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Q: I Have An Answer. Please Read And Please Reply.

asked by: YoungWoman on December 4th, 2003

New User

Well, pph doesn’t do blood tests, but they do do urine tests and that was enough. It’s positive. I have to wait until tomorrow and talk to an “options counselor” even though I know what I want to do.

Shoot. I wish I were in a different place in my life. I’m an adult. I have a good job. I’m smart, successful, reasonably attractive. And so is the man i’ve been with for the last few months. But we aren’t in love. We are company. I don’t even know if i’ll know him forever let alone pledge my life to him forever. One day we will both make loving parents to our future children, but today? Together?

I know I have options. I’ve thought about them before during all those pro-life/ pro-choice debates. I kind of feel like the “right” thing to do is adoption, but i’m not that strong. People think I am, but I know i’m not. I think about what other people would think and what other people would say. What my family would do and how my life would change even in the short term and I just know i’m not a strong enough person to go through that no matter what impression I give others.

At least this situation eliminates one fear i’ve lived with since I was a teenager. I’ve been on the pill for around 10 years because my periods were so irregular. I’ve been scared to death ever since then that there was really something wrong with me. I’ve feared the whole time that I would never be able to conceive a child. That my irregular periods were just the beginning. That I could never be a mom. Ha. At least that fear is gone…

shoot. It is so freaking ironic. Just today my friend, whose wife is do any minute, asked me when my turn was and I laughed. I said sometime after I fall in love and get married. I said I wanted to do things in that order. He laughed and we started talking about who I was looking for. But I haven’t got him yet. I’m just me. Single, and no place for a baby.

It’s not like it was a surprise. In fact, I knew it already. I’ve known since before I even missed the period. And I know it is a boy. I just know. I’ve always just known things. Call it woman’s intuition; call it a sixth sense; call it whatever you want, but i’ve just known things. I once said goodbye to a good friend of mine. I hugged her a little extra long and squeezed her a little extra tight because I just knew i’d never see her again. Two days later when I got that call, I found out I was right.

I wish I had someone to talk to. The doctor asked me if I would tell my partner and discuss it with him. I laughed. No. He’s a good guy, but no. She asked if I had someone else to talk to. No. I explained to her caring eyes that I just don’t talk to people. I can’t. I don’t know why, but I can’t. I’ll probably never tell another soul as long as I live. I wish I weren’t this way. It would make life so much easier to share, but I just can’t. Maybe it is part of just knowing…

sorry this is so long. I guess this is my way to reach out. Please write back to me. I need to hear your support. I need you to tell me it is ok. I just need to lean on you and I don’t even know who you are. Please write.

Replies(52)

allusivepond

replied on December 5th, 2003

Experienced User

I read your story and it really touched my heart, I sense in your post that you are really caught, struggling to know what the right thing to do is. There is only one answer and that is the answer you know in your own heart is right.

I noticed that you said you are with a wonderful guy and I dont think your life needs to stop just because you are pregnant. It sounds like you have this conception in your head that you meet someone, you fall in love get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Im not saying this cant happen but just because you dont love each other doesnt mean it cant work. What would really matter to this child is if its parents loved and supported it no matte what the circumstances were between the parents.

It seems that you have already made up your mind and all you are looking for in here with us is to be told that you are doing the right thing and no one here can say that. Like I said only you know the answer but before you make any decisions think how this guy would feel, if the situation was reversed would you want to know.

You never really know how a person is going to react unless you put them into a situation. I really feel for you and im thinking of you. I hope things get better and stay in touch you sound like you could use a friend.

From some one who cant wait to have a jelly bean of their own

YoungWoman

replied on December 5th, 2003

New User

Thanks allusivepond. I could use a friend. I thought I all but begged for them in this post, but you’ve been the only one to respond. I called the options counselor. I have to wait almost a week for an appointment now, which is going to be agony. I’ve never felt so isolated and alone in all my life… and i’ve felt pretty damn alone before. I’ve been reading charmed’s posts and I feel for her. In a way, i’m jealous of her though because at least she has her boy friend to lean on. I’m leaning on myself so hard that i’m about to collapse. I used to think that sex was an evil thing and that I was just horrible for doing it. I’ve recently come to terms with myself though and realized that maybe I wasn’t so awful. Now I feel really awful again. I can’t explain to him why I don’t want to have sex. I can’t explain why I don’t want to do anything but lay with him and have him hug me. I can’t speak at all. I’m desolate.

pregnancyishard

replied on December 5th, 2003

New User

Do you want to have the baby??? Please don't get an abortion!!! Crying or Very sad

i wish I had my baby right now but I went through an miscarriage Crying or Very sad

you want to talk right to me!!!!

Good luck write back!!! Smile

YoungWoman

replied on December 5th, 2003

New User

Oh darling, i’m not 15 anymore. I haven’t been in a very long time and i’m eternally thankful that time travel doesn’t exist and that i’ll never be 15 again. When I was 15, kissing a boy was a big deal.

To answer your question, no. I don’t want a baby. I do some day when i’m married and stable and am in the position to give a child everything he deserves, but i’m not there.

I don’t want to get an abortion. Who really would? If it were up to me, i’d like this to be a really bad dream and i’d like to wake up right now! If it isn’t a bad dream, than i’d like to go to sleep and just stay there.

In an ideal world and with the ideal support network and the ideal personality, maybe i’d have the baby and give him to a family who could fulfill his needs. Sweetheart this isn’t an ideal world. I haven’t got the ideal support network, and I have far from an ideal personality.

I’ve read your posts and i’m sorry for what you are going through. No one should hurt the way you are. I hope though that you’ll wait to bring a child into the world. Too many children have children and the children are the ones that suffer. Both children.

Good luck and thank you so much for writing.

insurancegirl

replied on December 5th, 2003

Extremely eHealthy

You Are An Adult...

Made an adult decision to have sex...Now live with the adult consoquences, you should be able to care for this baby. I'm not trying to be harsh, but abortion is totally out of the question, unless you want to be a homicide er. And adoption isn't right either, I know there are family's out there waiting to adopt a beautiful little baby, but just think of how the baby (when it grows up) is going to feel about the fact that you gave him/her away. My mom gave me to my grandmother, and even though...In ways...I love her for it, I also have a deep hatered for the fact that she didn't try. She always tried to tell me she couldn't do it because she was too young and I bought it for a while...Actually I bought it until I had my son at 17, and even at the beginning of my preg, I knew I could never do that to my child. So I kept him...Against everyone's wishes, and it's funny how people can change once your little miracle is born. It brings people together. So, please think about this...When I got preg, I was 16, I had no job and was in school, but for this precious little boy, I grew up fast, went to school (graduated) and worked a night job (full time) to support us...I know you can do it!

Good luck and god bless,

jennifer Laughing

insurancegirl

replied on December 5th, 2003

Extremely eHealthy

Also,

Think about this...You said yourself that you had problems with your period, and this just may be a miracle...What if you can't have anymore, you give this baby to someone else, and one day you realize that it was a mistake and try to take him/her from the family that they love and are used to...It'll just make things worse.

Just realize that you have been blessed,

jennifer Laughing

p.S.-it's not the baby's fault that you and it's father are just company!

barons_girl_504

replied on December 5th, 2003

Experienced User

Jennifer..

I was waiting for someone to snap her into reality!! Jeez. I know that this is an informative and understanding forum, but how can we be sympathetic to someone who knowingly had unproteced sex with some one and is boo hooing because she is pregnant?!? Come on now?! If you have unprotected sex, I don't care who you are or where you're from, you at least know, that you have a 90 percent chance of becoming pregnant. I understand that you were not "ready" to conceive a child. But, on the other hand, you willingly had unprotected sex with the man. Question

I don't get it. When I had unprotected sex with my boyfriend one time, of course I thought nothing would happen, but then "uh oh" my period didnt come. But I knew that it was from my mistake. If I were you, I would do what is best for the baby, not you. If the best thing for the baby is to keep it and sacrafice "your good looks", then you need to do that. Do you think that because you are "smart, funny, and attractive" that you cannot get pregnant?!?! Come on now, how smart can you really be?!

Look that is all I have to say,
love always,
sarah

YoungWoman

replied on December 5th, 2003

New User

Unprotected Sex

Jennifer and sarah,

i respect and take to heart what you believe and what you have to say. I’ll probably reply more in depth later, but I wanted to clarify one thing first. I have not had unprotected sex. I am on the pill and have been for years. I thought I was doing ok.

Thank you for writing. I want to read what more people have to say.
-youngwoman

Charmed

replied on December 5th, 2003

New User

Hi,
I am not sure why I keep coming back to this website...I guess for answers but I think that maybe if I try to help someone else out that my problem would just go away...Youngwomen, oh how I know exactly what you are going threw I wish we were friends before all of this has happened to us. Jennifer and sarah are both right...They both have wonderful ideas and a great outlook on life and they are going to get through life with not very much trouble because they both know what they believe in and know what they stand for. But for the women who cant think like that and dont have it in them to stand for something that they cannot see or even think about in the right light. I am pregnant but I just keeping looking at it as if thats all it is, I am not one to think about this great thing that can come out of all this but just as something that came at the wrong time in my life...I have always been seen in my eyes as a victim but now I realize everything in my life up to now was not even close to a problem. Youngwomen I want to give you my e-mail address so we can talk about what we are going to do without others telling us we are wrong.

And for sarah and jennifer I know that you both are very strong women and I know as just a 20 year old girl who doesn't know all that much about the world that I could learn a lot from you two. So what do you say to a girl who all her life has been an ideal student and worked so hard to become an educated person that would always sacrifiece almost every weekend of her high school life to get in to one of the best colleges and then a year later find out that she is pregnant and might have to throw all the hard work away...I was committed to schooling so bad that I think I missed out on a lot of my life and now I might have to forget about graduating from college to take care of something I dont even deserve.

I do also have one more thing to say, I too did not have unprotected sex...(so to speak) when I was 4 years old I have internal bleeding and the doctors did all they could just to make it stop and so therefore they told my parents "i could never conceive a child because they did lots of damage and it would not work out for a child to be able to grow." so I have I guess you can say unprotected sex for 4 years and dont get me wrong I know that this is a miracle but for someone who thought for there whole life that a child would never be apart of there future this is a complete shock and I cant understand why I dont want this child...I guess you can say I was never raised to want a child so I know you are both thinking what a worthless women and I would have to say I agree, I am very disappointed in myself.

allusivepond

replied on December 5th, 2003

Experienced User

Jennifer And Sarah,

How could you be so cruel as to tell someone that they are committing homicide. I want a child as well and if I fell pregnant I would also consider it a miracle but that does not mean I do not respect the feelings of others. If you both looked past yourselves and litstened to what was written in her letters you would see a person who is struggling with decisions that some of us have had no trouble making. While I agreee that maybe a step into reality would do her good, did you ever stop to think that maybe she has had so many problems in life that what she distinguishes life as an adult is is that what the true conception is.

I think that you need to bite the bullet and tell this man the truth. Tell him u r pregnant, that u dont love him, that u dont know wot to do. Afterall have u considered the alternative, living with a secret like the one u are carrying now, look at what it is doing to u and to this unborn child. While we all wish we could change somethings in our lives not everything can be and when that happens all u can do is make the best out of what you have.

I anyone holds resentment towards another for example being given up to be raised by your grandmother who obviously did a wonderful job raising a wonderful girl to know right from wrong, maybe u should think about letting the past go and moving on to the future. You should just be grateful that u were raised by some one who cared, besides no matter what you mother said about not being able to raise you if she felt that she couldnt do it then maybe u should respect her decision that she did what was right at the time for a special miracle that she obviously cared about deeply.

And another thing I dont think you should be ashamed if you have sex it can be a wonderful thing, and it is not the baby's fault that u are companions with ur partner not that ur birth control failed, and no one here has a right to judge others that is not what this site is about.

Im here to listen and b a friend to those who need one, to give advice with out being judgemental, and to learn from others around me.

Good luck with everyone writing in this post I hope it works out for everyone.

From someone who cant wait to have a jelly bean of their own

Darling

replied on December 5th, 2003

Active User, very eHealthy

I have to say I fully agree with the above poster.
My friend was in a situation somewhat similar to this one. She was 22, had a stable home, a boyfriend and finances in place however she did not want to be a mother yet. She didn't feel she was emotionally ready to take on that responsability. She decided to get an abortion and I supported her all the way. She is now very happy about her decision and holds no regrets. All I can say is follow your instinct and what you think would be best for you. I wish you much luck in making such a possible life changing decision

saturn24

replied on December 6th, 2003

Experienced User

It seems as if you have already made up your mind. If you were so concerned that you would never be able to conceive, then why is this such a tragedy? Sure, you want love, marriage and then babies. Don't we all? Just because it didn't happen in that order doesn't mean it wasn't meant to happen. I have posted a couple of responses on this pregnancy forum dealing with termination, and I want to clear something up before I continue. I am pro choice. I just believe that your reasons for termination should be very solid. Like pregnancy resulting in a rape, or no chance of survival of the pregnancy. But, you seem like a wonderful person. The kind of person who would not make such a drastic decision because of being single. You said you were not strong enough to do the adoption thing. Is it really because of what people will think, or is it because you know once you have the baby you will not give it up? There are single parents all over the place. Most didn't want it to be that way, but they stepped up to the plate and took responsability. And in my personal opinion, one wonderful parent is better than two miserable ones. You don't have to marry this guy. You said he is a great guy, so I am sure he will understand you wanting to go through with this and you raising the child as mommy and daddy who are friends. Be strong and do what you have to do. Just make sure you don't make a drastic decision. You will have to live with either one for the rest of your life.

YoungWoman

replied on December 6th, 2003

New User

Individual Notes. Sorry So Long.

Jennifer,

you are speaking from experience regarding adoption. I am speaking of dreams. I should hope that the adoptive parents would make it abundantly clear that my giving him to them to raise was what was best for him.. I have limited experience with adoption. Some have found their birth mothers, others have no interest. All understand and believe in the reasons they were given to their adoptive parents.

I have a great deal of respect for the sacrifices you made and strength you have regarding your son. I hope for both of you that he doesn’t create a child at 16 and that you don’t have to go through it again.

Rest comfortably knowing that I would never try to rip my birth child from an adoptive home. The idea that this could be a once in a life time is haunting and that is what I will continue to think about.

Thank you for sharing your story with me.

Sarah,

i just want to repeat that I did not have unprotected sex. I expect judgment for any decision that I am considering. That is human nature. But please don’t condemn me for having protected sex and I won’t judge you for knowingly having unprotected sex.

Still, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Charmed,

i keep coming back too. I want to check on me and to check on you. We do have a lot in common. I’ve always been responsible. I’ve always made the adult decisions since I was a child. I’ve always made everyone proud. Yet i’ve always thought I was awful.

I’m so glad you found more to say to me than I could in my post to you. I’ll write to you privately as soon as I find the strength. For now, i’m too busy not sleeping, not eating, and not speaking to do much else.

Allusivepond,

thank you for being there for me. You don’t know me, and yet I truly feel like you care. Please keep caring for me and for the others you are helping. Sometimes, just knowing that someone with compassion is reading what you write really helps.

You are right. I should tell him. I’m trying and I will before I make any final decisions. My mouth just hasn’t been able to say the words. I’m also afraid he’s going to tell him family. They are close and turn to each other for support. I bottle things up inside and his healthy way of dealing with things scares the daylights out of me!

I hope you get your jelly bean soon. That will be one very lucky baby to have a mom like you.

Darling,

thanks for sharing. Reading other stories (with all different opinion) helps me feel less alone. Thanks so much.

Saturn,

you hit the nail on the head. I could never have a child grow inside me for nine months, nourish him with my blood. Protect him with my body. Then give him away. I have trouble getting rid of socks that have memories! I’m thinking… i’m going to keep thinking… and sharing here till everyone is tired of me.

Thank you everyone. Knowing you are there is really helping. This is the only place I can cry.

-youngwoman

allusivepond

replied on December 6th, 2003

Experienced User

Dear Young Woman

Did you ever think that him turning to his family might be just what u need right now. A great family support which u obviously dont have with your own.

I never meant to imply that its your fault cause you were on birth control and fell pregnant that was just a typo on my behalf, we cant help mother nature.

Good luck and keep me posted im really interested to know how things turn out for

from someone who cant wait to have a jelly bean all of their own

p.S. No matter what happens you are always welcome to come and chat to us about anything you like I would even give you my email address yound and we can chat there if ya like

YoungWoman

replied on December 7th, 2003

New User

I Told Him.

Last night I was lying in his arms holding him and being held by him. He started kissing me and I kissed him back as best I could. Then my face found his shoulder and I hid.

“what’s wrong? And don’t tell me nothing.” he asked.

“nothing.” I finally replied. I couldn’t tell him yet. I wanted to, but every time I took a breath to speak, I fell mute. I haven’t said the words yet. I don’t even think i’ve typed them straight out.

He asked why I couldn’t tell him. Said it must be about him. Asked if he should just go. No! I held onto him trying to make him hold me trying to make him not go while I pathetically gasped for air trying to form words with my mouth.

I finally squeaked it out without actually saying it. “i missed my period last month. When you went out with your friends, I went to the gynecologist.”

it took a minute to sink in. I said they did know for sure and we just lay there, me sobbing softly in his shoulder, him staring blankly at the dark ceiling. I told him about this website and asked if he wanted to see it. I find I can write when spoken words escape me.

I showed it all to him from my first fears to the even more personal private e-mail I sent to charmed. He read your condemnation and your support. He read my head.

He turned on his stomach with his head away from me in silence.

“please don’t turn away from me?”

he turned back and wrapped his safe arms tightly around me. We talked a bit. Shared a bit. Stared a bit. And did the closest thing to making love I think i’ve ever done, me with my eyes tight shut silently weeping. Him so soft, gentle, and compassionate.

Eventually he fell asleep. A while later I dozed off held tight in his arms.

He woke up this morning and had to go. He dressed, kissed me, and left.

Now i’m all alone.

MegEve

replied on December 7th, 2003

Experienced User

Wow, It Seems He Took It Well...

I think that even if you do not want to be with this person forever, you should have some kind of relationship. Even if it is on a friendship level. That is just my opinion.

On the pregnancy issue: I am 19 years old and six weeks ago I had major surgery to remove a cancerous tumor that had originated in my colon. In other words, it was colon cancer. Unfortunately, it had gone unnoticed for so long that it spread to my uterus, ovaries, and bladder. I had a total hysterectomy witht he removal of my uterus, both ovaries, fallopian tubes, and cervix. I will never, ever be able to physically carry a child. You are blessed with tht opportunity to nurture a living being with your body. That child already depends solely on you. I envy you.

I am fortunate to have a sister who has offered to carry a child for my fiancee and I when the time comes. Then, we will adopt any more children we have. I figure I will only make my sis give me one child in case she wants to have kids of her own!!

Honestly though, think about all your options thoroughly. I wish you all the best in the decision you make. And even though I don't know the feelings you are having, you are more than welcome to talk to me about anything.

Megan

illusionsmamma

replied on December 8th, 2003

Experienced User

I really dont know why i'm not trying to put anybody down or anything but it sort of sounds to me like your writing this from a book or something or are you a writer or something sorry just quriosity???

SAMMIE072080

replied on December 8th, 2003

New User

From Someone Who Defintely Knows

Sweetie I feel your pain and I understand what you are going through. But you have to think about later on about how you would feel if the child you gave up will come looking for you to ask you why you gave him or her up. Please from someone that has had quite a few miscarriages. Sweetie don't give up a child that is truly a blessing. You need a friend right now and I am here for you. But think about how you will feel afterwards.

Much love and good luck

oana23

replied on December 8th, 2003

New User

to Young Woman

Hi
i just read this and I think you are smart you have your own head and hey you got a job and the babys daddy is in the picture too.... Thats positiv isn't it? I think the same instinct that tells you what the baby is ... Should tell you if you should keep it ( btw how far along are you?) if you do keep it , I can tell you, I am now 7.5 months pregnant and I was not sure if I could have a baby right now, ( I am 23 married and work with toddlers, babys in a daycare) but my husband always wanted a baby ... So we just tring this for the first time... It was something very special, specially you get all the attention from the people that you know, or not know.... And the best thing is you hear a heart beat a baby the grows inside of you and starts kicking you later . That's a wonderful feeling, you just can't describe, but back to you, since you can't really talk to some one maybe this is a sign from god maybe you should have the baby and bound with him and learn how to open up. But hey that's all your desicion. If you think you don't wanna have the baby, see... I don't know how old you really are and how long you been with your boyfriend, or if you even told your boyfriend by now.... But if you did'n , I mean he needs to know either way... And maybe you might be surprised ! Wink

but if you are thinking on abortion , this is your time and place and your life, I think ... If you can live with it it's ok with me.... A lot of women having abortions, but if you do please get some info. About it it can mess up your body I saw it on my friend and after that she was loosing 6 babys in 4 years the doctors don't know whats wrong .... Confused

But thats a nother story , you are totally different , I think either way you will choose the best that is good for you .... I think you can do it .
Btw thank god you are not 15 or so ..... :p

oana23

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