Depression Forum

I hope there's someone who can give me some outside perspective of this...Because i'm stuck. This is a long story, but you will find it interesting and I really need your help.

First off, I live a great life. I come from a well-established family, i've got lots of good and deep friendships, my grades are straight a's, my physical health is vibrant, i've got huge mental drive and can attack any problem - no matter how big, hard or complex it might seem - and solve it. My career has just started out very well and the future looks very bright.

But: there's one catch. I've never been in a relationship, and i'm 19. I'm fine with that, so don't get all empathic with me ok? But I do miss it, having someone to relate to, holding the one you love in your arms, looking into her beautiful eyes and feeling the immense glory... I can't describe it with words!

Here's some history: i've been in love with three girls throughout my life. The first time was when I was just a kid, I was in love with a girl for 2 years and then we moved to another town. There (of course =) ) I instantly fell in love with another girl, it was love at first sight. That lasted for 7 years, and I never did anything about it. The last time I fell in love was half a year ago, when I was overseas for a school project. Only problem was she hooked up with one of my friends, so I had to fall deeply in love, realize it couldn't happen and forget about it in just one week.

I never did anything about my crushes. I was paralyzed, I could sit staring at sunsets forever, stop in the middle of laughing at a friend's joke and gaze away at the beach with a ten-thousand yard stare. I was so in love that I thought about it every day for years and years.

But as I grew older I realized that such a condition wouldn't work. You don't get any work done, and you become so self-absorbed that you cease to support your friends. So I did some things with myself. I've always been exercising (football, hockey, weightlifting, running) and like to push myself to the limits. Well, I started to push myself beyond the limits. I would listen to really tough, heavy music, watch deep war movies like gladiator, the thin red line, black hawk down and others - and exercise frantically during the night, often with heavy study burdens and sleep deprivation. During the winter i'd go out when it was freezing and dark outside, put on my boots and start running. I ran fast, and then faster. The snow would make my legs heavy with lactic acid. I'd go on. The cold air and the oxygen deficit would make my lungs hurt. I'd go on. I ran until I literally fell to the ground, beyond exhaustion.

What I did was I burned myself out so hard that I didn't have any energy left to feel anything, not even love. Also, the adrenaline and other "war hormones" that constantly flooded my body made me feel nothing. I hardened myself, body and soul, and became able to cope with anything. I froze out any feelings of love, and was able to have a great time with my friends, do extremely well in school and build the body of my dreams. You see, love for me means deep longing and depression. I guess i'm pretty sentimental. I can look at a short news telegram that announces the deaths of 2 american soldiers from a suicide car bomb and feel... I can't describe the feeling. Anyway, there's great empathy for people in general. And often that works against me since this is a tough world.

Last time I repeated the "burnout, freeze out"-procedure was half a year ago, when I fell in love with a girl who two days after we met (we were coworkers at the time, but had never met before) got together with my friend. I realized I couldn't have feelings for her. So I drank a lot...There was already a lot of drinking among us (normal procedure, couple 19yearolds living in a hostel, you gotta live life, right? =) )

during a three-week period I drank extremely much (passed out twice, drank vodka by the bottle, 70 cl a night) and at the same time exercised hard, and led a working team of five students (we were doing quality improvement work at a factory). After those weeks had ended i'd lost 30 lbs of muscle and fat, but mostly muscle. That I was burnt out is the least you can say. Hard part was that I couldn't talk to anyone about it...So people were probably having wild guesses as to what was troubling me...

So where does this lead me? Loneliness doesn't work, I can't function living alone my whole life, and it's not the life I want. I mean, I want to be in romances, meet new girls, date and have fun, and maybe you find the one you're going to spend the rest of you life with. I've got so much love to give, and I know that my life would be countless many times happier. But what's the problem? I'm scared. Scared sh*tless. I can take on any task, walk in tough streets with complete confidence, deal with conflict and hold presentations to top executives without any nervousness. But I can't walk up to a girl and ask her out. I mean, you gotta understand, just the thought of it blows my mind! I've never done it before, and when I allow myself to feel anything for a girl I immediately start to feel all that i've experienced.

You know how to turn this around? I know it will work out in the end (these things always do) but I want something to happen now. I'm action oriented and i'm tough enough to try new solutions if the old ones don't work. But right now I need your input, because i'm stuck.

Thanks!

Love