Boyfriend's Old Life Creeping Back Posted: 12-10-03 11:18am
Hello, I have a recent dilema sorta that I
need a little help on. I would ask my
friends but I don't want them to have a
bad opinion of him.
Before me, he lived with his
ex-girlfriend, his best-friend and his
girlfriend. These people are into raving
and partying. I have no issue with that.
His friend is a really nice guy but i'm
starting to notice they really like their
drugs too much. They find every excuse
to get high. I'd say every time i've
seen them they've at least smoked pot.
With this, I don't have an issue...What I
do have an issue with is their ecstacy
usage. And my boyfriend was into it too.
When we first started dating, he told me
he's over it. That type of life style
and culture is absaloutely not my thing.
But these are his friends and I accept
that but do not accept that he's been
doing it too. He's only done it three
times...Twice with me, once after he said
he wouldn't and I told him after the last
time I am not comfortable with him doing
it and it's not part of my life style.
He said he understands and won't do it
anymore. Last night, he brought up doing
e on new years. He says, "i can do drugs
if I want" and I said, "that's fine, then
you can celebrate by yourself because I
won't be there..I'm not going to be around
my boyfriend high when i'm uncomfortable
with the situation" he said nothing but
sighed a few times and fell asleep. I
have to talk to him about how serious I am
that this is not my choice in life style
and I will not be with someone that does e
and these people put nothing but a bad
influence on him. What should I say to
him that will really make him understand
this is not cool with me and not seem like
i'm telling him what to do but that if he
chooses to be with me, he has to leave his
past behind!
|
LadyL
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2003 Posts: 18 Location: NJ
Whoa Posted: 12-10-03 12:24pm
That's quite a situation. You must feel
very frustrated. Alomst as though you
think he might be choosing e over you.
When I was younger, I did e and k every
weekend. I loved the way it would make
me feel, and it was always a good time.
But eventually, I just grew out of it. I
got annoyed with not being able to fall
asleep when I wanted to, and stuff like
that. But I had to grow out of it, no
one could have made me stop doing it.
How long has your boyfriend been rolling?
Is it possible that he could/would just
eventually grow out of it too? It is
very difficult when only one person in the
relationship wants to play around with
drugs. I think that in time, he will be
able to make a decision that you are what
is important to him. You are what will
be good for his life and future. E will
just be in the past for good stories to
share with people. One question though,
you mentioned that you did e with him
twice. Did you not enjoy it? As far a
new years, you probably won't have fun if
he is rolling, and you aren't. I would
make it very clear to him that you want to
spend new years with him, but to just have
fun drinking, no drugs....
|
minerwater
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2003 Posts: 153 Location: Canada
Posted: 12-10-03 12:32pm
Thanks for the reply.
No, I have only tried it once..The first
time I saw him do it too.
This is not a habbit of his. He use to do
it. But when we first started dating we
hung around a different group of his
friends that arent' into drugs. Then for
the first time in august, we went to wemf
(rave) in support of another group of
friends because he was funding it and I
didn't like it. I tried mdma and I don't
want to do it again, and the culture of
raves and the drugs are not in my taste!
Since we've moved in together and in the
same city as these party friends..He's
done it 3 times since august..2 times too
many for me. And last time he did it was
on halloween. He went to a party alone (
I didn't want to go) and promised he
wouldnt do it cause I told him I didn't
like him doing it. Instead he came home
high. I was furrious the next day and
told him I cannot live like this and it's
not my life style. He said he'll not do
it again. Then last night he mentioned to
do it new years...And our first one
together too! And I donno if it's him
particularily but he just sits there
sighing, laying on the floor, rolling his
head in the back of his head and doesn't
talk. This is uncomfortable for me to be
around him.
I told him he'll be going alone if he
doses. I am going to talk to him tonight
about this situation and basically tell
him to choose between a life (healthy
life) with me or the party life cause he's
not getting both. Not with me. It would
be one thing too if it was once a year but
it isn't...Been 3 since august.
|
nikki_caro
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Aug 2003 Posts: 4922 Location: Right here at work!
Posted: 12-10-03 13:12pm
Hey minerwater. You need to give your guy
a choice. If he knows your letting him
get by like this, he will continue it. He
might eventually grow out of it, but that
might be like 4 years from now. Are you
willing to wait that long? If he is
wanting to do it over new years then I
suggest you go somewhere else where you
can enjoy that time. Because if you go
with him, I can garantee he will do it,
and you will be upset and you will be by
yourself wishing you never went, youd
rather be at home. Hes gonna be high and
enjoying himself and he wont care if you
are mad or not. Its just how it works.
You need to tell him he has his priorities
backwords. Its supposed to be you, then
the other things. You need to tell him,
if he wants to keep getting high forever
until you finally breakup, then fine. Its
how he wants it. And its his decision.
He needs to see what is worth more to him,
getting high on e or being with you.
Maybe you should have him spend less time
with his friends and more time with
positive people who dont do drugs. Good
luck.
|
minerwater
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2003 Posts: 153 Location: Canada
Posted: 12-10-03 13:16pm
Thanks!
Well, I never want to say he cannot hang
out with his friends. They don't see that
much of each other and don't do e that
often but I just don't want to be with and
e head...What more can I say? It's not my
choice in life style.
We're going to talk tonight..I'm just
emotionally distraut all day over this
hoping he isn't an ass. Other wise he'll
see us dwindle or he'll be having lots of
fun by himself!
I'm going to tell him that if he gets high
or I know he will, i'll either not go or
leave. Plain and simple. He does it this
new years and i'm leaving the party.
|
LadyL
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2003 Posts: 18 Location: NJ
Posted: 12-10-03 13:19pm
Well you sound like a very strong person
who will stand their ground. I hope your
coversation with him tonight is
productive. Just for another back up in
your argument, you can mention to him that
e tends to make him sit there sighing,
laying on the floor, rolling his eyes in
the back of his head and doesn't talk.
The typical roll that people look for make
them chatty, happy and very dancy. In my
opinion, the e he is buying is pretty
crappy and he's better off not doing it at
all.
|
minerwater
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2003 Posts: 153 Location: Canada
Posted: 12-10-03 13:23pm
The other point of it is too that I love
him and care what he's doing to himself.
Imagine this.
You boyfriend/girlfriend says: "i don't do
crack anymore but I might do it once in a
while..."..What's different? It's still
as dangerous..Just because so many people
are doing it doesn't make it right.
I hate this!!!
I will let you know how our talk goes.
But yes, i'm standing my ground. I've
been in lots of problems with friends and
family who've been and are in abusive
substances and it's hard for me.
|
minerwater
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2003 Posts: 153 Location: Canada
Posted: 12-11-03 08:31am
Well, we resolved it. He will not be
doing it on new years.
And he'll do it one last time and that is
it.
I told him this is not a life i'm going to
lead with anyone.
|
nikki_caro
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Aug 2003 Posts: 4922 Location: Right here at work!
Posted: 12-11-03 15:47pm
Well thats good but I think he can go on
without that last time
|
minerwater
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2003 Posts: 153 Location: Canada
Posted: 12-11-03 15:49pm
Yes - but isn't there always a "last
time"?
I'd suffer through a last time for a never
again.
I just wsih these people weren't in his
life and he had
decent friends.
He does but they don't live in the same
city.
|
LadyL
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2003 Posts: 18 Location: NJ
Yay! Posted: 12-12-03 15:21pm
Hi minerwater! I'm so happy for you that
your talk with him went so well. now he knows
exactly how much it bothers you, and you
can be certain about his respect and
feelings for you. Agreeing to one last
time just shows that sometimes you have to
give a little to get a little. Will you
be joining him for his last time?
|
minerwater
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2003 Posts: 153 Location: Canada
Posted: 12-12-03 15:22pm
Lol..He wants me to but I have no
interest.
None.
|
LadyL
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2003 Posts: 18 Location: NJ
Posted: 12-12-03 15:30pm
Have a wonderful new years together!
(e-free)
|
minerwater
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2003 Posts: 153 Location: Canada
Posted: 12-12-03 15:32pm
Haha..Thanks!
You too...The good new years part anyways!
|
LadyL
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2003 Posts: 18 Location: NJ
New Years Posted: 01-08-04 16:01pm
Hi minerwater!
How did news years go with your boyfriend?
Did it all work itself out fine?
|
minerwater
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2003 Posts: 153 Location: Canada
Posted: 01-08-04 16:03pm
Thanks for thinking of me!
Yes - it went well...Everyone else was on
drugs and honestly, I didn't enjoy myself
much. It was boring too...And too long.
Oh well - apparently his friend says new
years was his last time too. I don't
believe it but it's good for him.
