I Love Her, But Is It Time to Move On? Posted: 10-06-05 16:46pm
My girlfriend and I recently moved in
together. We have been dating for 5 years
and are 23 years old. We met when we were
very young. In fact, we went to the same
school from second grade through high
school. Never once did we even speak to
each other until senior year, when we
started hanging out and eventually dating.
We have been together ever since. We
went to separate colleges and then we
transferred to the same college and
graduated together. We love each other
very much.
Recently, however, I have been extremely
unhappy from time to time. It’s
strange, one week I will be happy as ever
with our relationship, the next I am
looking for excuses to up and run away. I
know that I have nothing really to
complain about. My girlfriend will do
anything to please me. We get into silly
fights all the time, but we always manage
to work things out.
The point of my post is this. Is it
possible for someone to get involved in a
serious relationship when they are too
young? Never in my wildest dreams did
either my girlfriend or I expect to still
be dating 5 years after we first got
together. We expected it to be a typical
high school infatuation. Now I find
myself deeply involved in her life, and
with every passing day we grow more deeply
involved. I feel like fighting because I
am still young. I feel like she and I
need to be apart and see other people to
know if this relationship is meant to be.
Sometimes I think we’re together more
out of a fear for the unknown than out of
the love that we once had. Do I love her
now? Yes. I know I love her. I know
that if I were to leave it would break my
heart, and yet I feel that it would be
best to do so.
Had we not been together we would have
gone to different schools, chosen
different majors, worked in different jobs
and lived in different places. We hold
each other back in many ways. I am, I
must confess, a bit of a wild and free
spirit. I feel while I sit at my office
job day by day a need to just get up, pack
my crap into my car and run off into the
great beyond to discover what life holds
for me. I feel this way, in large part, I
believe, because for 5 years now my life
has been so boringly certain. While we
are together my life ahead holds no
mystery. We both expect to be lawyers.
We’re both intelligent. I know that
financially, if we stay together, we are
bound for success and cannot go wrong. It
sounds like she and I are very good
together. That is precisely the problem.
I wish sometimes that we were horribly
wrong for one another so that it would be
easy to go our own ways.
I feel incredibly immature sometimes. I
am not ready for what I have gotten myself
into. I try and talk to my girlfriend
about these things and, as one would
expect, she is extremely upset. She knows
how I feel and says I should go if I have
to go. My friends say it would be easiest
to just cheat on her, so she would be
angry at me and leave me. I don’t want
to do that to her. I don’t want to hurt
her, but I don’t think I want to be with
her either. I don’t know what I want.
All I know is that I love her to death but
our being together makes me very unhappy
sometimes. I was a different person when
I wasn’t with her. In many ways I was
stronger, more independent and I knew who
I was and what I wanted. Now I feel lost
and I blame our relationship in large part
for leading me astray. I feel that our
relationship is to blame for my becoming
who I am today, and although I love my
girlfriend very much, I am scared to death
that I am being forced into a mold to
become someone that I am not. I want to
be on my own again just to have the
experience again of being an individual.
I don’t want to turn around when I am
thirty and think of what could have been.
I don’t want to resent our relationship
for the rest of our lives. I am so
scared, though, that if I leave I will be
making the biggest mistake of my life.
She says that if I go, she will never take
me back. I believe her. I don’t know
what to do.
Sorry for the long post. Any advice is
appreciated.
|
cutenerd24
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Sep 2005 Posts: 4
Kind of the Same Posted: 10-09-05 01:03am
Hey, I totally know some of those things
you are going through. My b/f and I were
high school sweethearts and we were in
love and not thinking of the future. I
thought it would break my heart when we
left to go to different colleges, but
miracle of miracles we kept in contact for
awhile and then I met someone else who is
so much better a fit for me.
Before I met this other guy, I had some of
the same feelings and doubts. I
questioned if I stayed with this guy if I
would be held back, if I would ever get to
do things I had always dreamed of or if I
would let his opinion get in the way.
I think that one of the most important
things about making such a big decision is
to maybe go back and read some old love
letters, go out for a romantic weekend,
spark up those old feelings. If the
feelings don't come then you know what you
have to do. Even if it means leaving.
If she really loves you then as long as
you dont' parade other girls in front of
her she will definitely understand. I
went through the same phase, of not
wanting my b/f anymore. He said if I left
he wouldn't take my back but one month
later I was back with him.
|
overlyworried
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Oct 2005 Posts: 52 Location: Texas
Posted: 10-09-05 15:03pm
Your girlfriend saying "if you leave, I
won't take you back" is just an excuse to
hold on as long as possible. If she
loves you and it's meant to be, then it
will be regardless of you "needing" to
leave. And don't cheat on her ...
That'll just make her statement more
solid. Plus, she'll respect you in the
long run if she knows that you were true
to her and you were just trying to better
yourself.
You can't be your best in the relationship
if you are not happy. I think getting
involved too young is definitely a
possibility as to why you're so unhappy
now, because you didn't get to explore
different things. I think leaving now
and getting to know yourself a little bit
better will help you in the long run and
possibly help your relationship with your
girlfriend in the future. I also think
that if you stay ... It could get really
nasty and could end the relationship for
good, because you could get resentful
because you feel like you've been held
back and didn't get to experience certain
things in life that you possibly would
have had you and her not been together.
Life kinda sucks - having to make
decisions that could back-fire in your
face, but it's a part of life and you have
to live with the consequences of your
actions. You never know what is gonna be
best for you until you try it. It's a
strong possibility that your girlfriend
will keep to her word and not take you
back after you feel you made a mistake
breaking up with her in the first place -
but that means that y'all weren't meant to
be together and god has something else in
store for you. At the same time ... It
may be the best decision you have ever
made in your life and you'll reap the
benefits of making that decision. You
just gotta figure which road you want to
go down and do it with courage, regardless
of what life throws at you.
Good luck and let me know how everything
goes :-)
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jjc295
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Sep 2005 Posts: 8 Location: New York
Posted: 10-10-05 10:18am
Thanks for the great advice. We are going
to take a weekend away together to see if
I will feel different when we are away
from the pressures of our normal lives. I
don't believe that she will never take me
back. If she loves me still, I know she
will take me back. The thing is that she
has a history of being hurt by and left by
people. An old boyfriend was slightly
abusive and her mother left her when she
was very young. She has built up a
reaction that if you leave, she shuts down
whatever feelings she had for you and
pretends that you don't exist. I think
what she is saying is that if I leave, she
will force herself to stop loving me and
may not want me back if I do come back.
Well, I really appreciate your thoughts.
I cannot say what I am going to do as this
is an extremely important decision and I
am going to take time in making it. The
only thing is that holding our
relationship in limbo is doing it dammage.
My gf won't wear a diamond ring that I
gave her for our fifth anniversary. We're
not sleeping together. We're not spending
so much time together because it's a
little uncomfortable. She's pushing me to
make a decision and i'm delaying it as
much as possible. Maybe this is a bad
idea, but i'm taking my time.
|
jjc295
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Sep 2005 Posts: 8 Location: New York
Posted: 11-11-05 14:27pm
We tried. Things went well for a little
while but returned to me being unhappy.
We talked about splitting up. Yesterday
she left me. Now i'm single and haven't
been since high school. I guess it goes
to show that no matter how much you may
have loved somebody and how long you have
been together, if the relationship doesn't
make you both happy then it will not work.
You must think about yourself first and
your partner second. It sounds selfish
but you only have one lifetime to get
things right, don't waste it trying to
make someone else happy.
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poohbear101
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Nov 2004 Posts: 383
Posted: 11-11-05 19:43pm
It's not really either one of your faults
that the relantionship didn't work out.
As people get older they change, it's all
part of growing up and finding out who you
really are. And if you get into a
relantionship when you're young and stay
in that relantionship for how many years
when you start chaning you could start
wanting different things in life. And
sometimes that means letting go of people
who you always thought youd be with. I
know it hurts but it's normal. And who
knows this may not even be the end of you
two. You both just need some time to grow
independantly and find out what you want
and who you are before you can grow
together any more as a couple.
I was with an old bf off and on since I
was 14, i'm 21 now. We stayed that way
for a good 5 years until I was 19 and
moved away. One of us had to take a step
to break the cycle we had of getting
together, breaking up, getting together,
breaking up. And when I moved a few hours
away from home it worked. We didnt' see
each other as often and we both found
different things in life that we liked and
wanted. Now he's engaged to a friend of
mine who makes him a lot better partner
then I ever could and i'm with someone
else and expecting my first baby.
I really do think that if you're with
someone for so long things start to get
comfortable, which isn't a bad thing, but
in some cases can really make a person
miserable because they want to experience
something more but they don't know how
because this is all they've known for how
long. You both took steps towards
something different and maybe in the end
you'll be back together but then maybe
you'll both realize it was for the best
because you found something better.
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Jaleigh
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Oct 2005 Posts: 34
Posted: 11-11-05 20:31pm
I have to reply to this topic. I first
started seeing my husband when I was only
17 years old. We both had a lot of
growing up to do and we did that. He
still had his fun and so did i. He was
still able to go out with his buddies and
so was i. Then as time went by we kinda
slowed down from going "out" all the time
with our buddies and started spending a
little more time together. Getting to
know each other a little better. Then we
took it a little bit further into a more
serious relationship. What i'm trying to
say is that we took things slow so that we
were still able to live out our young days
growing up. We've been together for 10
years now and we just got married last
july. We've only been married for 4
months now. We are still just as close
today as we were the first day we got
togehter. I think it's because we didn't
let our relationship ruin part of our
lives. We didn't let our relationship
stop us from living and having fun. We
are still so close now and get along so
good together. I know he is the one that
I want to be with forever. So. Getting
together while your young can work. You
just have to be patient and try not to get
too serious with it. Allow yourself to
still have fun.
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Lilypad
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Oct 2005 Posts: 1043 Location: Ohio, USA
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