Long-distance Relationship And a Crush On My Friend... Posted: 11-08-05 20:26pm
Hello all...I be new on these forums, so
hopefully I won't sound like too much of a
stupid newbie. Anyway, I wasn't quite
sure where to place this topic - hopefully
I wasn't too far off with the dating
forum. Here's my story:
i've been dating a wonderful guy named
"corey" for a bit over 4 1/2 months, and I
love him like no other. He's everything I
could ever ask for in a guy, and there's
not one thing I would change about him (at
least nothing I have seen so far). He's
like a dream come true to me, and I just
know thet we were destined to be together;
yeah it sounds corny, but he's unlike
anyone else i've ever known and I just
can't imagine us not being together.
But here's my problem...I have begun to
realize that I have a bit of a crush on my
friend "bobby". I'll point out that corey
is back in my home town, 500 miles away
while i'm here in college. I met bobby
about a month ago and got to be good
friends with him since then; I know he
doesn't care for me beyond friendship,
even though he had done a couple of things
before that made me really think that he
did. What I feel for him is not an
intense love...Hell, it's not even "love".
It's just a crush, and i'm not even
entirely sure why I am so drawn to
him...He's got a nice personality and
quite a few qualities I like in a guy.
But I don't want to pursue him or
anything...I want us to remain friends and
that's it.
Bobby had asked me last night to try and
start conversation with a girl that
neither of us knows because he wants to
date her; I just felt this sensation of
coldness rush through my heart when he
told me this - it was because of this
stupid infatuation with him. I feel awful
having this school-girl crush on my friend
when i've got a boyfriend back home. I
would never cheat on corey with anyone, so
it's not that that i'm concerned about. I
just don't want to get all giddy when i'm
near bobby, which I have done once or
twice, but I don't think he took the hint,
which is good.
I'm not asking how to leave my boyfriend
or how to tell my friend that I like him -
all i'm asking is if any of you guys know
how I can begin to forget these feelings
for bobby. I don't want this crush to
escalate. I know the reason why my heart
is going out to bobby is because I feel so
damn lonely without my boyfriend here, and
bobby is the best friend i've made here
thus far, and I think bobby is the kind of
guy who's not afraid to get close to his
female friends in a friendly way, if that
makes any sense.
Any thoughts on this matter? I know I
sound like an awful person, but i'm just
wondering if anyone can tell me how I can
start to forget bobby.
|
~baby~g~
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jul 2005 Posts: 221 Location: Ohio
Posted: 11-10-05 14:47pm
Hey! Well there is really no way you can
forget about your friend. This happens to
people all the time, it just happened to
me not to long ago.
I've been with my bf for 10 months now
& we broke up for a few weeks back in
august/september & I was in the same
situation as you. I had this friend that
I had a major crush on. You know what I
did? I got with him when I broke up with
my bf, so you could pretty much say I
broke up with my bf for this 'friend' of
mine. Big mistake. It only lasted about
3 weeks. I just missed my bf sooooo much,
and I knew he was the one for me! So I
made a big mistake by getting with both of
them & my 'friend' bf found out I had
sex with my other bf & it was just a
big mess. I regret all of this..But it
only made me stronger & show how much
I love my bf.
My advice to you is to just push your
friend away a little, go out & find
some friends that are females..People to
talk to about your issues. If the guy
friend tries to hit on you tell him to
stop, even though it could be hard. When
you're around him think about your bf back
at home & how much you love & miss
him, or even run memories of you 2 through
your head.
I know you said you didn't wanna leave
your bf but i'll tell you this anyways.
Never leave the one you love for the one
you like because they can leave you for
the one they love. Also, most guys flip
out when they find their girl hanging out
with another guy. So, your bf could start
to wonder if you & your friend are
messing around. My bf is like that all
the time but I love him & i'll never
make the mistake of leaving him again.
I don't want you to make that mistake,
because you don't deserve to be hurt. :)
im here if you need anyone to talk to!
<33 kayla
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Cambion
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Nov 2005 Posts: 747
Thanks: 3
Thanked:0
Posted: 11-10-05 22:55pm
Thanks for the advice, babyg. In all
honesty, because i'm such a tomboy, I make
friends with guys a lot easier than I make
friends with girls. My boyfriend knows
this and he's totally cool with it - i've
told him i'm friends with bobby and he
trusts me. He knows I would never cheat
on him, and I never would anyway, so he
has no reason to be suspicious of me. It
feels so awesome to be trusted...My
ex-boyfriend never trusted me and would
threaten any guys who looked as if they
were hitting on me, even if they were his
own friends. Corey is far more trusting
in me, and that trust he holds in me is
one of the many reasons why I love him so
much. I know not many guys would be
comfortable with their girl hanging with
other guys.
I know at one point, I tried to get over
my old crush on corey (before we began
dating), but it was impossible because I
was desperately in love with him for
months, and I cried because I loved him so
much but could not tell him. That's
absolutely not how I feel about bobby - so
I think it'll be a lot easier to get over
my little crush on him. I guess i'll just
take the situation a step at a time.
Thanks again for your thoughts, babyg - I
appreciate it a lot.
I'm afraid I have a bit of bad news - bad
news on my part. My friend bobby came to
see me last night because I was feeling so
upset and lonely, and everything started
out innocently enough with just some
simple conversation, but eventually bobby
began putting the moves on me and started
kissing my neck. I asked him to stop, but
later when I was trying to poke him and he
pinned my arms down, he had kissed me on
the mouth. Because of my stupid crush, I
admit I kind of wanted him to kiss
me...Just once. But that one little kiss
led to making out - I admit it was
enjoyable because we were caught up in the
heat of the moment and I just wasn't fully
taking into consideration what was going
on. Afterwards, I felt awful for what we
had done and I cried in front of him. And
at this point, I don't know if he's
officially going to be mad at me forever
because of what went on or not.
He told me he was used to being 'used',
which wasn't a good excuse because I felt
awful. I had made out with my friend and
then he told me than he liked me to my
face. I had told him after our kiss-fest
that, while I found him to be a great
friend with a wonderful personality, I was
truly in love with my boyfriend. At first
he seemed understanding, but from then
until the time he left, I couldn't tell if
he was being sarcastic with some of what
he said or if he was being serious. All I
know is that bobby is the only friend i've
made here in college so far, and i'm so
scared that he's going to hate me forever.
If he did, I honestly wouldn't blame
him...But I can only hope he will be able
to forgive me.
He even had admitted that it was his fault
for putting the moves on me and sort of
seducing me when he knew I had a
boyfriend, but I know very well it was
both our faults - partially his for making
the moves, and mostly mine for letting him
go as far as he did.
All I know is I want to remain his friend,
but I can't quite say just how probable
that's going to be. I feel godawful pain
in my heart knowing I cheated on my
boyfriend (although I had always
considered cheating to be claiming love
for or sleeping with someone else when one
is dating or married). I want to tell him
so I can be truthful with him, but I also
don't want to tell him because I know
it'll break his heart. I swear, I did not
intend for the events of last night to
happen...Neither did bobby. He wanted to
simply tell me how he felt about me, but
we didn't plan on having it go as far as
it did.
Sorry...I just had to vent. I feel so
horrible now knowing i've been unfaithful
to my boyfriend and I may have possibly
lost my only friend.
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sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 11-13-05 13:57pm
Long distance relationships are difficult,
I know, I have been there! There is
nothing wrong woth having a male friend,
yes, you made a mistake, now it is time to
do what you feel is right. We all make
mistakes!
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Cambion
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Nov 2005 Posts: 747
Thanks: 3
Thanked:0
Posted: 11-13-05 17:52pm
Perhaps, sandyallen...But I just don't
know what is the right thing to do. Part
of me believes that the right thing is to
come clean with my boyfriend so I won't
need to harbor this awful secret forever,
but the other part of me says that I
should keep my mouth shut so as to avoid
causing my boyfriend unnecessary emotional
suffering.
I love my boyfriend, despite what I have
done this past night. I have begun to
tell him bits and pieces of what happened
between bobby and i, such as bobby
admitting he had feelings for me and him
putting the moves on me, and kissing me.
I have not told him that bobby and I had
actually made out and that I enjoyed it
somewhat. But what went on between us was
purely physical - those kisses did not
make me care for bobby more.
Honestly, my boyfriend was kind of
accepting of what I have told him so
far...I had told him that bobby kissed me
after admitting he cared for me, and I had
said something along the lines of "even if
bobby had bound me and made out with me, I
still wouldn't stop loving you because
kisses aren't the same as real love"...I
guess I sort of implied what happened.
But I just can't find the courage to tell
him the whole story just yet, if i'll tell
him at all.
I'm upset knowing all this has happened,
but i'm also upset that I have betrayed my
boyfriend and may have possibly lost the
only friend i've made in college. It's
just so much heart ache right now and it's
awful, but I know what happened was my
fault, and I need to live with the pain
i've brought upon myself.
|
~baby~g~
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jul 2005 Posts: 221 Location: Ohio
Posted: 11-13-05 18:25pm
Hun, everything will be okay trust me.
Just tell your bf & if he loves you
then he will accept what happened, just
don't let it happen again. You can't
loose him. When you love someone then
they will give you another chance.
When my bf & I was together for hmm
about 6 months I cheated on him with a guy
I barely knew, you know what? I called
him & cried to him as soon as I got
done. Just 2 days before that I lost my
virginity to my bf. This guy kinda did
what your friend bobby did..Just started
doing it but i'm the one who let him
continue to do it. In the end my bf
accepted the fact, I mean yes he was upset
but we love each other soo much! I
learned from this & it will never
happen again.
If this guy is really your friend he will
understand but you will find out if he was
a true friend on not...If he talks to you
& wants to stay your friend then
that's great but if he ignores you and
doesn't talk to you then thats his loss.
You seem like a great person.
My bf lives 1 hr n 10 mins from me..I
don't get to see him everyday like I want
to..Yes I miss him but i'm doing this
because I love him & we know we can
make it until we graduate to be married
& live together. I graduate next year
& he graduates in 2008, he's 17 &
i'm 16..But he is the one for me & it
sounds like your bf is the one for you.
Remember he is still there...
Tell him everything though because if he
finds out in the future then it may mess
everything up with you because you didn't
tell him right away..I'm here for you
& good luck!
<3 kayla
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ironmantaylors
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Nov 2005 Posts: 38 Location: montana
Up to You Posted: 11-13-05 19:03pm
When you are in a relationship you have to
decide to be in it. Having friends of
the other sex just make it harder on you,
and confuse you with your true feelings.
Most men and women find sex pleasureable
so, if the opportunity presents
itself......You may find it hard to
resist.
Years ago I had a long distance
relationship for 2 years. My girlfriend
had a guy friend, she cheated, and dumped
me because she did not feel worthy of me
after that. She married the other guy,
and spent the next two years literally in
a living hell. He was abusive,
controlling, manipulative, a real snake.
My ex would call me and ask for help, I
said I would and even arranged for her to
get an apartment close to mine and help
her with rent. She did never did use my
help, but did get out of the marriage with
bad credit, and nothing but clothes she
was wearing. She had lost her self
respect, her positive attitude, her
twinkle in her eye. He killed her soul.
It ruined her.
Her and I got married 2 years later, and
after 5 years just got divorced. She
never did trust me. She will never trust
any man in her life, that I can see
because of one problem.
True story. She will not take my help
today, and she needs it. And I am moving
on.
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Cambion
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Nov 2005 Posts: 747
Thanks: 3
Thanked:0
Posted: 11-14-05 23:07pm
I decided that i'm not going to tell my
boyfriend what went on between my friend
and I - it's best if he doesn't know. But
if the guilt overpowers me, i'll end up
spilling the beans. I know I acted the
way I did because I was so lonely - I may
like my friend, but I don't love him. I
admit, I enjoyed our little escapade, but
the feelings I have for my friend are not
even close to being as strong as the
feelings I have for my boyfriend.
Long-distance relationships are a pain in
the behind, but I don't ever want to give
my boyfriend up - we love each other far
too much to go our own separate ways in
life. I might have a couple of crushes
over the course of my college life, but no
guy would ever be able to take the place
of my boyfriend in my heart.
I really hope I don't let my loneliness
take over my body again and I end up in
this mess a second time.
Thank you all for your advice - I
appreciate it very much.
