My wife & I have been married for
nearly 8 years. We have two great kids,
but getting pregnant with the 2nd was not
easy for my wife. This killed our sex
life since it became a regimented chore
each month based on her ovulation cycle.
Since then (my son is now two) we have
slowly drifted apart. Last year she got a
job to help pay the mortgage on a new
house & she works in the evenings, she
also started going out for drinks with her
brother/friends; which meant we saw very
little of each other during the week.
Now she has had a brief affair. She says
she still loves me, but is not in love
with me (think she means as a friend). I
want her to come to counselling to try
again but she says she has done all her
thinking. She tells me she isnt going to
see this guy again but recently I can't
trust a word she says. We are still
living together & only last night
slept in the same bed (though not
intimately)
i love her very much & the thought of
breaking up is killing me, not least at
the thought of what this will do to our
kids. She has agreed to come to
counselling but i'm afraid her heart will
not be in it to make any impact. I want
to win her back but not at the expense of
prostituting myself so I end up with no
life.
|
bobbynz
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Aug 2005 Posts: 8
Is This the First Time? Posted: 09-05-05 17:14pm
Your situation sounds very similar to what
I am going through - but without the
affair part. Since my daughter was born
two years ago we have had sex four times -
the first instance was almost one year
after she was born. Not forgetting that
we didnt do anything once she found that
she was pregnant. Even the four times
since have not been pleasant - regimented
as you aptly put. There has been other
circumstances that have placed a lot of
stresses on the relationship too.
We too have slowly drifted apart, but this
is due more to my wife's excessive
controlling behaviour. She now takes the
kids to bed at 8pm and sleeps herself
saying she is tired. She has started to
spend most weekends doing things for
herself i.E. Hairdressers, overtime at
work - leaving me with the kids. Its now
to the point where we find it difficult to
have a conversation.
I have spent the past weeks trying to find
out what I wanted out of the relationship
with my wife, my kids, how my work fits
in, how I see the future panning out. I
wrote it all down and gave her a copy to
read through. Im my case she read it and
put it aside without comment. So far she
has refused to discuss it - I think she
has logged itas my attempt at a mid-life
crisis. In my instance did not become the
discussion point I thought it would (i was
hoping to have her input into our life,
her hopes, her dreams, her values and
beliefs and make it into a family plan).
However, it did clarify in my mind what I
wanted to do and where I wanted to go. I
was then able to plan contingencies based
on certain events.
Is your wife's affair a cry for attention?
(i'm not a dr so don't read too far). I
think that you need to find what you want
from the relationship first. Write it,
plan it (call it a family mission
statement if you like - all very yuppie, I
know). Once you have your mind sorted,
see where your wife wants to fit in.
Hang in there, it takes a little time to
make the right decision. I've never found
counsellors much good. However i've found
this forum a refreshing change.
|
bobster
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Aug 2005 Posts: 10 Location: UK
Posted: 09-06-05 03:31am
Thanks for your advice, I can only hope
that you are right - she certainly is very
confused right now. Only last week she
broke down on the phone saying she was
sorry & that she didn't know what she
was doing or why, only to revert back when
I returned from my parents two days
later.
I am concerned that after everything that
has happened I will never be able to trust
her again. That is something I will have
to ask myself if it ever happens. We are
currently discussing separation &
money is going to be a real sticking
point. She is using the custody of the
kids as leverage to get more out of me.
I am trying very hard not to hate her for
that!
With regard to your situation I would
reccommend the following e-book which
might be of use. It shows how the things
you do can influence your wife & a lot
of it makes great sense, well worth £20
since it includes email correspondence
with the author if you desire more
professional advice.
I am no expert, but until you have
trust........You got nothing........Leave
her. Give her space. Let her evalutate
life without you, and you without her.
Then see........She will get over her
phase or not, which will determine your
future........A year at the longest after
that, move on.
Again no expert here..........Just outside
looking.
