My Life Is Being Ruined By the Way I Live...

My name is amanda and I am 16 years old. I have been bulimic for about a year now. I used to keep track because I was only planning on doing it until I was happier with myself. But little did I know that being bulimic has only made me even more self concious.

My sister and I have always been chubby, mostly because my dad passed away when I was in the 5th grade and it was hard for all of us (me, my sister, mom and brother). We all lost our good eating habits and didn't pay attention because we were just eating for comfort. Well my sister was diagnosed with diabetes not too long after my dad passed away and she lost quite a bit of weight. I have always wished I had diabetes so I could lose some weight no matter how much I saw that she struggled with the disease itself. I hated being the fatter one but it never really bothered me to the extreme as it does now.

It was never hard for me to make friends, I had a lot but I chatted online a lot and I would take pictures on there that made me look "thinner than I actually was". This one guy named mikey, saw them and thought I was "hot" so he asked me to go with him to the movies. We went and he was so nice to me at the movies but when I got home and talked to him online he said I was ugly and fat and needed to get new pictures. That pushed me over the edge and I began to cry myself to sleep every night and I was so unhappy. I also began to work out a lot and eat less. I started out weighing 155 lbs and after all my working out and eating less I weighed about 135lbs. I never considered being bulimic ever, but just eating less and working out was taking too long. So I began to vomit my regular meals. At this point, its out of control and I binge until there is no more room in my stomach and I purge it all out.

Now, I am in 11th grade, 16 yrs old, 5'3 and I weigh 112lbs. I am typing this right now, with a belly full of food, I am so full that I can hardly breathe. I am devastated because I have tried to vomit a few times but nothing will come out. I hate it when this happens because it gives my body enough time to hold on to a lot of the food I ate and then it takes me a while to get back down to 112lbs or less. I am aiming for 105lbs now, but my original weight goal was 125lbs when I first started all of this and I have gone beyond that so I don't think I will ever be satisfied.

My sister and mom found out I was doing this when I was in my 3rd month. They tried to help me and I kept telling them that I don't do it anymore and I think they believe me or want to believe me. I'm sure they have their doubts but everyone does, you can never meet anyone without doubts all you can do is try to persuade them to think otherwise. My boyfriend has suffered from this too. I love him so much but I can't tell him I am or "ever was" bulimic. Its something I don't want him to know. I get in bad moods sometimes though and often our plans are ruined because he calls me and I say "no, I was about to hop in the shower" which is code for I need to throw up, but he doesnt know that. So he gets upset cause he can't see me.

I am angry when I don't eat and I am angry when I am finished eating because I know I will have to vomit afterwards, and I also know that I will just be hungry again. I am never satisfied as far as eating so I am pretty much in a bad mood all the time. I am good at hiding my feelings though so no ones knows what I am going through and they think I have just been working out to be "so skinny". I hate vomiting because its gross and it takes too long and its just the whole process I go through. I wear bandaids on the tips of my pointer and middle finger and I shove them down my throat and move them around vigorously so it will come up quicker. My throat bleeds constantly because I rub too hard or cut it with my nails. But I don't care I just keep on going. It also takes me long because I like to vomit until I can taste only the stomach acid because then I know that I got a good bit of the food I just ate or all of it. I can hardly taste some things also, but that doesn't stop me from eating either. I have thought about suicide but am too affraid to go through with it.

I know I am smarter than all of this and I have looked up stuff on the internet about it and read all the symptoms I have and wish I could stop and fear I will drop dead from a heart attack after running in p.E. But sometimes I wish that I would drop dead already because this is just too much work to keep up. I don't remember the last time I had a meal and didn't throw it up.

Ultimately, I am glad I found this forum website because I am looking forward to being able to share my thoughts and vent about this 'literally' disgusting and over powering disease. Hopefully get some advice or just be able to talk to people about it.

<3 mandy