Crazy Thoughts

Yes!! Omg!!! When I see a thin person I just hate her and wanna pull her guts out....When I see fat people I feel disgusted even though I was once fat too

I think a little bit different because I am in therapy and only part eating disorder but it sometimes combines oddly.
I rarely see anyone who is significantly thinner than me. When I do see someone who I perceive to be thinner than myself, I do not say anything to them about it because I have had that done to me and it is awkward and not helpful to either one of you if the conversation goes like this:
very underweight girl: you are so thin. I wish I was as thin as you. I weigh (low weight) and (perhaps gives a size or key measurements). How much do you weigh?
Less underweight girl: I weigh (heavier weight). I wear size (or have bigger measurements).
Very underweight girl: you can't be that heavy. You are lying.
I have mentioned it to my husband though about some girl being really thin. I don't know if he is lying or not but he has almost always said that that the woman was heavier or the same size as me. Having been the less underweight girl when I was a little heavier, I know that it is possible that he isn't lying. Often our body perception gets messed up. I am still completely confused about how it is possible that I am sitting here in size 1 jeans that aren't tight. If I didn't know differently, I would believe that I wore at least a size 10.
Recently, it was revealed to me by my husband and a relative who I visited that I talk in my sleep (which I knew) and that some of what I talk about is that I am really fat (i had no idea about that). That means that those beliefs are quite deep seeded.

Even ppl who have a way higher weight than me look way smaller than how I see myself in the mirror....I find myself fat and disgusting......I think my eye sight is messed up...Im 85 lbs....Ive gained like 8 lbs now...N I feel sick

I am going though the whole weight thing right now with my mom. Shes doing the la weight loss program and she looks great! Serious she does she looks healthy. But when we go out together she compairs me to a woman who is double my wight and tells me im fat. Even when I was in high school I weighed a healthy 145. If I went below that weight I would get deathly ill. But when I was that weight I had my mom constantly telling me I was fat and that I need to suck my gut in and that I need to put make up on or I need to do this or that. I am 5'7" and now weigh 256. Im concidered obesse. Yes this I know. But I am working hard at this. I need to lose weight and I need to be thin. And I need to be perfect. But when I say this out loud I just laugh at myself and tell myself im beautiful. Its the inside of my head that is telling me that I am ugly and that no man or woman would ever find me attractive. My boyfriend, soon to be husband, has no clue that im hiding these feelings from him. He just keeps telling me I look great and that I am beautiful. He doesnt know about the inside struggle to be thin....
I know how you feel.