In a Dark Place With No Options. Posted: 09-03-05 12:04pm
I am in the most awful compromising
situation that I can imagine being in and
I need to speak to people to get their
opinion about how to deal with it as I
simply can't see a way in which I am going
to be able to so.
I had been seeing a girl casually for 2
months at which point we mutually decided
that it wasn't working and that we didn't
love each other and that it was best if we
went our own ways. What’s more she
was (is) not from this country and has
been here on a professional work exchange
for a period of 1 year. This was also
one of the reasons that contributed to our
decision.
I had been very clear with her from the
outset that I am not ready for fatherhood
and that should a mistake happen I would
not be in favour of going through with the
pregnancy. She had said that she felt
the same way.
Having said that though I did not rely on
this as a safety net and before sleeping
with one other we both had hiv tests (both
negative) and were using protection up
until a point when she began taking the
pill.
She also told me that she had been
practising the rhythm method as an extra
precaution which although out of my hands
was piece of mind. I felt very safe and
secure in this knowledge and never for a
moment thought that we were in danger.
Now however 2 weeks after breaking up she
has come to me and told me that she is 6
weeks pregnant and that although she had
not intended to deceive me she had in fact
stopped taking the pill during the final
throws of our relationship under the
impression that the rhythm method would
protect her. This was when she had
fallen pregnant. Had she told me this
beforehand I would not have slept with her
unprotected.
Furthermore upon discussing our options
she has informed me that she can not bear
to go through with an abortion (medical or
surgical) and that she intends on keeping
the child despite the fact that I have
offered to provide full financial and
emotional support (which she knows that
she can depend on) in order to do so.
She also tells me that she plans on
returning to her home country (which I
wont name but is 7hours flight from me and
which I have no legal right to reside in)
and that "she doesn't expect anything of
me financially or emotionally".
This however is no solace whatsoever and I
simply can not bear the thought of what
the this future holds for us. In fact
in trying to express my heartache to her I
have likened this scenario to an abortion
for men as I will, not only have to face
the inevitable social stigma of being a
drop kick father, but more pertinently
will have a hole in my heart for the rest
of my days knowing that my child, my flesh
and blood, is growing up without me in
it's life. The negative aspects of this
scenario are just innumerable.
So what it amounts to is that not only is
my fate sealed but I have absolutely no
say in the matter. This has left me
feeling vulnerable, helpless and betrayed
to a point I can not express.
In truth I am not sure what level of
responsibility I am ready or willing to
accept as I still cant get my mind around
the fact that I am in this situation
however the fact that in all likelihood I
will simply be a long distance father that
has little or no influence in the life of
this child just kills me. It stands in
opposition to everything I believe a
father should be and I am petrified that
this scenario could literally change my
mental state of balance and the course of
my life.
As dramatic as that may sound I am in such
a bleak place right now and so removed of
options I have reached a point where I am
desperate and beyond crying and falling
into a state of depression all I am left
with is pleading with her to come to her
senses.
I keep saying to her that all I ask is
that she take some responsibility for the
fact that her decision not to tell me
about coming off the pill has led to this
situation and help me help her go back to
the way things were. Go back to point
where we could make decisions about our
lives that would not have such a profound,
and in all likelihood negative, influence
over the other. I went to reset things.
I know I am not asking something that she
objects to ethically and as much as the
thought of abortion repels me, at 6 weeks
I am steadfast in my belief that I am not
taking a life as I define it.
I appreciate any advice you can offer me.
What are your suggestions. Can I
force her to stay in the country? Do I
want to? I don’t know if I am ready
for this challenge even if it was an
option. Has anyone else been in this
situation and could offer me some advice
on how it has effected them and how they
dealt with it and perhaps how some peace
of mind has come from it?
I’m so scared that this will lead
inevitably to bitterness and potentially
vengeance as I can already feel this
emotions creeping into my thoughts.
Kind regards
anon
|
BrianBaby
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Jan 2005 Posts: 1383
Posted: 09-03-05 17:47pm
Anon, i'm a little confused. Are you
saying you would rather her have an
abortion??
|
fatfamily02
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jul 2005 Posts: 3050 Location: Georgia, USA
Re: In a Dark Place With No Options. Posted: 09-03-05 18:42pm
parissearles
wrote:
i am in the most awful
compromising situation that I can imagine
being in and I need to speak to people to
get their opinion about how to deal with
it as I simply can't see a way in which I
am going to be able to so.
I had been seeing a girl casually for 2
months at which point we mutually decided
that it wasn't working and that we didn't
love each other and that it was best if we
went our own ways. What’s more she
was (is) not from this country and has
been here on a professional work exchange
for a period of 1 year. This was also
one of the reasons that contributed to our
decision.
I had been very clear with her from the
outset that I am not ready for fatherhood
and that should a mistake happen I would
not be in favour of going through with the
pregnancy. She had said that she felt
the same way.
Having said that though I did not rely on
this as a safety net and before sleeping
with one other we both had hiv tests (both
negative) and were using protection up
until a point when she began taking the
pill.
She also told me that she had been
practising the rhythm method as an extra
precaution which although out of my hands
was piece of mind. I felt very safe
and secure in this knowledge and never for
a moment thought that we were in danger.
Now however 2 weeks after breaking up she
has come to me and told me that she is 6
weeks pregnant and that although she had
not intended to deceive me she had in fact
stopped taking the pill during the final
throws of our relationship under the
impression that the rhythm method would
protect her. This was when she had
fallen pregnant. Had she told me this
beforehand I would not have slept with her
unprotected.
Furthermore upon discussing our options
she has informed me that she can not bear
to go through with an abortion (medical or
surgical) and that she intends on keeping
the child despite the fact that I have
offered to provide full financial and
emotional support (which she knows that
she can depend on) in order to do so.
She also tells me that she plans on
returning to her home country (which I
wont name but is 7hours flight from me and
which I have no legal right to reside in)
and that "she doesn't expect anything of
me financially or emotionally".
This however is no solace whatsoever and I
simply can not bear the thought of what
the this future holds for us. In fact
in trying to express my heartache to her I
have likened this scenario to an abortion
for men as I will, not only have to face
the inevitable social stigma of being a
drop kick father, but more pertinently
will have a hole in my heart for the rest
of my days knowing that my child, my flesh
and blood, is growing up without me in
it's life. The negative aspects of
this scenario are just innumerable.
So what it amounts to is that not only is
my fate sealed but I have absolutely no
say in the matter. This has left me
feeling vulnerable, helpless and betrayed
to a point I can not express.
In truth I am not sure what level of
responsibility I am ready or willing to
accept as I still cant get my mind around
the fact that I am in this situation
however the fact that in all likelihood I
will simply be a long distance father that
has little or no influence in the life of
this child just kills me. It stands in
opposition to everything I believe a
father should be and I am petrified that
this scenario could literally change my
mental state of balance and the course of
my life.
As dramatic as that may sound I am in such
a bleak place right now and so removed of
options I have reached a point where I am
desperate and beyond crying and falling
into a state of depression all I am left
with is pleading with her to come to her
senses.
I keep saying to her that all I ask is
that she take some responsibility for the
fact that her decision not to tell me
about coming off the pill has led to this
situation and help me help her go back to
the way things were. Go back to point
where we could make decisions about our
lives that would not have such a profound,
and in all likelihood negative, influence
over the other. I went to reset
things.
I know I am not asking something that she
objects to ethically and as much as the
thought of abortion repels me, at 6 weeks
I am steadfast in my belief that I am not
taking a life as I define it.
I appreciate any advice you can offer me.
What are your suggestions. Can I
force her to stay in the country? Do I
want to? I don’t know if I am ready
for this challenge even if it was an
option. Has anyone else been in this
situation and could offer me some advice
on how it has effected them and how they
dealt with it and perhaps how some peace
of mind has come from it?
I’m so scared that this will lead
inevitably to bitterness and potentially
vengeance as I can already feel this
emotions creeping into my thoughts.
Kind regards
anon
i have never seen such beautiful
writing--beautiful expression of
thought.
Either you are a very caring and ethical
human being---or one of those pple who
just have the right words at the right
time--fast talker.
So this leads me to believe that down deep
inside you either hate her for puting you
in this situation and would never think
twice about getting rid of the baby---or
you indeed would be bothered to an extreme
extent almost like a female would feel.
Most of these women have no idea how hard
abortion is on their emotional wellbeing
until it is over-- and it can completely
destroy them in the end. And apart from
god giving back to them some sense of
value and loss of shame--they will never
have a substantial mental life again.
Good luck anon
hope it works out for you
|
Pocket Angel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Jul 2005 Posts: 241 Location: Thiells, New York
Posted: 09-03-05 19:39pm
I definitely dont think it is fair that
she went off the pill without telling you,
and had agreed with you, at the beginning
of your relationship, that abortion would
be an option if something like this would
of happened.
As much as people say abortion is the
woman's choice, because it is her body...
I don't agree with that. I think
this is a decision that both of you should
have a say in.
As someone who has gotten an abortion, I
know the emotional issues that come with
it afterwards, but it was a decision both
me and my partner made and had agreed on.
You and her had agreed on this before
engaging in sexual activity.
The child will be a victim no matter what.
Either the pregnancy is aborted, or
this baby grows up without a father
figure, which is obvious you wish you
could give him.
My own personal opinion, being an outsider
looking in of course, is that she did try
to purposly decieve you. If she
thought the rythm method was enough, then
she would have seen no reason for a condom
in the first place... Along with no
reason to go on the pill either. It is
obvious you made it clear to her, that
protection was a must... So why would
she assume you were okay having sex
without any?
Usually I would sit here and say, sorry
man, you had sex, your responsibilty...
But I honestly see you as the victim in
this situation... Seems like she is
getting the child she wants at your
expense.
I am so sorry to hear about this... I
just wanted to let you know that I don't
think your wrong for wanting her to have
an abortion. I know some people may
bash you for it, but just wanted to let
you know you have my support.
As for what you should do, I really don't
even know where to start... I would
though ask her to stay in the country, so
that you could be closer to your child...
If she cant even give you that, then it is
somewhat obvious that she doesnt want you
in your childs life.
I am very sorry and wishing you the best
of luck.
|
parissearles
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Sep 2005 Posts: 5
Posted: 09-04-05 11:05am
Thank you for your sympathy pocket angel.
I think a large part of my pain is that I
feel guilty begging for something that I
know is both traumatising to the other
person and socially frowned upon. I am
acutely aware of the fact that I have no
moral high ground; on a superficial level
at least (which lets face is as far as
most people will bother to view it before
casting judgment). Some of the responses
I have recieved online are testimony to
this fact and hurt me terribly.
As it stands she has written me out of the
equation and I am resigned to having to
"just deal with it". This means I will
always be the guy that wasnt there, the
guy that couldnt handle it and the guy
that wanted to kill the child to everyone
involved, even the child itself.
It just hurts me so much that this is my
lot, I cant tell you. I have a constant
ache in the pitt of my stomach that I just
can't imagine ever dissipating.
For what its worth, your kind words helped
to take the edge of this pain
thank you
|
parissearles
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Sep 2005 Posts: 5
Posted: 09-21-05 08:59am
This is a follow up to my previous message
as I find myself in a position now where
the girl that I had been seeing has left
the country 2 months pregnant with my
child. Short of physically preventing her
there was no way I was going to stop her
from leaving and I now find myself in a
position where in 7 months time I will be
a father and in all liklihood will have no
information on, or access to, child
whatsoever.
I have recieved basic legal advice which
seems to suggest I have no reasonable
legal channels to pursue given the fact
that I am neither a national of her
country nor does it have strong diplomatic
ties with the us.
And so it is that I have come to resign
myself to the fact that I have no option
to deal with it beyond trying to forget.
What I would like to know is whether
anyone else faced something like this and
can you tell me whether or not the anguish
and distress dissipates with time or do
you find yourself with the constant ache
of loss forevermore?
I have to put it out of my mind before it
poisons my thoughts. It is a such a
distressing scenario.
