I know this guy online since march, he
lives in another country, different from
mine. During april, he came to my country
on a business trip. We contact each other
daily through emails, phonecalls. He says
he like me alot and want to work on
things. I have feelings for him too. In
fact, I had fallen for him.
He has purchase 2 airtickets for me, on in
august, one in november to see him and
have a holiday.
Things start to turn sour since june. I
don't know whether its his work load, or
he like someone else, or its because i'm
starting to fall for him. I don't know is
it that he's scare of committements or
don't want to go any further than this.
I had purchase airticket to see him in oct
to celebrate his birthday before things
turn sour.
Now he's avoiding me like disease. I
can't confirm 100% but it really feels
like he's avoiding me. He doesn't reply
my sms or emails or calls anymore. He
doesn't call me or send me sms anymore.
The emails just get lesser and shorter in
content, all he says is his work. He used
to answer my calls but now he says he's
avoiding all his international work calls,
and cos when I ring him, its unlisted, so
he avoided it as well.
When I visited him in august, things
already start to feel strange, the
closness is not there anymore, and he
stays very far away from me physcially,
the distance between us can fit an
elephant. I asked him whether he still
likes me, and he said yes, or else, he
wouldn't have ask me to go over. He said
he could have asked me to stay in my
country.
Despite all his words, I felt that the
action just don't matched. From this
trip....Things just start to turn very
sour. There's no calls, no text. And 1
email per 1-2 days.
I felt that if I really mean the same to
him, he would have still email me or send
me text, and definately return my calls
once he hear his voicmail.
Its only another 1 month to my departure
date. I'm in a delima whether I should go
or not. There is no refund to the ticket,
its either I go or forsake $800 bucks.
If I don't go, I lose the money, and I
wont know what's happening between us.
If I go,i'm afraid that he wont pick me up
at the airport and i'm stranded there.
(remember I can't contact him at all, its
been like this for 1 week)
if he picks me up, i'm afriad that I will
just ruin his birthday.
If I ask him to choose, i'm afraid that he
will just ask me not to go. I'm really
scared.
I know from now till my departure date is
1month, and many things can happen during
this 1 month. Things can get better or
get worse. Maybe I had wrong him, maybe
its really because of stress during work
and lack of time. After all, different
people hand things differently.
But my instinct tells me i'm right. I'm
worried that if for these 30days, I can't
even contact him at all, is it extremely
stupid of me just to turn up at the
airport? Or at his house?
Please tell me what I should do. I'm
really confused, worried and
heartbroken.
Since you can't get your money back, you
could put all your chances to you. I
suggest you to go there, but with a close
friend of yours (female is better I
guess), and make it like a normal vacation
in this country. Just, not alone ! If
you're alone please do not go !
Anyway, if you find a friend (but you must
warn him/her about the situation) for
going too, it's like you're not there only
for seeing this guy you're talking about
and you'll feel less stressed or scared.
Go there for maybe a week or weekend or
so.
Eventually you call him saying you are on
vacation nearby his home (tell him you're
with your family or so, something like you
couldn't choose) and if he wants to, you
could drop over easily.
I'm a guy and in my opinion he's just
being polite with sending e-mails, but
he's not interested in anything special
with you anymore. He does like you,
thinks you're friendly, etc but it is just
too difficult to manage and prefers to let
all this go.
I hope this will help you.
|
heartbroke
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Aug 2005 Posts: 17
Actions Which I Don't Understand Posted: 09-05-05 19:51pm
Hi, thank you for telling me from a guy
point of view. Perhapes you can enlighten
me with my questions.
If he doesn't like me why spend money to
purchase not one, but 2 tickets for me to
fly over. I know he doesn't have to pay
much because he use his flyer points to
redeem, but these has always been used for
his best mates coming to see him during
christmas or birthdays. Why use it on me
this time round, if he doens't like me
does men really get irritated when woman
get too close to them, do they need to get
away for a while?
If he doesn't like me anymore, why can't
have the courage to say it out, why choose
to avoid and make things worse. I would
much rather want honesty, and we had
already agree upon that for a relationship
to work, trust and honesty is important,
since he agree on that, I believe he
belives in honesty too. But why can't he
be honest?
I don't know whether he has his own reason
for all his actions lately, avoiding me,
but its like the law.....Is it guilty
until proven innocent or innocent until
proven guilty?
Oh okay. Sorry I misunderstood a little..
I thought *you* paid those tickets.
Well then you should think about yourself
and not worry about what it cost to him.
It would be sad that you go to an alone
and stressed up vacation just for the sake
of some cash. It was his responsibility
to buy those tickets. It's not your fault
if they aren't used. If he wasn't aware
that somebody *could* change mind and
refuse plane tickets then he did a really
dumb move.
But if you really really want to go but by
knowing it safely, you may simply try to
contact him but by putting responsibility
on him. Let me explain.
I suppose he will check his e-mails until
the date you're supposed to go.
Send him an e-mail, and just ask him to be
precise like "what time do you pick me up?
Where do I go? What should I wear? I
can't remember your house" -- whatever,
such concrete things which (tell him
that:) he must answer because else you
won't be able to get there.
From that very point he_will_have to
answer and organize this. If he doesn't
reply until that last ticket day, then you
may conclude that he doesn't want you to
come over for some reason.
Maybe he found someone else nearby his
house? That's possible. I mean i'm sure
he does like you, but that would be a
little like introducing your ex to your
new wife, you see? Or who knows, maybe he
can't celebrate his birthday at home?
Maybe he goes celebrating it to hawaii,
but that's something he can't afford to
every single friend he has.
And yeah men don't like long-distance or
"weird" relationships. They need someone
that physically can be there, to hug,
kiss; and also introduce to frends &
family, going out, etc.
And men are really embarassed when they
did something stupid -- like buying plane
tickets with the risk of refusal. Men
prefer to shut up about it and let it go
than to talk about it.
I suppose he was really fully into you for
a while and bought you tickets in that
puppylove perdiod, but since then time
passed by and things change.. A guy can't
keep the same feeling for the same person
as long as a girl can. That's why mostly
it's the guy the problem in relationships
(whoever reads this, if you're a guy,
please don't kid yourself trying to defend
yourself. For 90% it's true so if you're
an exception i'm happy for you but no
comments)
i'm sure that even if you see each other
some day, it just won't be the same.
Friendly, smiling, but nothing
spectacular. Many things happen in a few
months, really.
(whew, I wrote a lot. Sorry for that :-p)
|
heartbroke
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Aug 2005 Posts: 17
Posted: 09-07-05 08:11am
Hi s_kalb,
i think you really misunderstand. I paid
for the tickets in sep. He paid for the
tickets in august and oct.
From what you had said. I felt that
things are very unfair to me. Yes I know
many things in life is not fair. But this
is just social manners and
responsibilites. Why hide and avoid? Why
not just face it like a man and get over
with it? If what you said it true, then
every men cheats in a marriage, they can't
love their wife that long.
He said that getting the tickets is a way
of showing some form of committment
because he knows that he doesn't have the
luxury of time for himself or for anyone
else.
I know he doesn't feel for me anymore...I
don't blame him. Feelings do change. But
I don't accept that he has to avoid and
hide. Its just not mature.
|
fatfamily02
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jul 2005 Posts: 3050 Location: Georgia, USA
He Will Never Be True to You, Never Give All of Himself!!!! Posted: 09-07-05 08:52am
My husband from the very beginning has
never been true to me about any of his
words. Never and it leaves me feeling
lost. He would rather talk me down all
the time to my children rather than be a
man and tell me how he feels. Then when
he does tell me hes trying to break my
neck and how do I listen then, angrily
just like he is being. All I ever wanted
was a straight answer about anything---
leaves me feeling betrayed and abused.
My kids need to see his love for me, to
respect him(he has to respect me)not just
hearing all the shyt talking that they get
from him. He dont trust me, never given
him reason, he never respects me, nver
give him reason, never does anything I ask
him, but trys to force me to do the things
for him that he wants, I would do anything
he asks, I trust him, I believe in him, I
respect him. I wuld do anything for him.
I told him from the beginning do not do
anything for me you do not want to do.
But he does this stuff feeling he dont
have, and feels resentful to me.
My whole point is my whole relationship
has been not true. I give all and he
resents all thinking I dont give all.
Leaving him to not give himself at all.
It has been horrible. I want someone who
understands me and my kids and loves us
cuz they know the good things we possess,
instead I have someone who thinks I am as
ugly as he is and treats me accordingly.
He gets these toughts in his head about me
and my kids, and will not let them go,
eventhough we prove it to him
everyday--that what he believes is not
true about us.
So my end reasoning is if he will not be
direct with you and talk to you you can
end up like me. Giving all taking none,
and being taken from and not getting
anything back. All because he believes
what he wants to believe, no matter what
we do to prove ourselves to him.
You know, some people are still immature @
45 years. I know a woman who hates me
(the mother of my gf). She says i'm not a
guy for her (daughter), that I am on
drugs, that I am impolite, etc. While she
saw me all in all maybe 10 mins in her
life, time to say "hi" and "bye" (and I am
always very kind and neutral with
strangers. No jokes and no offense.) and
she says I am a hypocrit. She says that,
behind my back.... (that's the definition
of hypocriticism actually)
and *i do* accept to talk to her and make
things clear, to show her I am a good guy
and I really love her daughter and will
never ever hurt her, because I never hurt
people... No, she refuses to talk to me
because I am a liar she says. Damn it,
she won't even give me a chance! I think
she is aware that what she does is wrong
and that if she ever contacts me, she
*will_have_to* admit she's wrong... And
such people just hate that. I don't want
to make fun of her, I just want her to
have a good image of me! But she doesn't
want this to happen else this would proof
her wrong about what she thought.
My point is: some actions seem really
childish and disappointing, but some
people are like that, thay are too proud
to admit they're wrong, and they are not
able to change. With hide and avoid, you
don't have to proof you are wrong. People
who are immature are not able to proof
they're wrong. It's like loosing your
face. They don't want this to happen.
As a conclusion I think you should do the
same as he does and not contacting him
anymore. And anyway, such a relationship
is too difficult unless you are
millionair.. I'm sorry but I don't want
you to have a disillusion or a
dissapointment. It's better for you to
let him go away as he chose for it
apparently.
But tell us if he replies. Maybe we are
completely wrong and he had internet
connectivity issues. But the chances that
it is the case are small I think.. :-)
ps: @ fatfamily02. I hope you are ok to
handle this. I would have get mad like
crazy and kicked him out.. But it's
difficult when you love your husband...
Be srtong and ask for help if he's
overreacting.
|
heartbroke
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Aug 2005 Posts: 17
Re: He Will Never Be True to You, Never Give All of Himself! Posted: 09-08-05 07:10am
I'm very sorry to ask this...Then why do
you marry him?
fatfamily02
wrote:
my husband from the very
beginning has never been true to me about
any of his words. Never and it leaves
me feeling lost. He would rather talk
me down all the time to my children rather
than be a man and tell me how he feels.
Then when he does tell me hes trying to
break my neck and how do I listen then,
angrily just like he is being. All I
ever wanted was a straight answer about
anything--- leaves me feeling betrayed
and abused. My kids need to see his
love for me, to respect him(he has to
respect me)not just hearing all the shyt
talking that they get from him. He dont
trust me, never given him reason, he never
respects me, nver give him reason, never
does anything I ask him, but trys to force
me to do the things for him that he wants,
I would do anything he asks, I trust him,
I believe in him, I respect him. I wuld
do anything for him. I told him from
the beginning do not do anything for me
you do not want to do. But he does this
stuff feeling he dont have, and feels
resentful to me.
My whole point is my whole relationship
has been not true. I give all and he
resents all thinking I dont give all.
Leaving him to not give himself at all.
It has been horrible. I want someone who
understands me and my kids and loves us
cuz they know the good things we possess,
instead I have someone who thinks I am as
ugly as he is and treats me accordingly.
He gets these toughts in his head about
me and my kids, and will not let them go,
eventhough we prove it to him
everyday--that what he believes is not
true about us.
So my end reasoning is if he will not be
direct with you and talk to you you can
end up like me. Giving all taking none,
and being taken from and not getting
anything back. All because he believes
what he wants to believe, no matter what
we do to prove ourselves to him.
He will never change, it will always be
this way.
|
heartbroke
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Aug 2005 Posts: 17
Sms Posted: 09-08-05 07:20am
Yesterday I send him an sms. In it I says
"hi, I havn't hear from you for sometime,.
I hope you are well. How's the weather
like there? I'm not sure when you are
flying home, so have a good flight home.
Take care"
it is this short and I didn't say anything
emotional. He didn't reply me at all.
And I catch a pattern. When he's awake (i
know the country timing), he will switch
off his mobile, and when he's sleeping, he
will turn on his mobile(to silent mode i'm
very 100% sure). This has been the
pattern for like days. What kind of
employee does that on business trip? I
can't even turn off my phone when i'm
overseas trip.
Isn't it obvious that he's screening his
calls from voicemails?
There is a 1% possibility that his company
doesn't allow him to use the phone or he
thinks that receiving calls is going to be
very expensive. But since its a company
trip, and he does travel intensely, there
shouldn't be any reason that a big company
will stingy on phone expenses.
I don't know whether this pattern is
purposely created to avoid me or not. But
I feel that if he has to do this at the
expense of his work, his company, he's not
a good employee....
Unless he's not on a business trip at
all................
|
tarbaby
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Jun 2005 Posts: 19
Posted: 11-03-05 18:53pm
Did you end up going? I read this pretty
after the fact but I would say to back off
for some time and give him some space.
Don't contact him for awhile and see what
happens. Sometimes they just need some
space.
|
tarbaby
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Jun 2005 Posts: 19
Posted: 11-03-05 19:13pm
Did you end up going? I read this pretty
after the fact but I would say to back off
for some time and give him some space.
Don't contact him for awhile and see what
happens. Sometimes they just need some
space.
