I Have Cancer, And I Cant Deal Anymore Posted: 10-15-05 17:28pm
This is way too surreal. I dunno where to
begin. Ive been browsing some forums and
you guys seem mature enough to handle
these matters. And please dont ridicule
me for this. The mental abuse I put
myself through in my opinion is worse then
the physical. So please refrain from
telling me how stupid can even begin to
describe me. I dont expect replies; ive
been living w/ this for 4 years almost and
I need to get it off my chest somehow.
I guess I started noticing in 8th grade
that I had lumps in both my breasts. By
the time my freshman physical came around
I cried for my mom not to take me to the
doctor because I was scared she was going
to find out I have cancer. I looked at
the doctor as the enemy instead of the
cancer. Im weak, a coward, and for a
while in denial of it all. Well I made it
through the physical w/ out anyone
knowing. I denied it. I thought im way
too young I cant have breast cancer. So I
never told anyone.
Middle of freshman year I started feeling
a pain in my jaw, as well as a couple
lumps on the side. I started feeling
tingling at different parts of my body
here and there. Now im a senior in
highschool, and the cancer has spread from
my feet to my head. I can feel little
lumps and on the side of my head and every
now and then some tingling. I see spots.
I dont plan on telling anyone because I
figure its too late. The cancer is so
advanced I know theres nothing any doctor
can do to save me, so why put my family
through the months (days? Weeks? Years?)
that I have left to live. I just wish I
could go back and change everything. I
guess what hurts the most is knowing im
not going to grow up, get married, have
kids, grow old with someone I love. I had
1 b/f for about a month, and I knew I
couldnt let it go on any longer. All we
did was makeout. How the f**k would I be
able to go any farther?
I think I have diabetes. I dunno if thats
caused from the cancer or not? I have
these bumps on my legs, that feel kinda
like mosquito bites. They itch and havent
really healed. I looked this up on the
internet and I think theyre leg ulcers
cause from diab. I have mild depression
and anxiety. I constantly think about
death. I cant believe I let it get this
far. I guess sometimes im still kind of
in denial. I just wish I knew how long I
had to live. Im scared im going to have a
stroke or seizure or heart attack or
something. I always think about the day I
die, how upset everyones going to be, all
the unanswered questions. But whats the
point in saying anything now?
The bottom part of my stomach seems kind
of swollen. Like no matter how hard I
suck it in it still sticks out. Sometimes
my heart palpitates and I think im going,
but maybe its from stress. The bottom of
my eyes are a little yellow. It seems to
have gone away but itll prolly come back.
Sometimes I think about killing myself
cause its too much to handle. Sometimes I
dont feel affected by this and sometimes
it hits me real hard, like I have doing it
cancer. Im going to die from this. I
never told anybody. Had I told my doctor
freshman year I could have been alive. I
feel tumors on the bones of my arms and
legs, and lower back. Sometimes I get
sharp pain in my head and I pray to god I
make it another day.
I am mentally addicted to pot. It helps
me be in a better mood. I love the stuff.
But when I smoke by myself sometimes I
get so depressed all I can think about is
death and I shut everyone away. I snap at
everyone on the littlest things and I know
why. Im sure ill delete this post or not
post on here again. I just need
someone/anyone to know. Its been about 4
years that ive lived with this and its
killin me. I also have hair on my thighs
and lower back. I dunno if this has
something to do with my hormones? Or the
cancer? I dunno.
I cant deal anymore. Ive kept this in. I
dunno what else to say.
If you feel a lump or think somethings
wrong dont waste your time posting on here
about it. Go to a doctor! Listen to your
body. The only real comfort youll get by
knowing that its nothing to worry about is
by dealing with it. I just wish I knew
how long I had to live.
I guess thats all
|
samsam
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Oct 2005 Posts: 2 Location: manchester
Re: I Have Cancer, And I Cant Deal Anymore Posted: 10-15-05 19:10pm
tiredofthis
wrote:
this is way too surreal. I
dunno where to begin. Ive been browsing
some forums and you guys seem mature
enough to handle these matters. And
please dont ridicule me for this. The
mental abuse I put myself through in my
opinion is worse then the physical. So
please refrain from telling me how stupid
can even begin to describe me. I dont
expect replies; ive been living w/ this
for 4 years almost and I need to get it
off my chest somehow.
I guess I started noticing in 8th grade
that I had lumps in both my breasts. By
the time my freshman physical came around
I cried for my mom not to take me to the
doctor because I was scared she was going
to find out I have cancer. I looked at
the doctor as the enemy instead of the
cancer. Im weak, a coward, and for a
while in denial of it all. Well I made
it through the physical w/ out anyone
knowing. I denied it. I thought im way
too young I cant have breast cancer. So
I never told anyone.
Middle of freshman year I started feeling
a pain in my jaw, as well as a couple
lumps on the side. I started feeling
tingling at different parts of my body
here and there. Now im a senior in
highschool, and the cancer has spread from
my feet to my head. I can feel little
lumps and on the side of my head and every
now and then some tingling. I see spots.
I dont plan on telling anyone because I
figure its too late. The cancer is so
advanced I know theres nothing any doctor
can do to save me, so why put my family
through the months (days? Weeks?
Years?) that I have left to live. I just
wish I could go back and change
everything. I guess what hurts the most
is knowing im not going to grow up, get
married, have kids, grow old with someone
I love. I had 1 b/f for about a month,
and I knew I couldnt let it go on any
longer. All we did was makeout. How
the f**k would I be able to go any
farther?
I think I have diabetes. I dunno if
thats caused from the cancer or not? I
have these bumps on my legs, that feel
kinda like mosquito bites. They itch and
havent really healed. I looked this up
on the internet and I think theyre leg
ulcers cause from diab. I have mild
depression and anxiety. I constantly
think about death. I cant believe I let
it get this far. I guess sometimes im
still kind of in denial. I just wish I
knew how long I had to live. Im scared
im going to have a stroke or seizure or
heart attack or something. I always
think about the day I die, how upset
everyones going to be, all the unanswered
questions. But whats the point in saying
anything now?
The bottom part of my stomach seems kind
of swollen. Like no matter how hard I
suck it in it still sticks out.
Sometimes my heart palpitates and I think
im going, but maybe its from stress. The
bottom of my eyes are a little yellow.
It seems to have gone away but itll prolly
come back.
Sometimes I think about killing myself
cause its too much to handle. Sometimes
I dont feel affected by this and sometimes
it hits me real hard, like I have doing it
cancer. Im going to die from this. I
never told anybody. Had I told my doctor
freshman year I could have been alive. I
feel tumors on the bones of my arms and
legs, and lower back. Sometimes I get
sharp pain in my head and I pray to god I
make it another day.
I am mentally addicted to pot. It helps
me be in a better mood. I love the
stuff. But when I smoke by myself
sometimes I get so depressed all I can
think about is death and I shut everyone
away. I snap at everyone on the littlest
things and I know why. Im sure ill
delete this post or not post on here
again. I just need someone/anyone to
know. Its been about 4 years that ive
lived with this and its killin me. I
also have hair on my thighs and lower
back. I dunno if this has something to
do with my hormones? Or the cancer? I
dunno.
I cant deal anymore. Ive kept this in.
I dunno what else to say.
If you feel a lump or think somethings
wrong dont waste your time posting on here
about it. Go to a doctor! Listen to
your body. The only real comfort youll
get by knowing that its nothing to worry
about is by dealing with it. I just wish
I knew how long I had to live.
I guess thats
all
|
samsam
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Oct 2005 Posts: 2 Location: manchester
Posted: 10-15-05 19:14pm
Hi there, im new on here, and ive just
come across you story and read it. Im so
sorry to hear what u have, my heart goes
out to you so much.
I feel in life that you have to be postive
about things, and belive that things are
going to be ok. Be strong about all this
because where theres a will theres a way.
I hope that this message gets to you,
would be nice top hear from you. Take
care samxxxxxx
|
nursechick
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Oct 2005 Posts: 31 Location: Indiana
Posted: 10-15-05 20:34pm
You dont know for sure if its cancer honey
please please get yourself to a doctor
dont you think the shock of dropping dead
out of the blue one day will be much
harder on your family than them knowing
something could be wrong with you and
allowing them to mentally prepare
themselves in case god forbid you do
die???????? Please see a doctor asap you
could go with out your family knowing its
called hippa privacy law please go ps
have you lost any weight???? Please write
back you are to young to deal with this
stress by yourself
good luck , heather
|
tiredofthis
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Oct 2005 Posts: 3
Posted: 10-16-05 19:54pm
:/ im glad you guys arent being mean about
this. I thought itd go a differ. Way. I
do feel better talking about it though.
It is some relief
sam-thanks but dont feel sorry for me! I
did this to myself. Who the hell doesnt
tell anyone they think they have cancer,
then let it drag on this far?!!! Its
absurd that im even talking about this! I
have to be the only person in the world
dumb (or scared) enough not to say
anything. This is when it hits me, when I
realize its not some disease or emotional
problem its cancer. Its my life!!!
Nursechick-"you dont know for sure if its
cancer" oh I know its cancer. Now that
its spread I can feel lumps (or tumors or
whatever) in just about every part of my
body. A normal person doesnt have that.
"get yourself to a doctor dont you think
the shock of dropping dead out of the blue
one day will be much harder on your family
than them knowing something could be wrong
with you and allowing them to mentally
prepare themselves in case god forbid you
do die????????"
getting to a doctor wont change anything.
I cant describe the pain of knowing how
much im going to hurt my family. I keep
thinking my moms going to walk in one
morning thinking ive overslept for school
or something and ill be gone. Thats my
worst fear. Im 17 years old I most likely
wont make it till next year??
+ seeing a doctor makes it all the more
real. Like I want to hear "it is cancer
and you dont have long to live" or however
long he'll tell me I have. I just want to
make it through the holidays. I cant do
it. I think about it all the time, seeing
a doctor but I cant bring myself to do it.
I did try one time. I had a horrible
cold. I couldnt keep myself from coughing
every 2 mintues. And my stomach/chest
area felt weird. I dunno I thought it was
spreading to my lymph notes or something.
So I begged my mom to take me to the er
and once I got her out of the room and the
doctor asked is there anything you want to
tell me all I could ask was for a note to
get out of swimming for school because I
didnt want to be seen in a suit in front
of everyone. So I never told her. They
took some chest xrays and it was just a
bad "viral infection." then I came home
and it was gone a week later.
I also one night woke up from the worst
stomach pain in my entire life. It wasnt
just a stomach ache it was different; felt
like someone stabbed me repeatedly with a
knife or something. Every single night
for 3 weeks I woke up at the exact same
time, 3 am. And had this pain until about
3 or 4 in the afternoon. Then it went
away and id always dread going to sleep
cause I knew id wake up at this time.
Thats when I first thought about k***ing
myself the pain was too freakin
unbearable. I didnt know if it was a
stomach ulcer or the cancer or what.But
for some reason my mom wouldnt take me to
the hospital she kept telling me I was
over reacting (considering she didnt know
how much in pain I was) and it went away.
But if I ever feel that again im def.
Going to e.R. Now that I can drive
myself
and no im not losing any weight which I
think is kind of weird. I wish I were!!
For a while I used food as a good comfort
and gained some weight. I weigh like, I
dunno 150 or something, and im really
dieting/working out to lose it now
realizing im only using food as a comfort.
And I know im obviously not a doctor or
anything and I cant really diagnose myself
with anything but I have just about every
symptom of borderline personality
disorder, which I know the cause is the
cancer. Its the cause of all my problems.
But I dont feel like talking anymore so
im gonna go
|
nursechick
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Oct 2005 Posts: 31 Location: Indiana
Posted: 10-16-05 22:06pm
Ok 9 times out of 10 patients with
advanced cancer like you think you have
will have a major wieght loss unless they
are on steriods but best of luck to you
also have you considered counciling???????
|
noreneol
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Oct 2005 Posts: 6
Your Cancer Posted: 10-22-05 03:17am
tiredofthis
wrote:
:/ im glad you guys arent
being mean about this. I thought itd go
a differ. Way. I do feel better
talking about it though. It is some
relief
sam-thanks but dont feel sorry for me! I
did this to myself. Who the hell doesnt
tell anyone they think they have cancer,
then let it drag on this far?!!! Its
absurd that im even talking about this!
I have to be the only person in the world
dumb (or scared) enough not to say
anything. This is when it hits me, when
I realize its not some disease or
emotional problem its cancer. Its my
life!!!
Nursechick-"you dont know for sure if its
cancer" oh I know its cancer. Now that
its spread I can feel lumps (or tumors or
whatever) in just about every part of my
body. A normal person doesnt have
that.
"get yourself to a doctor dont you think
the shock of dropping dead out of the blue
one day will be much harder on your family
than them knowing something could be wrong
with you and allowing them to mentally
prepare themselves in case god forbid you
do die????????"
getting to a doctor wont change anything.
I cant describe the pain of knowing how
much im going to hurt my family. I keep
thinking my moms going to walk in one
morning thinking ive overslept for school
or something and ill be gone. Thats my
worst fear. Im 17 years old I most
likely wont make it till next year??
+ seeing a doctor makes it all the more
real. Like I want to hear "it is cancer
and you dont have long to live" or however
long he'll tell me I have. I just want
to make it through the holidays. I cant
do it. I think about it all the time,
seeing a doctor but I cant bring myself to
do it.
I did try one time. I had a horrible
cold. I couldnt keep myself from
coughing every 2 mintues. And my
stomach/chest area felt weird. I dunno I
thought it was spreading to my lymph notes
or something. So I begged my mom to take
me to the er and once I got her out of the
room and the doctor asked is there
anything you want to tell me all I could
ask was for a note to get out of swimming
for school because I didnt want to be seen
in a suit in front of everyone. So I
never told her. They took some chest
xrays and it was just a bad "viral
infection." then I came home and it was
gone a week later.
I also one night woke up from the worst
stomach pain in my entire life. It wasnt
just a stomach ache it was different; felt
like someone stabbed me repeatedly with a
knife or something. Every single night
for 3 weeks I woke up at the exact same
time, 3 am. And had this pain until
about 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Then it
went away and id always dread going to
sleep cause I knew id wake up at this
time. Thats when I first thought about
k***ing myself the pain was too freakin
unbearable. I didnt know if it was a
stomach ulcer or the cancer or what.But
for some reason my mom wouldnt take me to
the hospital she kept telling me I was
over reacting (considering she didnt know
how much in pain I was) and it went away.
But if I ever feel that again im def.
Going to e.R. Now that I can drive
myself
and no im not losing any weight which I
think is kind of weird. I wish I were!!
For a while I used food as a good comfort
and gained some weight. I weigh like, I
dunno 150 or something, and im really
dieting/working out to lose it now
realizing im only using food as a comfort.
And I know im obviously not a doctor or
anything and I cant really diagnose myself
with anything but I have just about every
symptom of borderline personality
disorder, which I know the cause is the
cancer. Its the cause of all my
problems. But I dont feel like talking
anymore so im gonna
go
hi there...I just wanted to know how you
are doing.I too have undiagnosed
cancer..At least I think it is.I won't go
into detail because it's too complicated
but I go to find out results of my tests
next week.
You should at least tell your
family..Prepare them.At least try to talk
to them.They love you...How would you like
it if they didn't prepare you for
something like this? Wouldn't you be
devastated?You owe them that much.Just put
yourself in their place.
I will keep you in my thoughts and pray
for you.Hope to hear from you.
God bless,
n.Y.
|
freakyfayze
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Dec 2005 Posts: 1
Thank You So Much! Posted: 12-17-05 11:09am
Im soooo sorry about what happened to you,
but thank you so much...For I have found a
lump, and I am so scared to tell anyone.
But after reading your comments, you have
saved me.
I know what I must do, and i'm so so sorry
that you did not do the same.
It's the most strange thing, I have been
worring for weeks about it, praying for it
to go away, hoping it is nothing...Then
today, I switch on the computer to do some
r.E homework, and what should
happen...Your comment comes up on my
screen, like a mirical.
Although I don't want to tell my parents,
I know now I must, before it is too late,
but the worst strange thing is you said in
your writting that you are now 17 and it
happened 4 years ago. I am 13, like you
where, in the same persistion. Is this
fate? If I hadn't read your comment I
would of sat in silence. Thank you. You
don't know how glad I am you have said
something.
If you are to die, know that you have not
died in vain, and that you, may have saved
a little girls life.
I promise you I shall tell someone, before
it is too late...
|
Susan King
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Aug 2005 Posts: 8 Location: Liberty, Missouri
Tired of Dealing With It Posted: 12-19-05 08:38am
I just don't understand why you haven't
gone to a doctor to find out what exactly
it is you have. You don't have to assume
it is cancer, there are a million medical
explanations for what you have. Go to a
doctor and get a diagnosis, so who cares
if it takes a few weeks of tests and blood
work, at least you will know what it is.
I never felt anything, no pain, no lumps,
nothing, and on my 40th birthday I had a
double mastectomy, cancer had completely
taken over my left breast and benign lumps
were found in my right. I want to be
around for my husband, I want to be around
for my children, I want to be around for
my parents, I want to grow old and see my
grandchildren, and I plan on fighting this
with everything I have. If you had
enough guts to post this message you
definitely have enough guts to go to the
doctor and see if you really do have
cancer. Cancer isn't something that you
just sit around and wait for, it is
something you fight with everything you
have. Fight, get up and go to a doctor,
tell your parents and let them help you,
and post your positive reply soon!!!
|
menomom
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jan 2006 Posts: 7 Location: wisconsin
Posted: 01-12-06 09:22am
Mind over matter........Works both ways.
Everybody could sit and pick apart every
lump, pain and itch and assume the worst.
Nothing better than confirmation from a
professional. Many times I have gone in
thinking I was having a heart attack or
that I had some disease only to be
relieved that it was only acid reflux
(knowing that now... I haven't had any
symptoms since) or that I maybe had a
reaction to a medication.
You can also be like susan and say you are
going to fight it. I made a pact with god
a long time ago that I am going to live to
85 and he could throw anything at me. He
has thrown a lot....And he keeps on
throwing....But every time he does......I
put up more bricks.
I have toooooooo much to do and I am only
47. I have grandchildren to meet and
projects to do.
Go to the doctor and get confirmation.
You say that you don't want your parents
to find you not breathing....Is it because
you don't want to see their reaction?
Your parents have been through more than
you have....They are pretty "bendable".
Give it a try. Let everybody know whether
you do or don't. Be kind to your body and
your mind. Have a good life!
|
sherry24
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Apr 2006 Posts: 188 Location: indiana
Please Go Get Help!!! Posted: 05-15-06 08:37am
How can you put yourself through this???
You've said you think you have cancer,
right? For four years??? Don't you
think you should go get checked out??? I
think its all in your head. You make
yourself feel like that. I kinda was the
same way. But I sucked it up, went to
the doc's, and explained to them what was
going on. Turns out that it was from my
tmj. You can sit there and say oh, i'm
going to die tomorrow. Or will tonight
be the last night I see or talk to my
loved ones? I'm sorry for saying this
but thats stupid. Quit it. Why torment
yourself anymore, just go to the doctors,
let them help you, cuz it seems to me that
its more of a mental situation. Do you
really want your parents to find you, and
blame themselves for what happened?
Please go get checked out, it could all
be in your head.
|
sherry24
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Apr 2006 Posts: 188 Location: indiana
Posted: 06-06-06 17:12pm
Hey I just wanted to know if your still
there. Are you okay??
|
Heather Faith
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jun 2006 Posts: 4 Location: Australia
You Can Do It. Posted: 06-10-06 21:49pm
Hello, i'm new to this game and I have
breast cancer her2. Which is a very
aggressive type of cancer and genetic.
I have been to hell and back, with six
months of chemo and then 6 weeks of
radiation treament every day. I won't
begin to tell you how sick chemo makes you
feel, or how radiation burns your skin.
I would do this all over again if I have
to, and again and again.
My life is precious to me and I hope to
many people.
Don't give up.......Join the amazons club
(they also only had one breast).
There are people all around you who are
dying to help you..You just have to put
your hand out.
Walk in love and in the light.......There
are others out there who do care.
|
koa
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Aug 2006 Posts: 63
Hello Posted: 08-06-06 21:12pm
Hi there I was reading your story and I am
very bothered. I feel for you, but what
I don't understand is why you havn't ever
told anyone or even taken yourself to the
Dr. You don't know for sure that it is
cancer and I am very worried about you.
You need to go to the Dr. I know you are
making yourself crazy thinking that it is
for sure cancer, but you don't know for
sure. You need to know because if it is
something else not life threatening than
you will feel like you wasted all your
high school days worrying about something
that wasn't even worth it. Please do
yourself a favor and go and if you don't
want to tell your parents than don't but
if it is cancer than they have the right
to know about their own daughters health.
Please get help! If you ever need to
talk you can talk to me...I don't know you
but I am here for you!!
|
abby aka jordz
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Feb 2007 Posts: 2 Location: lost
First Signs.. Is Wen U First Notice That Scary Lump Posted: 02-05-07 07:54am
I cant remember wen the first time I
notice the lump on my left shoulder at
first I thought it was coz my bra straps
were too tight .. I dunno.. But for the
first few months I just ignored it, this
is what I call.. The first stage.
Denial... U say well its a lump maybe it
just dissappear in a few days.. Or maybe
it can be cancerous but "no way no one
died of cancer in my family, so im in the
safe zone" all I know now that I just got
out of hospital today is that.. I noticed
this lump over 7yrs ago and I like other
woman. Became ignorant, and think that
ders no way im gna die from cancer.
Well hello.. My name is gail short for
abigail ( meanning joys of the fathers
heart) my parents are both gone my mom now
just passed a year on friday 2nd of feb
2007 I finally was scheduled for my
surgery. I considered whether or not I
would take this chance since I knew
already what I had... I spoke to someone
who meant alot to me, infact he was my
only lifeline, and he gave me the will to
go thru this, even tho he was oceans
apart, his voice made me feel I could get
thru this coz I had a reason to live a
little longer just maybe enuff time to
undo what I had done and for this I went
under the knife and had it removed
thinking it would only be a hour or so.
2 hours later I was also having the left
side of my ovary removed cancer had spread
chances no longer existed, I had left it
too long cancelled aptmts after aptmts ..
I asked myself " did they get it all?" ..
Well they like to think they have..
Until.. One day near.. U notice another
lump.. The vomiting increases, the lack
of food all these months has a reason
behind it now, the nuasea I can sit by now
and tell myself.. These were the reasons
why you were getting sick.. Why you were
depressed, why you were stressed all the
time... And why wanting to die was a easy
thought that sat in the back of your mind
all the time.
Well, another blow is that the one person
who I thot was the lifeline for me.. Was
too busy chatting up another chick..
While I was in surgery. And after comming
home a few hrs ago.. Asks me, if its
basically ok with me that he has someone
else that can make him happy. How can
anyone ask such a question?
In the end I realize, my life has finally
come full circle... What I have done be
some good.. Most bad in the last year....
This is the iltimate gift one can
recieve... A death wish and to know he
can finally smile...
So to you all out there... If u notice a
lump.. Dont judge take the only choice ..
Live .. So get it checked.. Before it
becomes cancerous... The choice is
yours... Being ignorant and you chose to
live your life on a time limit.
Im glad I have cancer and to those out
there who read this and can laugh ..
Laugh all you like..
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abby aka jordz
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Feb 2007 Posts: 2 Location: lost
Her2 Posted: 02-05-07 08:28am
I was told abt her2 from my doctor before
I went into surgery.. He said im lucky I
havent got to that stage yet .. Im high
rate positive.. Which is one less than
what you have ... And yeah he suggested
radiation and chemo stuff but im not ready
to deal with that yet im thinking of
letting it go and just well thats wat it
states on my patholgy report.. I wish
you all the best thats all I can do... I
know the dangers that lurks in time we all
have been distined to leave this world in
some way. We just found out how we are.
