Hi all!

I am 15 going on 16, and over the last few years i've been thinking some pretty odd things!

I often feel watched, and when walking along the street feel people are talking about me. On extremes I think they are reading my mind- but generally, I only think this about my family! My dad has a problem with his sinuses which causes him to cough a lot, but when he does, I assume he is being hostile and attempting to read my mind. I'll automatically touch wood to try and prevent this, but I end up engaging him in an argument within my mind, telling him not to read my mind- and yet, at the same time, I know it's only me i'm talking to, and that my dad may just be listening to my inner conflict silently. I feel that when he has got eye contact or physical contact with me, he can read my mind with much more ease, but when he is at a great distance (out of the house) he has much more difficulty. If his presense isn't near, I don't feel so paranoid. I feel the same about my mum too, but to a lesser extent.

I touch wood not only to prevent people reading my mind, but also to prevent bad situations from happening. I will touch wood very very often. Sometimes I feel that I am part of a lesser part of society, a class which was not born with the ability to mind read and a class which are therefore seen as inferior cripples by others. Sometimes I think instead that my dad is developing mind reading technology with his work, and is testing it on me. And sometimes I know that it cannot be true, and yet feel it is at the same time. It often makes me angry and confused with my dad, yet I know he is not trying to hurt me. When I am irritated and he coughs, my stress level rises through the roof and I will slam down on the nearest wood in a pattern of three, making him annoyed too.

I also have delusions of grandeur- I confidently expect to one day be leader of the earth- albeit a despotic and evil leader attempting to shape humanity to a perfect form. I read orwell's 1984 and see myself bringing it about. I read about doomsday predictions and see myself as the prophesised anti-christ bringing about the end of the world, though I am a christian myself. I read about the suffering of people in the world and reach out to them, feel for them- I despise the evil acts of people who cause deaths, and I want to hurt them too in ways just as bad. If angered, I will often console myself in a way that I certainly shouldn't- by saying to myself darkly, dramatically that I will kill them all one day. And that's something I know I shouldn't be thinking!

While enjoying physical contact such as snuggling with girls, I have no desire for sex; and while finding them often very attractive, I don't think the same about girls in porn and avoid it. I have always been jealous and suspicious in my relationships. Once after a break-up I orchestrated a grandiose scheme in my head as to why it happened, involving many friends in the plot- even though I was the one to finish the relationship!


I have not had any definite hallucinations, but sometimes things move or shift in the corner of my eye, and I see dark shadows like black cloaks swooping through door cracks when I know that my family are not about. This leads me to think that people are watching me and I will cast frequent glances over my shoulder out through the window or peer into hallways. I feel bugs crawling on my legs when I can see one nearby, but this might be owing to the fact that my legs are rather hairy hehe. And I have sometimes heard my dad shout my name from downstairs, but on answering him, he reacts in confusion and tells me he did nothing of the sort.


So, are these the first signs of something more?

Ocd for repetetive touching of wood?

Paranoia for believing things that can't possibly be true?

Schizotypal for believing in mindreading?

Or perhaps the beginnings of paranoid schizophrenia?


Any feedback would be much appreciated- it's all rather confusing! I'm not really terribly depressed about it at the moment, just baffled as to what I could be facing!