Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 49 Location: Baltimore county
Im New At This...can I Get Some Advice,please... Posted: 10-09-05 13:09pm
Well hello to whoever happens to read
this...My name is samantha and I am 17
years old... I have been dealing with my
eating for about 4-5 months...However I
have always been worried about my weight
for years..I get alot of pressure from my
mom because she is the exact same
way...When I was about 13, I was on the
path to anorexia..Didnt eat much at all..I
was lucky to even get a little bit of
dinner in..Over the summer I becamse very
depressed and isolated myself from my
friends and family..I started to only eat
a salad a day with two diet pills...After
school started back up, I started to eat a
little bit more but I was constantly
throwing up..I was about 125-130 pounds at
5'1...Now I am about 100 and it happened
in like 3-4 months...I feel like I can't
live without having an ed..I am scared to
talk to my mom about it because I dont
want her to make me gain my weight back..I
have told my dad and he didn't do
anything,just yelled at me and that def.
Did not help...I freak out even when I
came a pound or two... I dont purge as
much but lately I seem to be doing a lot
more..I used to do it like 3-4 times a day
almost all week..And now I only do it a
few times a week, usually about once or
twice a day..This whole "idea" came from
me looking up to my best friend who has
been suffering from an eating disorder for
about 5-6 years... And last night I was
over her house adn we threw up an entire
pizza and I was actually bleeding,which
has never happened before..I am not sure
right now if I am anorexic or bulimic...If
my problem is that I dont eat hardly
anything or what I do eat,i throw up?What
should I do?I don't feel like I can keep
hurting myself because I am so tired but
at the same time I feel like this ed is
the only thing I can depend on and it
gives me control..Please can someone give
me advice on what my actual problem
is(anorexia or bulimia) and what should I
do about it...I know the consequences
because I see my bff dealing with it
everyday..So just please just tell me what
you would do...
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inezrina
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 174
Hi Samantha Posted: 10-09-05 18:28pm
I am 19 and have also starved myself taken
diet pills and force vomited. Vomiting
has become my main thing. Bulimics and
anorexics can crossover with behaviors
meaning anorexics can purge and bulimics
can restrict. I think the important
thing to realize is that u have symptoms
of eating disorders and it is scary.
Labels aren't really the important part
but realizing that u r having a problem is
though it can take along time. When I
first sarted to throw up I only did it
like once a month!! And I thought that
is no problem at all problem is it still
caused me emotional pain and and fear and
it isolated me because I couldn't tell
anyone. Also when I intially starved
mysely I did it the 2 weeks before I had
competitions so I could feel good in my
uniform thinking 2 weeks every once in
awhile is no big deal. Well right now I
am taking a nutrition class and I just
learned that it only takes 12 hours of not
eating for your baody to think it is
starving and at that point anything u eat
your body will do its best to turn it to
fat so u have stored energy. That fact
definitely freaked me out. When I
stopped competing and constantly
exercising my fear of gaining weight
increased and my eating disorder got
worse. I am so sorry that u threw up
blood that was one of the scariest things
that ever happened to me. Neither of my
parents know about my ed however I have
now been seeing a therapist that
specializes in eating disorders for 10
months. It was the hardest thing to go
there especially bc I don't do good
talking about myslef in general I thought
I was going to be sick I was so nervous
but I went and the first time I was there
I cried the whole 50 mins but at this
point I still cry the whole time often but
I also enjoy discovering what about me has
made me susceptible to an eating disorder
and also what I like about it and what
fears I have. Anyway take care,
m
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lonely_angel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 128 Location: missouri
Posted: 10-09-05 20:43pm
Hi, I am 15 and have been dealing with an
ed in the exact same way. I started off
the same way and I have been thinking
about getting help. I think it have been
wanting to get help after I had it for 6
months. Now it is a year later and I am
still trying to get to the point were I am
able to get help. A year ago it wasn't
that bad. I still purged but thats the
only thing I did. Now I take diet pills
and try to starve myself. I use to weigh
125 and now I am around 100-104 and maybe
5'1. I really hope that you make the
desicion to get help. I use to just get
depressed and sit there for hours just
wanting to tell my parents but got to
scared. I wanted to get help to but I
have never gotten along to it yet. Now I
am at the stage in my life where I need to
get help. Have you talked to your friend
about getting help or anything. I think
that you can be bulimic and anerexic at
the same time. I had a posts asking that
and I think that they said it was
possible. I hope that you get help.
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Brady88
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 49 Location: Baltimore county
Re: Hi Samantha Posted: 10-15-05 12:45pm
Thank you for answering my questions...Its
nice to know that there are others out
there just like me...I am really glad that
you are doing better....Lately I have been
eating more but I am so terrified..I can't
seem to throw up anymore and it is
freaking me out...I just wish I could
because I can't just give up food anymore
and I really don't want to get fat...Why
can't I throw up anymore?Does this mean I
am going to get better?These past few
weeks have been the hardest I think..I am
going back into my depression state and I
feel like I have gain everything back that
I had lost...And now I am think that I am
such a bad person in everything way..I
seem to have lost to have lost all my
friends and most of all, I feel so
alone...What can I do to stop feeling this
way...?
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Brady88
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 49 Location: Baltimore county
Posted: 10-15-05 12:50pm
This is so weird because I feel like this
is the exact same thing...Nice to know I
can relate to someone...Lately I have been
feeling extra self conscious and very
depressed...I am going back into my state
of depression and I feel so alone...My
good friend knows that I am going through
this but she has too worry about herself
before she can help me...And I feel bad
that I talk to her about it because it is
very hard on her...For these past fews
days I have been eating a lot and I can't
stop...But I also can't throw up anymore
and I am freaking out...I just want to be
able to "get rid" of my food like I did
before but I can't...I have tried to stop
eating but food is so tempting and I keep
thinking, maybe I can t rid of it this
time...Uhh whats wrong with me? And
thanks for responding back...
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lonely_angel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 128 Location: missouri
Posted: 10-16-05 21:56pm
I think that after a while food gets
addicting. That is probably were the
binge eating comes in at. I feel the same
way. I eat so much and I just can't ever
stop it feels like if I eat one thing I
have to eat everything. I do purge but
not everything I can tell. I am in the
same state I feel really consious. I
think it is really weird cause relate in
almost everyway that you talk about in
your post I remeber when I was in your
exact spot and I still am. I don't know
why it gets like that after a while to
were you can't purge. I was like that but
then I learned little tricks. I know how
you feel about getting depressed cause you
ate alot and can't purge. I rember last
year around christmas I had been bulimic
for about 5 months. I wasn't able to
purge anymore I cut myself cause I didn't
know what else to do. I really didn't see
how it helped in anyway though I mean I
still had the weight. It was even
depressing cause it was around x-mas and
the only thing our family does is
celebrate and make awesome foods lol. I
will be here if you wanna talk.....
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inezrina
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 174
Hi... Posted: 10-16-05 22:38pm
I totally know what you mean by feeling
freaked out because you can't purge. For
me it is hard to say when I actaully
became bulimic because for so long I could
only get a little up or none at all it
made me so angry. I wish I could tell
you that not being able to purge will make
you better but I am afraid it doesn't work
like that if you purge to make yourself
feel better you will also find other ways.
It is so doing it complicated it is
crazy.
You are not a bad person believe me though
it may feel impossible to believe know one
who fears being a bad person actually is
one. An eating disorder is very
isolating because it is a secret from most
it becomes an obsession and it is a big
task to deal with that can scare people
away. It sounds like you are thinking
about getting help and you want to feel
better because u r not happy right now.
I think no one with an eating disorder
will get help until they are ready it is
absolutely terrifying and it took me 4
months of thinking about it to actually do
it. Telling parents is hard because
there is so much history and guilt and
blame. I think that a good person to
tell is someone who is older (i ended up
telling my coach) someone who is caring
and wants to support you, your friends due
to their age and lives right now probably
can't support you. Maybe you have a
coach or a teacher or a family friend or
neighbor you can tell. Things they can
do that are helpful are listen give hugs
show continued support let you know they
care and at the point I knew I had to get
help (i was dizzy depressed my face was
swollen) I couldn't call a therapist all I
could do was cry and cry but my coach
called for me.
Let me know how you are doing and what you
think.
Inezrina
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Brady88
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 49 Location: Baltimore county
Posted: 10-17-05 14:22pm
lonely_angel
wrote:
i think that after a while
food gets addicting. That is probably
were the binge eating comes in at. I
feel the same way. I eat so much and I
just can't ever stop it feels like if I
eat one thing I have to eat everything.
I do purge but not everything I can tell.
I am in the same state I feel really
consious. I think it is really weird
cause relate in almost everyway that you
talk about in your post I remeber when I
was in your exact spot and I still am.
I don't know why it gets like that after a
while to were you can't purge. I was
like that but then I learned little
tricks. I know how you feel about
getting depressed cause you ate alot and
can't purge. I rember last year around
christmas I had been bulimic for about 5
months. I wasn't able to purge anymore I
cut myself cause I didn't know what else
to do. I really didn't see how it helped
in anyway though I mean I still had the
weight. It was even depressing cause it
was around x-mas and the only thing our
family does is celebrate and make awesome
foods lol. I will be here if you wanna
talk.....
yes food does get
addicting and I hate it..Its like a
drug....It is so weird, for the past few
weeks I havent been able to get anything
up and I mean nothing unless I drank
something to make me throw up...But
yesturday and today, I ate to the point it
made me feel like I had to get sick...I
felt so horrible but I was so happy so be
able to do it again...It was like release
of everything that has been building up
inside of me for these past fews
weeks...And I missed the feeling,its kinda
of crazy if you actually think of it...I
feel nuts and weird...Oh and I am so
scared because xmas and thanksgiving is
coming up.Ahhh!Lol...Now what do I do
about that...???I just wanna sleep on
those holidays...If you ever wanna talk
you can im me on bromarcusisses....Thanx
for commenting back...
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Brady88
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 49 Location: Baltimore county
Re: Hi... Posted: 10-17-05 14:38pm
This is getting so much more complicating
and confusing...Yesturday and today I have
actually been able to get everything back
up..I have been eating to the point where
I just feel like I have to trhow up..And
the weird thing is, is that its not a lot
at all!Like I had a hotdog and a whole bag
of reesepieces and I just ran to the
bathroom(at the movies) and I had to use a
little help but not much...I felt weird as
caca because I was like excited to be able
to do it again..It was like release of
everything I have been holding inside for
the few weeks I havent been able to
purge...And I have used other ways for
awhile like laxatives..Man they were
horrible..Lol...Lately I have been feeling
like I need help but I really dont believe
I am ready yet to actually approach anyone
and take that step...There is a teacher I
almost told and I know I could talk to her
but I really dont want her to say anything
to my parents....Can they do that,tell me
parents?I feel like I would have to
approach them and I wouldn't want that
coming from a teacher when I was ready for
them to know...But I have been having
crazy mood swings and keep jumping in and
out of depression...I hate that part...Why
does your face get swollen...My face has
gotten much skinnier and my friends say
that it is almost like drawn out...If that
makes any sense...Lol..But honestly its
not the funhouse miror im looking into, my
I really am not that skinny...Like im 5'1
and only like 100-105 pounds...My friend
said it looked weird because I got the
legs and butt(which I lost most of) and my
upper body is so doing it skinny...So I
look unproportional...Im not sure if said
this before but I feel like everyone
thinks im too skinny and I feel im not
skinny enough,i lose either way...
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inezrina
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 174
Samantha Posted: 10-19-05 22:19pm
My internet is down but I wrote you a
reply I really wan to send I may send it
later tonight or tomorrow
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inezrina
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 174
Me Again Posted: 10-19-05 22:40pm
Ok so I get how you would feel glad to be
able to throw up again. I mean I have
been there, the first time I was really
able to get everything up or so I thought
I felt like I had achieved something
great. It is like a relief when you do
it. And yes it is scary you get excited
about throwing up because that isn't how
it is supposed to be but I have been there
too and still am sometimes. I recently
took a trip to europe and didn't throw up
for 2 weeks I was absoolutely dying to get
home so I could do it. It can feel so
good and you crave it. When you r
bulimic your face and neck become swollen
because of the vomiting. The glands on
your neck get swollen and your eyelids get
puffy it isn't pretty. Sometimes your
eyelids can bruise too and I broke a blood
vessel in my eye once it was so
embarassing everyone was asking me what
happened. When u talk about vomiting
being a release that is exactly what it is
a release from many other thangs than just
food for me I had a lot of anxiety and I
felt so self conscoios all the time
trowing up was an escape from me I was
alone and it made me feel good. Anyone
who knows anything about eating disorders
will praise you for getting help and being
brave enough to come forward. I think
that if you tell your teacher they will
not tell your parents they will listen to
you, they will be supportive and help how
they can but they can't force you to do
anything a a teacher is a perfect person
to tell because they know all this they
know it will be hard for you to come
forward and they know not to pressure you.
Tell them how you feel and what steps u
think u can take at the moment if any u
may feel totally trapped. When I first
told a dr I thought I was going to get a
lecture and she would be angry and think I
was dumb but instead she told me how she
knew how hard it was for me to come in and
she took everything really slow and made
sure I was comfortable. About your body,
when u feel the healthiest u will feel the
best about your body that might sound
cheesey and stupid and like something a
therapist would say but I didn't mean it
that way right now I am taking a cardio
class and I feel stronger and I liek my
body better now than I did all summer when
I was throwing up everything I ate.
Inezrina
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Brady88
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 49 Location: Baltimore county
Re: Me Again Posted: 10-25-05 17:37pm
inezrina
wrote:
ok so I get how you would
feel glad to be able to throw up again.
I mean I have been there, the first time I
was really able to get everything up or so
I thought I felt like I had achieved
something great. It is like a relief
when you do it. And yes it is scary you
get excited about throwing up because that
isn't how it is supposed to be but I have
been there too and still am sometimes.
I recently took a trip to europe and
didn't throw up for 2 weeks I was
absoolutely dying to get home so I could
do it. It can feel so good and you
crave it. When you r bulimic your face
and neck become swollen because of the
vomiting. The glands on your neck get
swollen and your eyelids get puffy it
isn't pretty. Sometimes your eyelids
can bruise too and I broke a blood vessel
in my eye once it was so embarassing
everyone was asking me what happened.
When u talk about vomiting being a release
that is exactly what it is a release from
many other thangs than just food for me I
had a lot of anxiety and I felt so self
conscoios all the time trowing up was an
escape from me I was alone and it made me
feel good. Anyone who knows anything
about eating disorders will praise you for
getting help and being brave enough to
come forward. I think that if you tell
your teacher they will not tell your
parents they will listen to you, they will
be supportive and help how they can but
they can't force you to do anything a a
teacher is a perfect person to tell
because they know all this they know it
will be hard for you to come forward and
they know not to pressure you. Tell
them how you feel and what steps u think u
can take at the moment if any u may feel
totally trapped. When I first told a dr
I thought I was going to get a lecture and
she would be angry and think I was dumb
but instead she told me how she knew how
hard it was for me to come in and she took
everything really slow and made sure I was
comfortable. About your body, when u
feel the healthiest u will feel the best
about your body that might sound cheesey
and stupid and like something a therapist
would say but I didn't mean it that way
right now I am taking a cardio class and I
feel stronger and I liek my body better
now than I did all summer when I was
throwing up everything I ate.
Inezrina
finally someone who gets me a little
more...Lol...Well about a week ago, I had
like amental breakdown in school and I
told that teacher I was going to talk to
and she let me know that she was already
aware and that I should go to the
counselor...So I went to the counselor and
she let me know that one of my peers went
down to her saying they were concerned and
apparently another teacher went downt ot
the nurse letting them know I had a huge
weight loss...So I feel like everyone is
catching on...The counselor is going to be
talkign to my dad(who already knows) and I
am going to be seeing a therapist or
whatever...But I have been really good
about getting sick...See my bff is now
getting help and is ina clinic for about 2
weeks so I have no one to talk to or
anything...So all weekend(4 day weekend) I
just sat around and ate...I gained a few
pounds and freaked so today I havent eaten
anything...Im going on my one a day salad
diets...Ahh this is goign to be so
hard...I just cant purge anymore,tires me
out so bad and my throat has been killing
me...I feel like I have just made it up in
my mind I have a problem...I told my
boyfriend and everything adn he seemed
understanding but then he asks me later on
if I just "thought" I had a problem or
whatever..I mean do bulimics or anorexics
just eat soemtimes and not purge or do
something to get rid of it...?I did that
this weekend and if I had a problem
wouldnt I try and try until I could throw
up...?And now I got people who are making
rude comments about it..Like my brother
must have overheard me adn he called me
bulimic white trash and asked if tehse
were the fingers I used to stick down my
throat..And then you got this boy who
assumes I have a problem and tellls me to
stick my figners down my throat...Uhg im
just all confused...People are so
cruel...And right now I am always
depressed and feel sooo alone its not even
funny...No one evens calls me
anymore,maybe they know that food and
weight is all ill talk about....Got any
advice?????????????
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inezrina
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 174
Posted: 10-28-05 19:44pm
O people are cruel I am so sorry about
that some people don't understand in the
slightest I also feel like it is too bad
that for example this teacher didn't offer
to go and talk to the counselor with you.
It is very important to have some support
because aking steps like seeing a
therapist or telling anyone is so scary,
so scary in fact that it seems impossible.
Ok I don't know if it will be any good
me saying this because it is all the point
the point u r at I think u r still in
denial which is ok it is one of the steps
sometimes bulimics don't binge or purge
sometimes the binge and don't purge
sometimes they eat little and purge. See
an eating disorder is about a lot of
things like maybe u don't have symptoms
like restricitng or binging or purging but
u r obsessed with food. I think you have
a problem and it is causing pain to you
guilt physical pain fear. Let me tell
you about me I was totally obsessed with
dieting and I lost weight at different
time only two times when I really lost a
lot of weight other than that for the 10
years I have had my eating disorder I have
been at a healthy weight when my coach was
trying to convince me I had a problem and
I needed help I was liek no I have some
issues with food but no eating disorder I
am normal weight. Well turns out bulimcs
can be any weight really over under normal
and the criteris for having an eating
disorde the whole purging atleast twice a
week for some amount of weeks thta is
bullsh*t if you decide to go tot he
extremeof purging any time there is a
problem that needs to be acknowledged and
taken care of. Sorry if this makes no
sense. My advice is do what u know is
right and best for yourself and ignore
everyone who doens't help you. And if
you need someone to talk to I am here and
you can write me as much as u like I am
also feeling incredibly alone.
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Brady88
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 49 Location: Baltimore county
Posted: 11-08-05 18:32pm
Well thak you for understanding...Well I
feel like everyone is saying all this
stuff about how much I need help and how I
need to stop, but no one is giving any
initiative to help...May I ask you how you
mean I might still be in denial?Does it
look like I feel like I am okay?Like in my
mind its like I know that this is not
normal to think and make sucha big deal
over just food....And like I know when I
get sick that isnt right either, but its
almost like it will just go away in time
or soemthing or like maybe I can tkae care
of myself...Its almost like I want this
disorder in a way, it helps me(control)
and I know it sounds so bad but it is a
way to get people to actually notice
me...Its almost like I like the attention,
even if its maybe not the best...May I ask
you how you have delt with it and
experienced yourself with this whole
"situation"?? I know it sounds weird and
crazy but its like im obssessed with the
whole fact of an eating disorder, I wanna
know all about it and how I can relate to
it...Well I have to go but if it is easier
to talk you may im me on
bromarcusisses....Well thanks for all your
support...
P.S. Feel free to also talk about whats
on your mind...How do you feel alone
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inezrina
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 174
Posted: 11-13-05 21:05pm
Hi, sorry it took me so long to write...
2 weeks ago I got really depressed and
started to hate everything about myself so
I decided I was going to starve myself and
binge and purge until I felt better about
myself or I was put in the hospital or I
died. I am still on this rampage but I
am feeling a little better. Ia m just
really lonely and so sick of my llife.
I don't know if u are in denial or not
though getting on here and writing about
your ed is a good step I don't really know
what I meant by u being in denial I am
sorry if it offended u I just know there r
a lot of different steps to changing and
we all have to go thropugh all of them.
I know what u mean about wanting attention
it ios still something I haven't admitted
to my therapist but I want attentiona nd I
want help and I want people to care.
Have you been talking to your school
counselor?
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Brady88
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 49 Location: Baltimore county
Posted: 11-17-05 18:31pm
I am really sorry to hear that you feel
that way about yourself..For you just to
talk to me makes you a good person and im
glad that you always comment back with
your opinion...I really can relate because
I have been really bad with the whole ed
thing right now..I actually almost
bloacked out today or soetmhing cuz I felt
so weird because I havent really been
eating at like all and what little I do
eat, I trhow it back up...Uhm good news
though...I went to another counselor who
wanted to talk to me awhile because the
nurse at school was concerned but she had
heard I talked to the other counselor who
I approached...But anyways I told her that
I did have a problem and she set up an
appointment with a specialist and said
that she wanted to do it right away
because on a scale of 1-10(10 being the
worst)she thought I was about an 8 or
9...She said I look healthy but she is
concerned about my mental state...She
thinks I am really depressed and wants me
to talk to someone and she said later down
the road I might have to go to an eating
disorder clinic...I feel likei kinda wanna
be sick....Its like a comfort or
something..I told the school counselor
that I feel like im making it up or like
its not big enough to make such a big deal
about it and she reassured me that is was
a problem and that I am not making this
up....But deep down I am like paranoid she
thinks im lying..I feel like everyone is
lying to me about the whole issue...Ahh,
it sucks...I really dont think talking to
a therapist is really going to help though
because I have talked to people and its
not a release...I can talk about, but its
like not going away...And my depresseion
feels like its getting stronger...I feel
liek I jsut want this too kill me so all
the people that have made fun of this or
stabbed me in the back will get a reality
check..Or I jsut wanna get so sick that
they all have pity and can feel
guilty...Am I crazy??Lol...I really think
im getting there...Oh and I wrote my mom a
letter explaning id be better at my dads
and told her I think I had a problem with
my eating but I am jsut too scared to give
it too her...And I feel like everyone
knows about my ed(if thats what this is)
and there are so many rumors about it
going around...Man word gets around fast,
and even when I didnt tell like
anybody...Got a ? For you...Does
depression cause an eating disorder or
does an eating disorder cause
depression...It jsut seemed like the
counselor was more worried and made it
seem like my depression was bigger than
the ed...Idk..Well sorry this email is
confusing and just everywhere...But jsut
write back when you get a chance...Thanx..
P.S.And everytime you feel like you wanna
jsut give up, just think of the people who
care about you and how much you help
others like me!Lol...I dont know if you
are a christian or not, but you should try
and pray about it...It might make you feel
better:-)
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Brady88
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 49 Location: Baltimore county
Posted: 11-17-05 18:31pm
I am really sorry to hear that you feel
that way about yourself..For you just to
talk to me makes you a good person and im
glad that you always comment back with
your opinion...I really can relate because
I have been really bad with the whole ed
thing right now..I actually almost
bloacked out today or soetmhing cuz I felt
so weird because I havent really been
eating at like all and what little I do
eat, I trhow it back up...Uhm good news
though...I went to another counselor who
wanted to talk to me awhile because the
nurse at school was concerned but she had
heard I talked to the other counselor who
I approached...But anyways I told her that
I did have a problem and she set up an
appointment with a specialist and said
that she wanted to do it right away
because on a scale of 1-10(10 being the
worst)she thought I was about an 8 or
9...She said I look healthy but she is
concerned about my mental state...She
thinks I am really depressed and wants me
to talk to someone and she said later down
the road I might have to go to an eating
disorder clinic...I feel likei kinda wanna
be sick....Its like a comfort or
something..I told the school counselor
that I feel like im making it up or like
its not big enough to make such a big deal
about it and she reassured me that is was
a problem and that I am not making this
up....But deep down I am like paranoid she
thinks im lying..I feel like everyone is
lying to me about the whole issue...Ahh,
it sucks...I really dont think talking to
a therapist is really going to help though
because I have talked to people and its
not a release...I can talk about, but its
like not going away...And my depresseion
feels like its getting stronger...I feel
liek I jsut want this too kill me so all
the people that have made fun of this or
stabbed me in the back will get a reality
check..Or I jsut wanna get so sick that
they all have pity and can feel
guilty...Am I crazy??Lol...I really think
im getting there...Oh and I wrote my mom a
letter explaning id be better at my dads
and told her I think I had a problem with
my eating but I am jsut too scared to give
it too her...And I feel like everyone
knows about my ed(if thats what this is)
and there are so many rumors about it
going around...Man word gets around fast,
and even when I didnt tell like
anybody...Got a ? For you...Does
depression cause an eating disorder or
does an eating disorder cause
depression...It jsut seemed like the
counselor was more worried and made it
seem like my depression was bigger than
the ed...Idk..Well sorry this email is
confusing and just everywhere...But jsut
write back when you get a chance...Thanx..
P.S.And everytime you feel like you wanna
jsut give up, just think of the people who
care about you and how much you help
others like me!Lol...I dont know if you
are a christian or not, but you should try
and pray about it...It might make you feel
better:-)
|
inezrina
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 174
Posted: 11-18-05 00:05am
I am glad you talked to a different
counselor it sounds like this one is
really wanting to help. And that is
positive.
Thanks for the kind words it made me feel
good. Today sucked I was supposed to get
these packages from my friend in europe
and I was really excited to see what she
sent and then I found out that the post
office sent them back because only my
roommates name is on the box. It was
weird because I have gotten other mail but
not the packages anyway I totally lost it
I went straight to the store and bought
icecreama nd then came home and seriously
like threw a fit I was just so looking
forward tot he packages and now they are
on there way back.
To answer your question I am not sure what
comes first the eating disorder or the
depression. I guess it depends some
though I think I was depressed first
though I didn't realize it. When I was
little I really looked forward to events
to make me happy and then was often
disappointed and I also had a lot of
anxieties when I was 6 I went to my
cousin's wedding and they rode a
rollercoaster after the ceremony and I
feared I wouldn't ever be brave enough to
go on a rollercoaster. Ok they story
made no sense but I think I was depressed
first I was always unhappy with my body
especially my stomach because I had an
outty belly button and I hated it.
I am really impressed by your honesty.
You have said some things I feel like I
have needed to say out loud and to my
therapist for a long time. I think I
want to be sick as well I don't want to
deal with life anymore I want to just be
to sick to live I also want people to care
about me and take care of me. I feel as
though I have tried to have an eating
disorder like for so long I thought it was
all my decidsion and I shoudl be able to
stop it because it was something I wanted
I wanted to have an eating disorder. I
also had so much anger at people who hurt
me so I also wanted to show them. You
are not crazy at all it is just that we r
both trying to get what we need.
That is great to u wrote a letter for your
mom even if she never reads it it is a
good step and now that u have written it
down maybe it will come out easier at
another time.
Inezrina
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Brady88
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 49 Location: Baltimore county
Posted: 11-28-05 19:38pm
Oh my godch!!I have big news to tell you
and I dont know how I should feel right
now...Well I talked to my therapist and he
asked me how my eating was and I told him
I havent really been eating like anything
and today I threw up a crap load of
food...And he told me I have to go to st
josephs(hospital) for eating disorders...I
started crying cuz I am so scared...I dont
think I am that bad to where I have to go
to extremes....Plus I dont want to get fat
cuz I seee my friend in recovery and she
is starting to put on pounds and I dont
want that...Plus once my ed is gone,what
am I elft with?Still no friends,a caca
family who hates me, and nothing going for
me...Omg I am so scared...I am going to
relapse..I dont want help anymore....I
jsut want to hold onto it...I have never
felt so mad about soemthing like this....I
know I can handle it...If I could get the
depression away,then id be fine...I am
just going to lie and pretend im
eating...I went to my counselor to just
talk about it, and then she sent me to the
therapist,and thats oaky too but now they
want to see a nutrionist and
specialist...Oh no,this is not
right...Please right me back,i am so
scared and yet so pissed off at what they
are doing, taking this away from me..I was
fine at first and okay and wanted to get
rid of it but now I dont want the help I
wanna take it all back
:cry: sam
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inezrina
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2005 Posts: 174
Posted: 11-28-05 20:24pm
O my god I can't believe he said that I
don't get it I mean unless you have been
to a Dr. And they say that you are not
healthy enough to be an outpatient there
is no reason for you to go to the hospital
because he tells u to. I mean it really
has to be partly your decision to go there
or else it will do nothing I don't think
it was smart of him to say that at all
like you said you will just lie. For the
longesat time I was afraid to tell my very
worst thoughts to my therapist because I
was afraid she would send me to a hospital
but at this point I have told her I have
felt suicidal and I have told her I have
been throwing up a minimum if 2 times a
day and right now we agree I need more
help so in a way I am in the smae place in
2 weeks once finals r over I am either
goignto have to see a therapist 2 or
threee times a week or go in to a
residential program because my eating is
out of control but it is my choice.
Sorry I went off on that. I totally
understand u being scared I mean what if
the hospital is like torture that is what
I fear that I will hate it and still be
bored and lonely and I am so bad at
talking to therapists I just cry. If
right now what u have to do is lie to him
I understand that if u aren't ready to go
into a hospital then u aren't I am not
ready to do it my parents don't even know
how sick am I spent the last 5 days at
there house and threw up time after time
and they have no idea. Maybe this
therapist is not a good match do u like
him otherwise? Have you found him
helpful? Do u like going there? Ok I
have to go to class I write u later.
Inezrina
