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Bipolar Tearin Us Apart....

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just1_me

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Bipolar Tearin Us Apart.... Posted: 10-19-05 20:18pm


My boyfriend is bipolar...Hes a great boyfriend but I notice like what many have said he is also very insecure. He always thinks I am cheating for no apparent reason. Our relationship was going very well but now he acts so withdrawn...He wont talk to me and he claims hes just "tired". Im frustrated because I can tell his mood has takin a 360 but he wont talk about it, he says he still loves me and there is nothing wrong. We fight constantly and I dont know what to do. Im trying to be supportive but if anyone with this disorder can tell me what he may be feeling right now and what I should do to help it would be great. I dont know if I should back off or if I should get closer during this time...Help :( p.S.He doesnt take meds anymore or is no longer in thearpy! He hasnt been in months and refuses to restart treatment!

BPjoe23

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Posted: 10-20-05 06:42am


Hi i'm bipolar, I will try to help you. To me it sounds like he could be depressed and is with drawing away from people and places.. Some bipolar when we are depressed we like to be left alone. I know that's how I can be some time when i'm depressed I want to just be left alone and have my space.. To me it also sounds like he could be in mixed state( depression and mania at the same time) I would just give him some space but not to much space. I say stay at a middle point not to much space, but not to close and clingy.. Best thing you could do is support him, with kind-caring words and be there for him. Also make sure he sees a doctor and stays on his meds. Even if you got drag him in to the doctors office. :lol: how long has he been diagnosed for, for some bipolar it hard for them to come to the terms "i have a mental illness" and refuse to beleive it. Onces he understands he has a mental illness and needs to see his doctor,and therapist,and stay on meds things should get better... Also about bipolar people, some bipolar people can think there all better well on meds and think they don't need meds. That could be why he is refusing to take his meds. Please just know he has a illness, and it not him or you. Support him and be there for him. Also keep the communaction open,and help learn how to deal with his emotions and how he is feeling.. Just my opinion but maybe it would be good for him to go to d.B.S.A. Depression and bipolar support allince group meetings, or n.A.M.I. Support group meetings.

just1_me

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Posted: 10-20-05 15:40pm


Thanks soooo much that helps a lot. I have never dated anyone with this disorder or any other. I try not to ask him a lot of questions or discuss it because im in school studying psychology and he thinks I am trying to study him, which I am not. But its hard to be there for someone when they shut you out and dont tell you why! :roll: , but I will try to take your advice and be encoraging and stick by him...I love him.

BPjoe23

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Posted: 10-20-05 16:44pm


8) you're welcome anymore questions just ask.

djphoenix18

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Hey Posted: 10-24-05 15:01pm


I just found this website and I was kinda reading through these pages and this one situation kinda reminded me of my present situation... Im about 24 years old and a diagnosed bipolar 2... I was diagnosed about 3 or 4 years ago and was on medications for maybe one year at best... And even throughout that time, I was never constant with my medicines... Anyways, back to your story, I have been with my current girlfriend/fiance for about 3 years now, and she knows I was diagnosed with bipolar 2... I told her from the get-go that I was... I can say I see alot of the symptoms of having bipolar, the mood swings, the spending, the anger, and all of these just come and go with a randomness thats truly amazing... I know its probably very hard for you to deal with this situation, as im sure it is for my fiance as well... Ill tell you what she does with me, and maybe that will help you a little bit more in terms of your situation... Usually there are signs or clues that kind of key you in to a mood swing that is coming or some sort of situation that will cause anger or what-not... See if you can find those and those clues can kind of help you ride out the storm per-se... I know it gets tiring being loving and understanding, but for a bi-polar person, that love and understanding is really all what we got... Anyways, I hope this helps and if you have any other questions, post em here...

djphoenix18

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Hey Posted: 10-24-05 15:02pm


I just found this website and I was kinda reading through these pages and this one situation kinda reminded me of my present situation... Im about 24 years old and a diagnosed bipolar 2... I was diagnosed about 3 or 4 years ago and was on medications for maybe one year at best... And even throughout that time, I was never constant with my medicines... Anyways, back to your story, I have been with my current girlfriend/fiance for about 3 years now, and she knows I was diagnosed with bipolar 2... I told her from the get-go that I was... I can say I see alot of the symptoms of having bipolar, the mood swings, the spending, the anger, and all of these just come and go with a randomness thats truly amazing... I know its probably very hard for you to deal with this situation, as im sure it is for my fiance as well... Ill tell you what she does with me, and maybe that will help you a little bit more in terms of your situation... Usually there are signs or clues that kind of key you in to a mood swing that is coming or some sort of situation that will cause anger or what-not... See if you can find those and those clues can kind of help you ride out the storm per-se... I know it gets tiring being loving and understanding, but for a bi-polar person, that love and understanding is really all what we got... Anyways, I hope this helps and if you have any other questions, post em here...

BPjoe23

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Re: Hey
Posted: 10-26-05 16:15pm

djphoenix18 wrote:

i just found this website and I was kinda reading through these pages and this one situation kinda reminded me of my present situation...

Im about 24 years old and a diagnosed bipolar 2... I was diagnosed about 3 or 4 years ago and was on medications for maybe one year at best... And even throughout that time, I was never constant with my medicines...

Anyways, back to your story, I have been with my current girlfriend/fiance for about 3 years now, and she knows I was diagnosed with bipolar 2... I told her from the get-go that I was... I can say I see alot of the symptoms of having bipolar, the mood swings, the spending, the anger, and all of these just come and go with a randomness thats truly amazing...

I know its probably very hard for you to deal with this situation, as im sure it is for my fiance as well...

Ill tell you what she does with me, and maybe that will help you a little bit more in terms of your situation... Usually there are signs or clues that kind of key you in to a mood swing that is coming or some sort of situation that will cause anger or what-not... See if you can find those and those clues can kind of help you ride out the storm per-se... I know it gets tiring being loving and understanding, but for a bi-polar person, that love and understanding is really all what we got...

Anyways, I hope this helps and if you have any other questions, post em here...

ditto man, there will be clues that you can stop to know when a bipolar person is headed for mania/manic or depression.. Also its a good idea to keep track of there(his/her mood).

just1_me

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Confused Posted: 10-30-05 12:49pm


This has to be the most severe epoisode (if it is even an episode) that I have experienced with him! He stopped calling me. I figured he just needed a little space but a week past and no word from him. I call him and he said he didnt notice. I also asked him if he still felt the same way anout me and he said dryly, after askin me to repeate it twice "yea". He joked around about cheating on me when I asked him if he was. I got really sick (im diabetic) and passed out. Paramedics came. When I told him he was completely uninterested...Didnt ask any question, didnt ask if I was ok..Nothing. I dont know this person...This is not the person I fell in love with. He want tell me whats going on..And day after day its the same thing. I dont even know if this is really a bipolar episode... I dont think he loves me anymore :cry: ! I broke it off about four days ago. He wouldnt answer his phone when I called so I e-mailed and left a voice mail. I just told him that I loved him but I didnt know what was going on and needed to ended a relationship that he didnt wanna be in. He hasnt made any contact! What is going on?

Liz26

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Posted: 10-30-05 13:01pm


I know how you feel! It doesn't make sense, does it? One day they love you and the next they don't care at all. I had times where I didn't hear from my boyfriend (now ex) for weeks at a time. My ex refuses to take medication too. He says he doesn't want to feel like a different person and he likes the way he is. He was very mentally abusive towards me, constantly starting fights with me, breaking up with me, etc. If I were you I would just let this guy go. Maybe in the future if he gets the treatment he needs and you guys are meant to be together, you will be. I tried to help my ex for 5 years and it didn't do any good. If they don't want to be helped and don't want to change than they won't.

DSmith529

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Re: Confused
Posted: 10-31-05 09:13am

just1_me wrote:

he joked around about cheating on me when I asked him if he was. I got really sick (im diabetic) and passed out. Paramedics came. When I told him he was completely uninterested...Didnt ask any question, didnt ask if I was ok..Nothing. He hasnt made any contact! What is going on?

1) that may mean that he is cheating, or has cheated on you. Get checked for stds.
2) some people only want the klieg lights on themselves, heaven forbid that you should be prone to human illnesses or frailties. May or may not be the case here.
3) this is what you will get more of if you continue the relationship--particularly now as he is not interested in taking care of his illness.
4) he can't or doesn't care. Whether that is a "for right now" or "for always" doesn't much matter at this point, does it? The net effect is the same.

You did not make him, you did not break him, you cannot fix him. Let it go. If/when he chooses to take care of himself and commit to taking care of himself, then a healthy relationship could ensue, if both of you are still interested and available.

ldylion214

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Posted: 11-05-05 00:37am


Hi, i haven't posted in a while but your thread caught my eye. I have a bipolar disorder, too. I can tell you this, until he takes meds and gets treatment, your hands are tied. We are all responsible for our mental well being and care. I am not saying you are nor am I implying anything about anyone in particular, but often times a mentally ill person may have a relationship with a person with codependency tendencies. Make sure you take care of yourself along with sticking by him and supporting him. I'm thankful my husband of 10 years wasn't as healthy thinking as he is now when we met or we wouldn't be together. I was a mess and an energy drainer. Much luck to you! Nicci

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What Is the Deal of One Thinking One Has Always Cheated? Posted: 11-05-05 10:58am


My ex bp bf, I never understood why he thought I cheated on him and then he started thinking I was cheating on him with random males in my neighborhood, people I did not know. We visitied his friends a couple, stayed the nite there we stayed in the living room, and he said, in the nite I went upstairs to be with them when that is not in my personality to do so, and I was asleep next to him the whole time, and then when we stayed in a hotel he said I got up in the nite to go sleep with someone in the hotel, and came back. I was asleep with him the whole time, I never cheated on him, I spent a lot of my time with him, when I said I was somewhere, that is where I was, i mean what??? I think he had a bizzare persoanlity, thinking at first I excused the behavior on bipolar, as he is dignosed with it. Yet that is just way out there, he became too possessive, wanting to know who I called, talked too, he would go through my purse. He started to blame me for things that had nothing to do with me. He would tell me he loved me like no other, be super sweet fun, and then hours later he would be telling me to leave his home, while he threw my belongings out, cursing at me, yelling at me, his face turned red, once he even foamed at the mouth, I never seen anyone do that prior, man, and he would raise his arm, threatening to hit me, i feel he had other issues going on, that was the worst experience of my life, however I learned the greatest lesson, to listen to your instincts, when something doesn't feel right, go with it, before it get's worse, in terms of an unhealthy relationship.

tawnie_j

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Re: Confused
Posted: 01-05-06 18:31pm

dsmith529 wrote:

just1_me wrote:

1) that may mean that he is cheating, or has cheated on you. Get checked for stds.

2) some people only want the klieg lights on themselves, heaven forbid that you should be prone to human illnesses or frailties. May or may not be the case here.

3) this is what you will get more of if you continue the relationship--particularly now as he is not interested in taking care of his illness.

4) he can't or doesn't care. Whether that is a "for right now" or "for always" doesn't much matter at this point, does it? The net effect is the same.

You did not make him, you did not break him, you cannot fix him. Let it go. If/when he chooses to take care of himself and commit to taking care of himself, then a healthy relationship could ensue, if both of you are still interested and available.

you know, this really hits home. I've searched and searched and searched online for people to talk to, who understand. (my family is far away, and friends are mutual and biased.)

my boyfriend/fiance/baby's daddy, whatever he is, is very bipolar, but won't admit it or get treatment. He's verbally and emotionally abusive to me everyday, and sometimes physically abusive. I've held on for 2 years nearly, trying to tell myself that he will realize he has a problem and get help. But he hasn't. When things go bad, I blame his problem and try not to blame him. But it's so hard now, and i've run out of 'umph'.

Like she had said, i'm so in love with him. But in all reality, i'm in love with who he can be, and who I want him to be. And that's a person who probably never will be.

I hold on because we have a child together, and I put my first son through a break up as well, and I didn't want to do it to this one. We've formed a family and I don't want it to be my fault for tearing it up if I leave.

I can't take it anymore though, I cry everyday, all night long, and all he can do is make fun of me for crying, and call me a basket case. This is someone i've never been before, and i'm beginning to think that he's right in all of this, even though I know he's not.

He's bringing me down with him, and I don't want to continue to be this way. However, I can't make up my mind if I want happiness alone, or if I want happiness with him, if and when he ever changes.

Help me..........I feel like i've lost myself.....To a monster.

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Oh Dear
Posted: 01-06-06 06:17am

Quote:

he's verbally and emotionally abusive to me everyday, and sometimes physically abusive. I've held on for 2 years nearly, trying to tell myself that he will realize he has a problem and get help. But he hasn't. When things go bad, I blame his problem and try not to blame him.

he is more than his mental illness, and you have told him that what he is doing is wrong. Judge him by his actions, not his intentions. Otherwise you are treating him like a child, and he isn't.

What has he done to get better? How long has he done it? It sounds like things have gotten worse.

Provide some consequences that make him uncomfortable. Maybe he will change (as in seek treatment).

You are cushioning his falls to the point of making yourself ill and you are permitting abuse. The sooner you stop it (move out, have him move out, you seek therapy for yourself), the better. I mean, how many times have you landed on him vs. How many times you've taken the blows?

Here's another thing to keep in mind. It will ultimately be a good thing for your child if you move out.

Bipolar is genetic and can be triggered by environmental stresses.

Growing up in an abusive household is stressful, plus what your child sees is what your child will model. Your son will very likely become an abuser. Your daughter will have an intimate relationship with an abuser.

And really, how can you trust someone who is abusing you? Love is not what you say, it's what you do.

You don't emotionally or physically destroy someone you love. You don't ignore their cries of "stop, stop!". You don't let them lay there in a diabetic coma and not care enough to call. You don't lie & cheat & steal from someone you love.

Can you really marry this man and believe him when he says he will be there for you in good times and bad, sickness and health?

Stop betting your future on his potential. If you want to gamble, go to a casino. Well, no, don't. If you want to make a good gamble, i'd advise you continue your education whilst seeking therapy and custody of your child.

Lundy bancroft's books, "why does he do that?" and "when daddy hurts mommy" are very good reads. I'd recommend "why" first.

So is anne sheffield's book, "how you can survive when they are depressed".

Unless/until he seeks treatment and has stuck with it for a year or more, he is a bad gamble for you and your child.

tawnie_j

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Thank You Posted: 01-06-06 16:59pm


You know, that was the best, informational opinion I have yet received. I thank you for that. Deep in my heart I know that what you said is best for me, however, I can't get up enough gull to just leave. I don't know how to do it... I don't like the feeling of being a 'quitter', blaming myself for the 'what-ifs'. How do I get strength to leave everything behind. It's so hard. Not only am I leaving 'us', but i'll be moving 12 hrs away because there is nothing here for me but him. I fear that i'll be taking a lot from my kids if I leave, because their families are here (grandparents, step-sister, my other son's dad), and my family (and support group) is so far away. I did talk to him last night about it again. I kindly told him that I thought he was bipolar, and that if he got help it would help us significantly. (he knows our relationship needs help, and is sick of us not getting along. I attribute it to his issue.) he laughed, and said, "you seriously think I have a mental problem?" I told him, "yes, and I think our son may get it too, since your dad has it as well." he just shrugged it off like I was crazy. I've left once before for a night or so, but it didn't seem to bother him. He never freaked out, or called me to see where I was. Nothing. I ended up going back because I felt sorry that my boys couldn't sleep in their own beds. Do y'all think my boys will end up hating me because I took them from their family? I just don't want to seem like the bad person. I don't want to end up the monster of the whole ordeal.

DSmith529

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What About This Perspective Posted: 01-06-06 22:40pm


You are not mentally ill but you do not remove your boys from someone who is abusive. If you are not willing to protect yourself from harm, are you willing to protect your kids? Because it will not get better, it will get worse. Someday, not too long from now, you may find yourself so inurred to injury that you don't jump. You know, like that frog in the pot of water with the temp steadily rising. A frog is not aware that the tepid water started out cold not so long ago, and its still going up, and they die. Drop a frog in hot water and they jump! Who do you think your children will resent more? The one who is mentally ill and abused them actively, or the one who is aware of the abuse and its likely after effects and does not protect (her) self and the child(ren)? You are their mother. They don't have to like you, they won't sometimes; they will always love you--but you want them to grow up to respect you. They won't do that if your health deteriorates to the point where you perish. Do you want him to raise your children? He will raise at least one of them to be just like him. Change is hard because it is the unknown that we fear. As frank herbert said in "dune", "fear is the mind-killer. I will turn and face my fear, it will go around me and through and leave me untouched." i mangled that phrase, it's been a long time since I read the book. But you get the idea. So, read up first. Formulate a plan. Put money aside in an account in your name only. If he hits you, go to the police, file a report and stick with it. You will be protecting society, in addition to your family. The only person you have 100% control over is yourself. You don't have total control over the kids (you know this, they've been exhausted and had a melt-down somewhere very public, right?), you certainly don't have it over him, the only person you can change is yourself. Community support is available anywhere you go. You simply have to avail yourself of it. Do you really think your family wants you abused, neglected and frightened? Of course not! Pep talk over. I hope 2006 proves to be a really good year for you and your sons. Good luck!

tawnie_j

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Thanks... Posted: 01-09-06 16:34pm


...I really appreciate that input. God bless.

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Borderline Personality Disorder Posted: 03-30-06 19:44pm


I have been involved with a man that I believe has borderline, very jealous, insucure, thinking he is going to lose me, always thinking I am cheating, nightmares can set him off ( dreaming I cheated) he gets pissy over so much. He is making effort to help himself however will this ever really change. He has in the past been very dangerous with his rages. I just feel sad that his emotions control him the way they do, emotions is a scary deal when people cant distinqish what is and what is just within them. I dont want to give up on him but im torn. He has had substance problems, I just wonder if anyone knows the overall recovery with borderline illness. He wants more then anything to be a family but again so much stuff sets him off. Walking on eggshells most of the time. He is the most possesive moody human being I have ever met. I dont even know how and cant explain why I love and care for him so much.. Its so damn hard to leave someone that you know can be so wonderful and you know they hate theirselves for being and behaving in these manners. I just feel so close with him and would give anything in the world for him to over come these issues.

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Borderline P.d. Posted: 04-03-06 09:56am


I just wonder if anyone knows the overall recovery with borderline illness. Very, very poor. Here's what it took my mother to "recover" (read: get under control) her borderline p.D., in the days prior to meds that sometimes help (lamictal in particular). Therapy 3-5 days per week for six years. Therapy thereafter 2-3 times per week for eight years. Therapy thereafter tapering down to once or twice a month over the course of the next 23 years. She goes more often if she feels her anxiety ratcheting or someone points it out to her. And she was one of the few who realized that there was something off-kilter about her degree of feeling in relation to the situation. And she is very, very smart and in the psychiatric profession to boot. So. Is he as motivated to change as she was? Does he have the necessary characteristic of seeing things through to the end? Does he shy away from any and all uncomfortable things or does he make an effort to face them and move through them? Are you prepared to have a so-so relationship and the very real likelihood of abuse heaped upon you and your children? Because although my mother didn't want to be like she was, and was learning new ways to cope and really trying, that did not mean I was not abused. I was. The saving grace for our relationship was that I knew she didn't want to be this way and was working very very hard to change. She was truly "walking the talk". But you may rest assured that that does not mean I didn't fear for my life periodically. And I am not a masochist, I certainly didn't want to be beaten with a belt to the point of bleeding--but I was. Personally, if you are not married and do not have a child together, i'd advise that you just keep on going. I'd also say you would do well to get some therapy for yourself so you can be more aware of your strengths and weaknesses regarding partners. Www.Angriesout.Com take a look at the drama triangle. And do take good care of yourself. Be safe, please.