Is He Showing Signs of Cheating On Me???

Hi everyone,

me and my boyfriend met two years ago. We've been living together for about 9 months now. It's been very difficult since we moved in together--we've had a lot of problems on and off. He is often very insenstive and irrisponsible, and I have schizophrenia and have been having a lot of trouble with that. The stress of our relationship has caused me to relapse many times and i've already been back to the psych ward once this year. Almost went back again tonight.

Anyways, aside from our problems, we do still love each other and still have fun together sometimes. Although he can be very insensitive about half the time, the other half the time, he is very loving and supportive and tells me all the time he wants to do everything he can to help me and take care of me. So this makes things really hard, because I love him so much, yet sometimes I really really dont like him and I just want to end our relationship.

So anyways, i've been real suspicious of him cheating on me, especially these last couple weeks. Maybe I am just being overly-paranoid, due to my 'condition', but he hasn't had or wanted to have sex with me for over 2 weeks now. He just doesn't seem interested in me that way anymore. He says it's because he's so tired from work, but I dont believe it, because he's never so tired that he can;'t go and hang out with his friends.Every day, after he gets home from work, he goes over to be with some friends. I've never met these people before, but im so scared that he's really just going out and cheating on me with some girl. The thought makes me feel physically sick.
Well, the only thing I knew about these friends is what neighborehood they live in, so earlier tonight I drove down there because he was not answering his cell phone and he had been gone for over 3 hours-way longer than he said he'd be gone. He had promised me he would not be gone for more than an hour and a half because we made plans together to watch a movie.
So, I saw his car parked in the parkinglot of the neighborehood where he told me he'd be. Right when I was about to drive off, I saw him get in his car with some girl and drive off somewhere!!!!!!!!!!.
I went back home and tried calling him about 5 more times. He finally called me back about 10 minutes after I saw him drive off with this girl. I told him i'd been wondering what the heck he was doing and been trying to call and he said "oh, sorry I left my cell phone in the car" so, I know he was in his car with this girl when I made the last 5 calls that he didn't answer.
He got home about 10 or 15 minutes after I saw him get in the car with that girl. That's why I am not too freaked out yet. I told him I had drivin down there to see if his car was there and had seen him get into the car with the girl. He said she was one of his friends friends and she just needed a ride home.

I am so scared. I feel physically sick. When he got back tonight, I decided to go over to my mom's house. But when I was halfway there, I decided it was a bad idea because it was so late and I would wake my mom up and she has to work tomorrow. So I came back to our appartment. My boyfriend's car was gone. I called his cell phone, and just like earlier: no answer. I called again and again. I decided to drive back down to that neighborehood to see if his car was there since I could not get a hold of him. It was. But I drove right back home. I did not want to stay around to see if he and some girl would come outside again. I felt sick. I still feel sick. It's almost 4 in the morning and he still hasn';t come home and he still isn't answering his phone!!. Im surprised he didnt even try calling me earlier to see if I had made it to my mom's house alright because he always calls me when I go over there to make sure I made it.

Oh god help me! I can't take this anymore. I've asked him many times if he's cheating on me and of coarse he denies it. But strangly, he doesn't seem all that disturbed that I think he is cheating!!!

I want to get out of this relationship. I want to just break up with him, but I also still love him--although I dont think im really in-love with him anymore, if you know what I mean. If we break up, I know i'll miss him so much and I will get really depressed and probably suidical, like I have been in the past. This is so complicated.

Sorry this post got so long. I just really needed to get this out. Thanks if you read this and thanks if you have any advice/support.

-becka