Mental Conditions Forum - Terrified And Unable to Function Alone

Hi again. This is a long one so thankyou everyone for reading and any help would be so appreciated. I am 48 years old and have been diagnosed with major depressive/histrionic/somatic/dependency disorder. I have been to many psychiatrists and psychologists and none are able to help. They said I will never be able to live in the real world. I knew I was not normal at the age of 5 when I had to independently go to school.Any thing I have to do by myself is torment. As a teenager I was into drinking, boys, lying etc. At the age of 16 I fell in love with a guy in another city and I had to leave home to be with him. When I say I had to, I could not function, without him. The inner pain away from him was a huge grieving pain in my heart. Once I was with him I finished high school, ( only got through school by memorizing. I got into university and he went to another city. That is when my first major attack hit. My mind would not function, I could not read, cried constantly and head just spinned in circles. I tried to take my life then.
After 4 years of major depression I tried to go into the world again. I got married and had a good gov job for 5 years. I took very sick, physically, major fatigue, could not read, etc. They thought I had chronic fatigue syndrome. I left one husband for another, jumped, I could never be alone. When I am alone I am with myself. I am with horrible thoughts, inner pain worse than torture, and the inability to function.

I left my last marriage 5 years ago, I fell in love with a wonderful kind and gentle man in the usa. We have been doing long distance for 5 years. It has been gruesome. I live only to be with him(not normal I know) I try to do things for myself but have always functioned with another. Looked after my ex husbands, children, I left my marriage, my own house ( my mortage) and ran in terror. I took an apt and thought I had to wait a few months until my love in the states came and got me. I did not know all about the immigration procedures. I hung on to my couch on the floor, shaking, crying, could not read or think again and I tried again to end my life. They threw me in a group home, (horrible) as they take all your money( I am on a disability pension) and it is like jail. I got out and took an apt ( a front really) to store my items and my girlfriend who is disabled lives downstairs. I sleep (barely) in the apt and am with her most of the day.

If I falter again I will be thrown in the group home and not allowed out. This is not a matter of choice- something happens to my mind when I am alone. I try so hard but the pain inside my chest and heart is so bad, deep grieving pain. My last visit to the states was so sad. I took my first I think psychotic attack. I thought I was in hell, heard voices for one week. I could not fly home and my love had to drive me back to canada in tears, never knowing if he would see me again. He is trying to work so hard to sponsor me as his wife and loves me so. He thinks I may improve and it is so heartbreaking telling him I will function better with you but will be very dependent on you. I love him so very much. He is my life.

I am visiting again and have to leave soon. Like every time when I think of leaving I get almost hysterical and this time I have to fly home and be well. How do I stop what is coming.

I am intellectually smart, knows what to do, but when the time comes for action I cannot function. I am like a 5 year old child in this way.

I have lost my friends as they all thought I was so pretty, and had my own little business and so likeable. They had never seen me alone and is a shock to them. My own ex husband never knew I was not well. This shows up when I am to be alone, and function independently.

I would rather die than live like this.
Does anyone out there understand this at all? I feel so alone. What is this grieving pain, why does nothing mean anything to me other than my love. Even when walking alone I have to sit as the pain in my legs is so bad, yet walking with my love- no problem. I have gained 50 in two months for no known reason, and I am so terrified of my future.