a "down" cycle and not hold it against him or be testy with him when he is done - as he usually suddenly is over whatever it is that I did that he thinks he is so mad about and then can get annoyed if I am unpset about it...I want to be supportive but between him and my three kids I am exhausted dealing with this and feel so stressed and stuck....I will take any advise - please, are there any spouses of bi-polar disorder people out there who might have some advise or suggestions - I want to be there for him and help him but I am starting to lose it.... Thanks - I appreciate any and all help!

kkhmorse

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Regarding Your Question Posted: 08-25-05 19:44pm


Try your local csb and ask for case management services and ask about wami. I think that is how you spell it. There is support available. It is a good program and I believe it is free. Check it out

BPjoe23

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Posted: 10-11-05 19:31pm


How about trying dbsa(depression and bipolar support allience) they have meetings for people with bipolar disorder but they also have meeting for family,friends, and boyfriend/girlfriends. There's also nami(national allience for the mentally ill, but want to change the name to national allience of mental illnesses) . Both have great groups.

melanalyus

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Hi there Posted: 01-24-08 23:57pm


I am a wife of a bipolar man. We have been married 16 years and have 3 kids. I'd love to share stories.

puzzld

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Posted: 01-25-08 08:31am


many many spousal support on this forum for you. give it a bit of time and people will respond. hang in there.

Trish219

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Spouse Posted: 02-04-08 21:58pm


My husband of 5 years has BPD and I need some support. We have two young kids and I feel like I am doing everything. Any stressors set off his moods and he seems so disconnected from everything and everyone. I have spent a lot of today looking at posts from other spouses of those who suffer with this disease and I have just cried. I am not the only one. I can't tell you how reassuring it is to hear about others going through the same thing. I sometimes don't know if I am doing the right things...or staying married for the wrong reasons. I do love him, and when things are "good" with his moods, we get along pretty well and have a good time together, but when things are bad, they are BAD... I can't seem to get over the dishonesty. Does anyone else struggle with trust issues? That is my biggest thing... that and his "disconnectedness". Sometimes he is there, but not really THERE, if you know what I mean. When he is "off" he can be mean and horrible (verbally) and then when HE feels better, he acts as if nothing has happened. When I bring it up, he gets angry and frustrated with me... I just don't understand, according to him. Well, anyway, thanks for letting me ramble.

Junebug77

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Hey Trish Posted: 02-04-08 23:58pm


Girl, you should read my blog, "My husband left..." I won't retype everything in this topic. I don't know what you should do. Personally, I have tried to make it work. It was a blessing that my husband left me, because I don't know if I would have had the strength to make him leave, or to actually leave him. My husband's dishonesty is pretty much what "broke the camel's back." He lies about everything...it doesn't matter what it is, big or small. He can' tell the truth. He said it is because I will get mad at him if he tells me the truth. If that's true, then maybe he shouldn't be doing whatever it is he is lying about. I cannot tolerate his verbal abuse. It is not fair to me or my children. And you don't have to put up with either. He can't expect you to forget about. My husband does that same thing. He says I am "dwelling on the past." I am at the point where I want to be a good mother and take care of myself too. I can't do that with him. He makes it too hard. I can't take care of him too. I've done it for too long and it has eaten away at me. If he can't help himself first and foremost, then there is nothing I can do either. By the way, my husband totally denies that he even has BPD...EVEN WORSE!! Ramble away, sometimes you just have to get it out. This forum has been great for me. I have learned a lot and received a TON of support.

fatherof2

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cheating wife Posted: 02-06-08 11:29am


my wife is bi-polar and slept with another man and if i bring it up about the way it makes me feel she gets mad as hell and turns it around and makes me feel guilty?????????????

melanalyus

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infidelity Posted: 02-06-08 19:31pm


Infidelity is a definite reason for divorce. DH KNOWS that I will NEVER get past that,... and that is that!

BoneyardDiva

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Posted: 02-06-08 21:34pm


Wow, june & Trish, from one spouse of a bipolar person to another...we really have a hard time! My husband has been in & out of hospitals about 4x since we met in 2001. It's always hard on the sufferer of the disorder, but I don't think there is enough support out there for significant others either. Hubby & I fight about money (of course!) or we don't discuss it at all. I always feel that if I get angry with him, that he'll shut down completely & that he'll shut me out entirely. (This has happened before) We're looking at marriage counselors now. Here's hoping this helps. BYD

bakin_april

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Posted: 02-10-08 22:02pm


My husband took a free course offered by NAMI about living with a loved one with mental illness. It's been a few years ago. Back then it was called Family to Family, it may go by the same name. Their site is www.nami..org He said it was like a light bulb went off, he got so much information that fit our situation completely. It really clued him in on mental illness and thus helped us both. Best wishes

newbride807

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Recently Married Posted: 02-23-08 16:22pm


I think my husband suffers from bipolar disorder but has not been diagnosed. We were married just the end of last summer and he recently left me (a couple of weeks short of our 6 month anniversary). I think he left me and is living with another woman who he was apparently cheating with. I've known him for a very long time. We were friends for 3 years before we even started dating which was for about 5 years. I didn't think we would only be married 5 months. I love him and I still do. I want to help him get help but I don't even know where he's living and he won't even communicate with me except for a weekly email. Is cheating a part of this illness? I don't even know what's true any more because there has been so many stories and lies.

bakin_april

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Re: Recently Married
Posted: 02-23-08 17:05pm

newbride807 wrote:

I think my husband suffers from bipolar disorder but has not been diagnosed. We were married just the end of last summer and he recently left me (a couple of weeks short of our 6 month anniversary). I think he left me and is living with another woman who he was apparently cheating with. I've known him for a very long time. We were friends for 3 years before we even started dating which was for about 5 years. I didn't think we would only be married 5 months. I love him and I still do. I want to help him get help but I don't even know where he's living and he won't even communicate with me except for a weekly email. Is cheating a part of this illness? I don't even know what's true any more because there has been so many stories and lies.

Some people engage in wreckless behavior during a manic phase. It's pretty common, but I'd say it takes the shape of a different behavior for each person. It could be drugs, alchocol, gambling, spending too much, sex, etc. I suggested NAMI . org above, it would be a good resource for you. Be sure to take care of YOU during this time of stress and maintain healthy boundaries. You can PM me if you want. I'll be thinking of you.

wendylady

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Spouse Posted: 03-06-08 13:54pm


Thank Goodness someone else feels the same way! The dishonestly is what really breaks my heart! He has also tried to self medicate and in the process drained our bank account so many times that we are in the process of forecloseure, and I am starting to shut down. I just feel like things are spinning out of my control because he has me feeling like I am the one with BP. The constant verbal attacks and emotional detachment has me at a loss. I don't want a divorce but I feel like he is trying to push me towards it so again he wouldn't have to be blamed or assume the responibility.

lw61

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Posted: 03-06-08 20:55pm


My husband was diagnosed with bipolar a few years ago, it's been hard. Initially, it was like he had a free pass to be a jerk. I brought to his attention that he acted better before he was diagnosed and medicated, and I can tell when it's really bipolar or he's being a jerk, and I wouldn' tollerate anything other than bipolar. When he has one of his "fits" I try to keep in mind that he didn't choose to have this, and he tollerates my disability...most of the time. About a week ago it was worse than it's ever been. He was throwing me around, choking me and saying he was to kill me. I am in wheelchair most of the time and way too weak to fight him off. When he said I'm getting the gun, I felt that the only choice I had was to call the police. I was so glad my kids were gone for the night. He spent a couple of nights in jail, which was the tune up he needed. I can't help thinking about divorce after that...despite the fact that he has a disability, time will tell. He mentioned trying to get his gun back, I told him go ahead, but the he and the gun would not be staying in this house. I did find out that he stopped taking his meds because money is so tight. You aren't supposed to just stop taking an anti psycicotic, it can cause violent side affects. Bipolar is a horrible disability, I'd much rather deal with all of my pain.

lw61

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Posted: 03-06-08 21:04pm


My husband was diagnosed with bipolar a few years ago, it's been hard. Initially, it was like he had a free pass to be a jerk. I brought to his attention that he acted better before he was diagnosed and medicated, and I can tell when it's really bipolar or he's being a jerk, and I wouldn' tollerate anything other than bipolar. When he has one of his "fits" I try to keep in mind that he didn't choose to have this, and he tollerates my disability...most of the time. About a week ago it was worse than it's ever been. He was throwing me around, choking me and saying he was to kill me. I am in wheelchair most of the time and way too weak to fight him off. When he said I'm getting the gun, I felt that the only choice I had was to call the police. I was so glad my kids were gone for the night. He spent a couple of nights in jail, which was the tune up he needed. I can't help thinking about divorce after that...despite the fact that he has a disability, time will tell. He mentioned trying to get his gun back, I told him go ahead, but the he and the gun would not be staying in this house. I did find out that he stopped taking his meds because money is so tight. You aren't supposed to just stop taking an anti psycicotic, it can cause violent side affects. Bipolar is a horrible disability, I'd much rather deal with all of my pain.

wendylady

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lw61 Posted: 03-07-08 07:22am


Bi polar shouldn't be a free pass for violence either. You need to take care of yourself first and formost, otherwise how can you even try and take care of anyone else, including your children?

CarolDiane

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Posted: 03-07-08 09:10am


Finding out that you are Bipolar is not an easy thing to handle. We all tend to think it is the end of our lives and the way we are able to live in it. But it is not. If you love him then stand by him. The more you learn and research the disorder, the better you will be able to help him. He also needs to be able to understand the disorder and how to cope with the manic part and how to deal with his everyday life. Somehow we all have to do that. Needless to say, for a new diagnosed person, it is not an easy thing. But, just like everything else, life goes on and it can be dealt with. Carrie

newbride807

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How do you get someone to realize they need help? Posted: 03-07-08 21:33pm


I believe my husband is suffering from bipolar disorder and is in denial. His family tried to warn him he needed help and when they weren't able to get through to him, they tried through me. I knew he was depressed but now, it's been 7 weeks since he left me; I never thought it would lead to this. I talked to him for the first time on the phone a few nights ago, the first time in 6 weeks. He said he started seeing a psychiatrist and he was sarcastic to me saying that she hadn't prescribed anything to kind of throw it in my face there's nothing wrong with him. Just talking to him I know he is just as bad as when he left the way he is twisting things and not really answering any questions directly. He's angry at the world that he is the victim and no one understands. He said he's tired of everyone making it about them and that he was tired of taking care of everybody. I'm pretty sure he's lying that he's seeing a psychiatrist. We ended the call pretty badly to the point where he hung up on me. Now I don't think I'll ever hear from him again except if I file for divorce. It will be 8 weeks next Friday that he's been gone and I feel like this has now been too emotionally abusive to me. Especially since I think he's living with a woman that he cheated on me with. My mind is saying to run, but my heart hasn't completely followed yet. It just seems so surreal, like I'm watching this movie, but it's turning out to be my life. I had no clue that morning I went to work would be the last I ever saw of him. He left while I was at work.

crystalsue

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Newbride Posted: 03-08-08 17:06pm


Reading your post sounds like a page out of my life. My husband of 10 years is bipolar and is on medication, but not under the care of a psychiatrist or therapist at the moment (med dr is prescribing the pills). When we first married, he had not yet been diagnosed and I immediately noticed that something wasn't right and all the arguing, betrayal, and lies began. Well, after about 6 months, he just up and left. No notice or anything. We worked through that episode and he sought psychiatric help. Diagnosis was made and he was put on meds. The episodes have never stopped. We have been through tons of therapists and doctors. Twice I have come home to an empty house where he has left me and not even said a word. Like you, I had no clue he was planning on leaving. That is extremely painful and I'm so sorry you had to experience that. He has filed for divorce 3 times. He has gone from being very successful career wise to working an entry level position. His behavior is simply unbearable at times plus it's been physically dangerous to me. We are now in the process of another cycle (right before spring has been a pattern) and we are splitting up once again. Unfortunately for him, this time it's for good. This came right after a pleasant vacation. The very next day actually. We had plans of moving. Big plans! I heard I love you that morning, then I hate you that night. If I could tell all the details your head would spin! Although, I wanted to stick by him, I think I have had more than enough. I simply can't do it anymore. It is not healthy and it's taking it's toll. Not everyone is affected in the same manner and not every situation is the same. I hope you can get your husband the help he needs. I would just hate for anyone to have to live their lives the way I have for the past 10 years. I always had hope, but now I feel like a fool. Take care of YOU first.