Ending a Common-law (with Child) Relationship Posted: 09-07-05 15:58pm
Hello everyone. I've read many of the
posts in this forum and think this is a
helpful group and hopefull i'll be able to
get some advice as well. Here's the
situation: my common-law "husband" have
been together a total of 4 years now and
we had a beautiful baby daughter 2 years
ago. We moved in together after the
first year of being together and shortly
after, things started to change (the
comfort zone i've been told), but then got
worse as it slipped into being
non-communicative and emotionally distant
due to my boyfriend's unwillingness to
talk about the things that I felt
concerned about. This continued and we
became very distant in all aspects. But
to our surprise, then, I got pregnant.
I hardly ever got any compliments or
affection from him throughout my pregnancy
(or sex - he hardly ever wanted it - said
he felt uncomfortable knowing the baby was
"right there"..Whatever!), and though he's
been a good dad, we haven't had any
progress in our closeness at all and
although we hardly ever actually fought
(he was never abusive but kept everything
inside), the emotional distance and
resentment got so bad that I had a very
serious talk with him about 9 mths ago.
We both agreed that if it wasn't for our
daughter we would not be together but that
we wanted to try to work it out just
incase it was just the resentment making
us feel like there was nothing left. We
tried counselling and he seemed to want to
try at first but it never changed enough
-not enough to make me happy at least, and
the resentment was still there because
every time i'd try to talk to him about
issues, he'd still give me communication
breakdown and i'd get so resentful about
that, that it would bring me back to
giving up!! None the less, i've taken
the last 6 months to do some real serious
thinking and I really don't see this
working whatsoever and in fact, I don't
think he even really wants it to work
(sometimes I don't either) and starting to
wonder if he is even waiting for me to
break up with him so he doesn't have to be
the "cause of the break up" -perhaps he's
afraid it will traumatize our daugther and
is afraid or feels guilty if he were the
one to initiate the breakup even if we
both agreed to it. So, i'm left with
wanting to end things even if the weight
is put on my shoulders because I can no
longer live with someone who only pulls me
down. I will not crumble or be
depressed without him and since I have too
much love for life, i'm a motivated, fun
and loving person. Plus I am the main
one who takes care of our daughter, so
it's not a big loss in that regard.
He's a great dad (plays with her, is
caring etc) but as for us, it's never
going to be happy enough to make it work.
Anyway, since I know I want out of the
relationship, I need advice on how to do
it - as in the best way to approach a
stubborn person who will refuse to admit
they want it to really end and will likely
want to make me feel bad for trying to end
it. I think it'd be better for me to
move out with my daughter but can anyone
give me some advice or insight as to how
to do it as gently as possible so it
doesn't traumatize our daughter? What
if any, are the best steps to talk to him
about it and actually end it, then move
out etc? Advice/stories are much
appreciated!
