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Getting Out...

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bunnystar

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 12 Sep 2005
Posts: 1

Getting Out... Posted: 09-12-05 08:53am


Hello everyone. I have read alot of messages on here and it seems like alot of people have a similar story. I don't want to bore you but I need help. I don't know where to turn anymore. I have asked the organisation who deal with abused women in my country for help but they wont help me, they don't take emotional abuse seriously here. I will try to make the background info suckers as possible: I have been with a certain man for about seven years. He has been emotionally abusive for most of this time and he has substance abuse problems. I will not go into deatils of what he does, there's no point. All I can say is that I am now so weak and I can't rembemer who I am. There were two times when he actually left when I asked him to and we were apart for a while. There was another time when I tried to escape but he found me and started breaking in to my house in the middle of the night and threatening to kill himself. I have involved the police once, but never again, as it was so awful. We have been through alot, I even tried to kill myself once and ended up in hospital for a while (that experience was so traumatizing I would only do it gain if I knew I was going to die!) now I ask him to get out of my house practically every day and I have done so for the past several years. I pay for everything even though he has a job and saves all his money to buy himself stuff..That's a long story.. He refuses to leave. I cry I beg I do everything I can, then he starts being nasty of course. I even say he can trash everything he has when he's threatening me and take all my money of he wants.. I don't care I just want him to go.. Anyway, at the begginning of this year, I decided I wanted to follow a dream i've had for years now of moving overseas to another country. I have had one of the worst years of my life, trying to get organized but not being bale to save enough money. Anyhow, I have saved now and I am ready to go... He thinks he is coming with me. Basically I am trying to find the strength to leave him and go overseas by myself, but I am having trouble. I have two main things that I feel are holding me back. The first thing is that I don't know a single person where I am going. Basically, when I arrive it'll just be me and myself. I don't thinki can do something that hard an painful alone.. Starting a new life will be hard enough. I can't imagine how I am even goig to get my suitcases to my rental car, which brings me to my second major obstacle. Earlier this year I tripped and broke both my arms (yes it actually did happen like that!). They have healed mostly, but I basically have no strength in either of them and I get extreme pain when I lift anything. For example, when I do the dishes I have to put them away one by one becasue I can't hold more than one. I am working with someone to get them healed, but they won't be in time. I won't be abel to upack my container of stuff when it gets there (yes I can pay people, but what if I want to move a piece of furniture later, I can't). So really here we have a fear of complete helplessness, that is sort of valid. I have had to rely on him more heavily this year than ever. When I had both my arms in casts he had to dress and wash me (you can't imagine how abusive he was during this time, and I couldn't fight back, because then he would refuse to help me and I would have to sit in my apartment all day unwashed in my pajamas). Anyway, that's off the topic here basically, I dont think I can handle on my own.. I was excited at going when I thought we would be doing it together, alone it seems like a scary horrible thing. How will make friends in this new place when i'm at this unbeleivable low in self confidence? All the above does not even take into account that I love the man, and that things have been better for us over the past year.. I really thought we were learning how to live with each other.. Then a week ago, when I told him we were ready to go.. He started being abusive again.. If I take him with me overseas, I know I will have to marry him. This is my only chance to get out, but i'm choking. How am I going to find the strength to do this? I thought I had it but I don't.. I have no friends or anyone I can talk to.. I have to help myself... And even if I did find the srength, I would somehow have to covertly leave the apartment one day and nver see him ever again and manage to get his keys back to give to the landlord, I know he would never give them up, but I can't trust him to return them after I leave, in fact I think he would probably trash the place, and i'd be left with the damages. As you can see, it's all seeming rather impossible. I have never felt so trapped.

fatfamily02

Extremely EHEALTHy

Joined: 20 Jul 2005
Posts: 3050
Location: Georgia, USA

Posted: 09-12-05 09:05am


I know you can do it, but I also know how it feels to feel trapped. God bless you hon, you will find a way.

babycat03

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 10 Sep 2005
Posts: 21
Location: michigan

Posted: 09-13-05 16:17pm


Do you have a family that can help you, or a friend? I pray for you hun, you need to get outta this relationship and on your own, you can do it!!!! Have faith. Lisa

prairiegirl

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 14 Jul 2005
Posts: 9
Location: Canada

Posted: 09-13-05 16:44pm


Your situation is awful and I do not envy you for what you are going thru. I do, however, admire you for your strength and realization that its unhealthy. I think you are the only one who knows whats truly best for you..You need to look deep inside and ask yourself if he is the one you want to grow old with. If he is and the abuse isnt bad enough that you fear for your life, than ok. Its obvious you love him, but you have to also decide whats best for you. If he's standing in the way of your dream than you have to decide which is more important to you. Him or your dreams. As for your arms, talk about an unfortunate accident! Its terrible that you still need stregthening, however are you using that as an excuse to stay with your bf? If you were really bound and determinded to leave you would find a way to go and deal with moving furnature later. As for being alone in a new country, it would be hard but you could also look at it as a new adventure. An opportunity to create a new, happier life where you are free to do what you want and meet exciting, incredible ppl who appreciate you for who you are. Im not sure if this post helped at all, but my heart goes out to you and I hope you find happiness no matter what you decide =)

shanti1

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 20 Dec 2004
Posts: 87

Don't Know If You Left Yet Posted: 09-22-05 05:41am


But if you did, congratulations if not yet, how wonderful, how exciting, you should leave. I am sorry about your arms, that makes things more challenging, hmm i still say go, as a new place you can start over a new life, a time to heal in all respects you can stand on new ground, and learn not to be with a guy like the one you just walked away from, in time. I say go for it, whatever you do i wish you the best of luck, safety, peace of mind

sillypoint

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 16 Aug 2005
Posts: 11
Location: UK

Posted: 09-24-05 15:05pm


This guy abused you when you couldn't fight back. I haven't even been through it and i'm repulsed by him. What a disgusting human being. You only have 1 life, how can you possibly choose to live it with this scum. When you were younger i'm sure you had a dream of a perfect guy and the perfect wedding day. Is this what you wanted out of life? We both know the answer to that question.. You have to get out. I appreciate leaving him is far from easy with all your setbacks, but get people/friends/the landlord to help you out. What about family? Can't they help you? If the arm problem really is stopping you maybe wait until they are healed b4 u leave on this adventure, and in the mean time live with your family?

sarah4810

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 13 Oct 2005
Posts: 9
Location: Tampa

Posted: 10-13-05 18:34pm


Hey bunnystar, trust me, I know what your going through. All I can see is reading your post, you are obviously miserable. I can realate to everything that you are saying and trust me, you do not have to do anything to do not want to do. You do not have to get married to this man in any way for any reason. Your situation is not impossible, in fact, it seems you have a clear way out here. Go! Go to that other country..If that was an option when I was in a relationship incredibly similar to yours...I would have been out alot earlier. I understand your concern about knowing people but you will meet people..You will. It so much easier than it sounds. You can meet people with work, you can look for activities that you like to do that you can join a group and meet people with the same interests. There are many ways. I know it's a huge leap..But it's a bigger opportunity!! Shoot...If you need a friend to go with, call me ;) as far as having no friends to talk to, low self confidence and not knowing who you are...I completely understand, and he did all that to you. I think you know deep down what you need to do and what you have to do. How old are you? You do not want this man to have control over the rest of your life! When you get where your going, or maybe even in the process of getting there, will have a boost of self confidence. Get somewhere else..Start over..And just wash everything off. Once you get there, it will all left behind you and start fresh..In a new exciting country. Yes, I know seven years is hard to leave behind but you will not regret it. Especially if it's a bad 7 years. If you need to talk..Really, feel free to aim me..Sarahbixy or that is also my yahoo email.

Jaleigh

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 19 Oct 2005
Posts: 34

Re: Getting Out...
Posted: 10-25-05 07:38am

bunnystar wrote:

hello everyone. I have read alot of messages on here and it seems like alot of people have a similar story. I don't want to bore you but I need help. I don't know where to turn anymore. I have asked the organisation who deal with abused women in my country for help but they wont help me, they don't take emotional abuse seriously here.

I will try to make the background info suckers as possible: I have been with a certain man for about seven years. He has been emotionally abusive for most of this time and he has substance abuse problems. I will not go into deatils of what he does, there's no point. All I can say is that I am now so weak and I can't rembemer who I am.

There were two times when he actually left when I asked him to and we were apart for a while. There was another time when I tried to escape but he found me and started breaking in to my house in the middle of the night and threatening to kill himself. I have involved the police once, but never again, as it was so awful. We have been through alot, I even tried to kill myself once and ended up in hospital for a while (that experience was so traumatizing I would only do it gain if I knew I was going to die!)

now I ask him to get out of my house practically every day and I have done so for the past several years. I pay for everything even though he has a job and saves all his money to buy himself stuff..That's a long story.. He refuses to leave. I cry I beg I do everything I can, then he starts being nasty of course. I even say he can trash everything he has when he's threatening me and take all my money of he wants.. I don't care I just want him to go..

Anyway, at the begginning of this year, I decided I wanted to follow a dream i've had for years now of moving overseas to another country. I have had one of the worst years of my life, trying to get organized but not being bale to save enough money. Anyhow, I have saved now and I am ready to go... He thinks he is coming with me.

Basically I am trying to find the strength to leave him and go overseas by myself, but I am having trouble. I have two main things that I feel are holding me back. The first thing is that I don't know a single person where I am going. Basically, when I arrive it'll just be me and myself. I don't thinki can do something that hard an painful alone.. Starting a new life will be hard enough. I can't imagine how I am even goig to get my suitcases to my rental car, which brings me to my second major obstacle. Earlier this year I tripped and broke both my arms (yes it actually did happen like that!). They have healed mostly, but I basically have no strength in either of them and I get extreme pain when I lift anything. For example, when I do the dishes I have to put them away one by one becasue I can't hold more than one.

I am working with someone to get them healed, but they won't be in time. I won't be abel to upack my container of stuff when it gets there (yes I can pay people, but what if I want to move a piece of furniture later, I can't). So really here we have a fear of complete helplessness, that is sort of valid. I have had to rely on him more heavily this year than ever. When I had both my arms in casts he had to dress and wash me (you can't imagine how abusive he was during this time, and I couldn't fight back, because then he would refuse to help me and I would have to sit in my apartment all day unwashed in my pajamas). Anyway, that's off the topic here basically, I dont think I can handle on my own.. I was excited at going when I thought we would be doing it together, alone it seems like a scary horrible thing. How will make friends in this new place when i'm at this unbeleivable low in self confidence?

All the above does not even take into account that I love the man, and that things have been better for us over the past year.. I really thought we were learning how to live with each other.. Then a week ago, when I told him we were ready to go.. He started being abusive again..

If I take him with me overseas, I know I will have to marry him. This is my only chance to get out, but i'm choking. How am I going to find the strength to do this? I thought I had it but I don't.. I have no friends or anyone I can talk to.. I have to help myself...

And even if I did find the srength, I would somehow have to covertly leave the apartment one day and nver see him ever again and manage to get his keys back to give to the landlord, I know he would never give them up, but I can't trust him to return them after I leave, in fact I think he would probably trash the place, and i'd be left with the damages.

As you can see, it's all seeming rather impossible. I have never felt so trapped.

the best thing for you to do is go on with your plans to leave the country. Move to the other country by yourself. You will be fine. Everything always seems to work itself out. You will make friends. Who knows you may even meet a really nice guy friend that can help you with all the little things that you need. My point is, things will work itself out. You do not have to (or need) to depend on this abusive man. He is not worth it. You will be so much happier without him. You will not realize that until you have actually left him though. I promise you that you will never regret this decision to leave. Right now you are in a "comfortable" place and your afraid to walk away from it. Don't be! Be strong! You can do this. You do not need this man for anything at all. There will be plenty of people there that will help you if you need help. You will be so grateful that you did this in the end.

bikeman120

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 20 Sep 2005
Posts: 57

Posted: 10-25-05 07:52am


You need to get out...Trust me been there done that...I know how you feel & it will hurt like hell for a while..I even went back once for a month & half..Dumbest thing I ever did...They don't change if they will beg & plead say that they did..They eventally go back to there old ways..If you ever want to talk let me know.