I've been struggling with this ed for long
enough now and i'm so tired, tired of
always wanting to lose weight, tired of
never being able to, tired of always
having to pretend that everthing is ok.
I had to take a year out from school last
year and I am going back in two weeks to
finish my final year and although my exams
should be my biggest priroty they're not,
losing weight is. Today I planned to
start fresh and finally lose the weight I
so despersalty need to lose and I have
already failed. I wonder will I ever go
back to the way I was? I just want to
have the same body as I had before now. I
used to be able to lose weight, it was the
only thing I was good at and now I can't
even do that. Tomorrow I am going to buy
clothes for starting back at school and I
am dreading it, I have to buy clothes and
i'll see how big I am and it will kill me
but I am hoping that it will inspire me to
lose the weight i've so wanted to lose.
I know its not just about weight but for
me its all I have left. I have spent so
long wanting to die and my only reason for
staying alive is to lose weight and if I
can't do it then there really is no point.
I know there are other ways and
recovering is the better option but I just
don't want to, i've never wanted to.
I have been going to therapy everyday for
the past 10 months and still I have no
want to recover, my life's ambition is to
lose weight.
I just hope that tomorrow I will be able
to start my plan and that everything will
work out for me, the way I want it to. Of
course you can have dreams of travelling
and things like that but my dream, my only
dream is to be thin and until then I
cannot live, I cannot enjoy anything.
I hope to write soon and be happier about
the way I look, I hope soon to write here
and finally have my dream come true, until
then I leave you and love you.
Take care all!
Xxx
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irishamethyst
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jul 2005 Posts: 75 Location: Ireland
Posted: 09-02-05 03:37am
Your post makes me sad. I know there is
more to you than the ed, and the number on
the scale. It's not always easy to be
commited to recovery. I know for myself,
there were many a time that I would have
gladly given up on recovery, and succumbed
to the ed.
When you are ready, and when you least
expect it, change can and will happen.
One day, you'll look back at this and
wonder "how on earth did things get this
way".
Sometimes it's necessary to go through the
motions of recovery. Whether you realise
it or not, things that are said do get
through on some level, even if you don't
believe them.
What would being thin mean to you? How
does/would that define you?
I don't know if this has helped any, as
the right words aren't forthcoming at the
moment.
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irishamethyst
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jul 2005 Posts: 75 Location: Ireland
Posted: 09-02-05 08:13am
I guess what I was trying to say in my
previous post, is that it's ok if you
don't want to recovery just yet. Most
people when they start going to therapy,
at first don't want to change (not just
ed's). The ed has been a comfort to you
for so long, so why should you give it up.
For me thriving for recovery is
imporant, because I want to live and enjoy
life, and get the most I can out of it.
There is also, the small matter of me
wanting to be a therapist some day.
Can you think about getting some funky
clothes when clothes shopping, rather than
worrying about the size etc. Just an
idea...
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