the Matrix

Headcase method

this is an account of my time in psychosis and the beliefs and perceptions that were realised as I became ill. I have schizoid effective disorder. I have had numerous admissions to hospital and have been ill for 5 years.

It all started in 1998 when I was living in london and I was a heavy cannabis user. I first heard voices for one night heavily due to cannabis psychosis and didn’t hear them again for two years. In 2000 I left england to live in australia and became heavily addicted to marijuana. I had many problems in australia, which ended up with me living with two half aboriginal people who from the start had intentions to harm me. As a science fiction fan I had been an avid matrix fan. With the depression from the marijuana addiction and the fact that the people I was living with overdosed me on l.S.D. Without my knowledge, I nearly died trying to escape the matrix by self fitting and nearly dying from suffocation as I tried to swallow my tongue.

With this and the l.S.D. I experienced a bolt of lightening around my eyes that changed in colour from green to red. I believe that I crossed the threshold from the planet earth to hell on earth. Later I believed that I had entered purgatory and that my spirit had been unlocked from my body. Every emotion that had been passed to me was divided into its origin person and these emotions live within my heart as a divided spirit in the form of voices. I also believed that homelessness was the final element of purgatory I then proceeded to wander around the house forgetting all about my family and friends and walked around like a zombie for two days. A couple of days later I fitted again and this time I heard a crackling and felt pain from my brain.

I believed that I burnt the cortex in my brain, wiping out that I used to be and completely reset my thought patterns and memory algorithms. I believed I had escaped the matrix and I was going to be taken to some kind of cult in the australian countryside where I would find refuge. As I found out later, it seemed that I had pumped air into my eardrum and released it causing the bones in my ears to crack for a period of about 5 seconds. It’s strange what the brain is capable of when you believe something. I came home a wreck and holed up in my bedroom for 6 months.

My psychiatrist asked me if I heard voices and I said no but when I got home I started to think of examples of when I heard voices and the simulation of conversations in my mind seemed to be one of them but as I played with this aspect of my mind I lost control of it and all hell broke loose. Now I hear up to 20 voices at once and I find it very distressing.

All through this period I had built up double meanings in the english language until I could not cope and my understanding of speech ceased but as time went on through the 5 years I managed to block out all these double meanings but was still looking for hidden meanings to my life anywhere I could and this is what I am concerned about that I have misconceived so much that my perception must be warped although the medication stops me getting access to my perception. But I still feel that my reality is not right and I have a constant anxiety and fear of the outside world and have not had much access to the outside world to heal my perception due to the anxiety I feel when I am out in town with my girlfriend.
Headcase method

i still believe in the matrix to a certain degree but this has moved from my daytime reality to my dreams/nightmares although this is very recent. I used to believe that the minds of the population were hooked up to a neural interactive network, by microwave radiation, from organic chips grown on the brains surface manipulated by the radiation developed by sony cybernetics, adjusted by hyper tones that I sometimes hear in the ether, all overseen by the artificial intelligence in japan and america. The chip also regulates heart rate and pulse when the spirit is taken from my body leaving me catatonic. These mainframes would be collecting data from each person including all sensory information and also thought patterns, memory algorithms, and visualisations (which they could also manipulate). This data would be transferred to the extra terrestrial forces that farm us for creative knowledge, as they do not possess an imagination of their own. Some people comment on the purposeless lives we humans live to procreate and sustain our existence to no feasible end. So in this way our purpose is to feed the extra terrestrial element in our universe. As I developed this perception I visualised many amazing images that built a false temporary reality that I walked around in for a week.

Due to having access to this network I was approached indirectly by the security services and I also believed that I was put under guard by a royal marine commando who I still have contact with.

As for the aboriginals who I believed at the time showed me how to break my programming by seizure (psychotic episode) I still talk to them but they are fighting for their rights in australia after 100 years of the british taking a whole generation away from their culture and society. I believe that because I am english the aboriginals saw a chance to reap revenge in some way on me as an english citizen.
The aboriginal dreamtime consists of a time before time existed where the great spirit created the world and in folklore can be communicated to by walking in the desert and when you see something in the mist or ether as they call it you are truly blessed for this gift is rare. At the same time voices can be said to exist in the ethereal plane and just like in the desert where the mirages in the ether show amazing images so too the voices exist as a type of audible mirage in the ethereal.

As a schizophrenic I strived to gain control over my voices in the form of the psychopathic ability, telepathy but the I found the replication of a voice is only what your perception expects them to say so the realistic replication of a conversation is very realistic and even when I am not forcing the issue with my voices they still chatter on in the background 24/7. It’s when they start shouting and screaming and judging me for past sins that I get most distressed. I once met a man that I believed was gabriel the arch angel and he asked me if I had ever sinned and when I said yes he said “well you’re a sinner then.” and I never saw him again but if he thought I would go to hell when I die, well its too late because ive already been there and lived to tell the tale. My voices still accuse me of being an impostor because they don’t recognise me anymore compared to the confident/arrogant son of a b**ch that I used to be.
Buddha has been a constant source of inspiration to me and I hope one day ill enter nirvana as a worthy human being.