I have been married for 21 years, 3 kids
16, 14, and 11. The kids are awesome. My
wife is a great mother and I respect her
deeply for it. But since we married,
lovemaking has been rare. We both waited
til we got married. Now we are at about 2
- 3 times per year. We have no intimacy,
passion, closeness, no physical affection
what so ever. When I tried to hug her and
kiss her, i'd get the shoulder tap (like
okay enough).
Anyway, it has been particularly cold for
the last 10 years. We sleep in the same
bed and after so many years of being
rejected, I finally gave up and stopped
advancing. I've always been jealous
seeing other couples who looked so in
love. Well, I am not in love with her
anymore. I have tried surprising her with
trips and little gifts. A few years back
I bought her a diamond ring and she
actually said why did you do this? I try
to get her to spend time with me on walks,
hikes, or even rides in the car, going
away, or just a date night once in a
while. She does not want to do it. She
does not have anyone on the side, I am
sure. She is just, well, very non
passionate except for anything to do with
the kids. I've told her it is important
to me.
I had a brief long distance affair with no
intercourse with her cousin 9 years ago.
I felt so guilty. She wanted me to move
to her state but I could not leave my wife
and kids, especially because at the time I
did not feel as though I had worked hard
enough at the marriage. So we broke it
off. To this day, my wife does not know.
I tried various things to make it work.
She does not even want to go to church
with me anymore.
I don't know what to do. I can stay in a
loveless marriage for the kids, or I can
leave and hope that we can remain friends.
I'm not looking for blame and quite
frankly I don't know if I want to salvage
it.
So i've been riding the wave for years,
just accepting the life I am in. Not
shopping around for anyone, no desire or
want for an affair. Just accepting and
living rather miserably without
intimacy.
Then (yeah here it comes) I met a woman
who has floored me. She is alone with a
couple of kids. We coached our daughter's
team together and the more we've talked
the more we have connected. She is very
hesitant to open up her feelings because I
am married but we both can tell we have
mutual feelings for one another. She does
not want me to leave my wife because of
her. It is only because of her, that I
want to get out now rather than when the
kids are older! I'm only in the marriage
for the kids. We have started sneaking
around but have not even kissed. We have
held each other though. I feel like a
coward for not leaving my wife but don't
want to devastate the kids since they are
doing so well. But if I don't get out of
this and move on I am going to go crazy.
I've been emotionally divorced for a few
years now.
We started going to counseling because I
figured there would be some revelation to
fix our marriage but I really don't think
I want to after all the rejection. My
wife is begging me to give her another
chance though I don't think a person can
change their personality. Lots of baggage
here. I can see the pain in her face and
it is killing me. We have talked over
the years about how our relationship has
no intimacy but she just did not get it
until I started talking divorce. Then
to make matters worse, she found out i've
been talking to the other woman. Can it
get any worse? I think I want out but am
so confused. I try to picture what life
would be like single but i've never lived
as a single.
Can anyone point me in the right direction
to help me make this decision? My wife is
so distraught thinking about losing me yet
she has not showed this much emotion since
I have known her. Being around her makes
me very depressed.
|
bobbynz
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Aug 2005 Posts: 8
Carpe Diem Posted: 09-05-05 19:10pm
Your situation sounds similar to mine,
only half the length of time. I've been
married 11 years and my wife has been
distant for 6 years or so now. We too
have little intimacy or closeness kissing
in public is a no, she never hugs. I have
given up on intimacy in bed again due to
so many rejections.
For many years I have gone along with this
situation, mainly because of the children.
But more recently I have started to
wonder if it was enough. My trigger was
when an old boss called me and wanted me
to go back to work for him. I have
endured a dead end job for three years now
and feel that if I lost this one I would
never be employed again. When I mentioned
it to my wife she stonewalled me and said
I was stupid for considering such an idea
- it would have meant us moving.
Anyway, I sat down and wrote a life plan.
I have spent the past weeks trying to find
out what I wanted out of the relationship
with my wife, my kids, how my work fits
in, how I see the future panning out. I
wrote it all down and gave her a copy to
read through. Im my case she read it and
put it aside without comment. So far she
has refused to discuss it - I think she
has logged itas my attempt at a mid-life
crisis. In my instance did not become the
discussion point I thought it would (i was
hoping to have her input into our life,
her hopes, her dreams, her values and
beliefs and make it into a family plan).
However, it did clarify in my mind what I
wanted to do and where I wanted to go. I
was then able to plan contingencies based
on certain events.
I would recommend that you spend some time
and do something similar. Put down every
detail including how you wish to be
treated. Ground rules for sex (who
initiates, refusal etc.), discussions,
plans etc. It seems that over the years
your seperate beliefs and values have
become disjointed. This way you will have
a point to discuss everything. Just go in
with the attitude that you have nothing to
lose; prepare for the worst. After all
its your life.
Just to finish, by doing this exercise I
realised that I had suppressed things like
listening to my favourite music, wanting
to do certain hobbies, wanting to go on
certain trips, all because my wife has the
dominant personality in our relationship
and everything had to be her way.
Because of this forum, I now realise that
if I don't do something now I will end up
with a mediocre life full of regrets.
Carpe diem.
|
bobster
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Aug 2005 Posts: 10 Location: UK
Posted: 09-06-05 03:43am
Try reading this book www.Savemymarriagetoday.Co
m it makes a lot of sense & helps
you to put down what you both think is
wrong with your relationship.
You need to try & forget the baggage
& start over if you are to make it
work. Blame, anger & resentment are
your enemy. It may be an idea to pretend
you are courting again, go out on your own
on a date, meet at the venue, hold hands
& try to remember why it was you first
fell in love.
Call me an old romantic but I refuse to
believe that people can change just like
that. The reason most marriages end in
divorce is because people don't want to
make the effort any more. I am on the
receiving end of a situation like yours so
I know how your wife feels. Remember it
is not your or her fault you both have a
responsibility to talk to each other about
you feeling & concerns.
Finally dont just do this because you want
to stop your wife's pain. You need to
want to get things back on track for
yourself if this is going to work. If
you are going to leave try not to confuse
your wife by protracting the situation
& her pain, get out & let her get
on with her life.
I wish you luck & I hope you decide
that the hard work will be worth it.
Remember rome was not built in a day &
the process could take years.
