Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum - Is It Me Or Him???? Or Maybe Both?!


Is It Me Or Him???? Or Maybe Both?!

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lovehazard

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 13 Nov 2005
Posts: 3

Is It Me Or Him???? Or Maybe Both?! Posted: 11-13-05 13:53pm


Hi, my situation is long and complicated. Please bear with me and take the time to help. I need it! If I seem blunt and short about some things or unclear, it is because I dont want anyone I know to possibly recognise me. I have been with this guy for eight years, since I was a young teen. Basically, I quickly wanted to end the relationship, but he went nuts and threatened suicide, so I stayed. Eventually, I fell in love (i think) and we became somewhat happy together. The thing is that I was abusive for sometime because I felt like I was forced in this relationship, but he still wanted to stay together, so we went on that way (in the abusive relationship). Eventually I matured and I wasnt so abusive, but it seems like as soon as I let my guard down he changed. He became argumantative and defensive or whatever. I love him but I dont feel in love anymore. I yearn for that feeling again but just cant find it with him. I have had feelings for others but never pursued anything because I would never cheat on my current or hurt him like that. So many times I voice this stuff out to him and he gets upset and says fine leave, although most of th time he says "please don't leave me" etc... (we live together now) two times I almost actually left, but as I pack my things he says he is going to disappear and that noone will ever see him again. He knows the way I feel about threats, and he threatens anyway. I know a lot og people bs about hurting themselves but you can never be sure. Especially now, I recently had a friend comit suicide because of some girl. Anyway, I often find myself picking at him and complaing about things he does or says etc. I feel like he is so dumb, and I know these are characteristics of an abusive person. But I think it is because I am somewhat trapt in this relationship. He is driving me nuts, I spilled grape soda on him today he got me so mad. He was yelling at me and talking nonsense (i dont blame him) its jut that he got me so upset. Sometimes I tlak to him and he doesnt respond because he is busy with his games. Also, he has no motivation he is stringing me along in this. We live in his parents basement. I have a good job and can move outbut im affraid of what will happen to him. Like I said im not in lvoe with him, but I love him, he is like family, a brother to me. He never even buys me a gift or flowers, never proposed to me, but I am not allowed to leave. Speaking to him about it doesnt hekp, he gets defensive and turns the blame on me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, there is so much more to tell, but I dont want to bore anyone, so if you have questions in order to help me please ask.

lovehazard

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 13 Nov 2005
Posts: 3

Posted: 11-13-05 13:57pm


I feel like I am going to lose it, you know? I go to work and nobody has a clue of what we are oing through. My family thinks we are the happiest couple alive. We tell noone anything. I need to talk to somebody. I feel pathetic like a hamster stuck in one of those rolly balls.

bealine

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 18 Nov 2005
Posts: 9
Location: Gatwick Airport United Kingdom

Posted: 11-21-05 07:41am


I think there are a lot of issues here, lovehazard - and I think both of you need to learn to appreciate one another. I've been married 24 years and my marriage is suffering a tough time right now, but for different reasons (as you'll see if you look at my posting "marriage in trouble". This is my twopennyworth - don't take my advice until you hear other replies too, some may not agree with me! Wait till you've got a few ideas and chew them over first, you can then decide what's best for you! First off - what is love??? The love you have as a teenager, when you can't get someone out of your mind (and which phone companies exploit mercilessly through text services) 24/7 starts to disappear once the marriage or cohabiting relationship has been going a year or two. It should be replaced by a mutual bonding (where you've "got used" to each other). If you don't feel this way, then you have never been in love with him and it was very wrong of him to trap you into the relationship. Equally, every day you spend with someone that you are actually (by the sound of it) growing to dislike, is unfair to both of you. Threatening to commit siucide is one of the most despicable things anyone can do and shows considerable immaturity - in my own situation, I feel suicidal, but I know that "topping myself" would solve nothing - and actually make those around me that I hold dear despise me! As adults, the pair of you should be able to sit down together - in front of friends or counsellors if you're too frightened that (a) you'll lose it or (b) that he'll do something dreadful - and discuss the issue in a mature and sensible way, possible opting for a "trial separation for 4-6 weeks to get your head round what direction you want your life to go! After all, if you "love him as a brother" then you should, in theory, be able to remain friends after a break! At the end of the day, the clock is ticking away for you both - do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't love as a husband and does he want to spend the rest of his life keeping someone a virtual prisoner??? Do you have any good mutual friends that you like and trust well enough to help you???

lovehazard

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 13 Nov 2005
Posts: 3

Posted: 11-26-05 11:53am


Thanks for your response bealine. I already posted a long response and it got wiped after asking me to log in again :( I will try to rewrite fast. There are many factors here that make me feel the way I feel, for the good and the bad. For insatnce we were young and inexperienced when we met. We basically learned from eachother. Sometimes I think that he became this way because of my cruelty in the past. Out of many male friends, I only was interested in like two. I guess it was a bit frustrating knowing that this person might be a perfect match, but I would never find out. I dropped these friendships because I felt they werent appropriate and my bf wouldnt approve... I never got to date like the average youth. As a matter of fact, I am so trained that the thought of dating sounds scary...Like hurt, discovering incompatabilities, letdown, jealousy, and whatever else comes along with it. I didnt mention last time that he has tons of great qualities. Sometimes anger speaks louder than the heart. We are much alike. We love the same music, games, hobbies etc. We are both good hearted, we love animals, give money to bums etc (this one he learned from me). We've gone through many life experiences together and learned from eachother. He is quite affectionate, sometimes too much so. If I am hungry in the middle of the night, he runs out and gets me something. I dont know what would happen to us out in the cruel world, without eachother. I am starting to think that my standards and outlook for him are and were too high, and now I find myself picking at him for the littlest things. Maybe we try to mold eachother into the high image weve always held for eachother. As for what you asked me about "mutual friends". Pretty much all of our friend are mutual because he doesnt like me to go out without him, so he meets all my friends. However, I dont share all of his friends because I dont care to tag along with him each time or meet all of them. I am not allowed to go out drinking with friends without him because he says I will cheat on him, although I never have cheated on him, or even came close to that. I used to confide in my childhood bestfriend, who is in a near identical situation as me, accept that her guy is not as good hearted and kind to her like mine is to me, plus she cheated on him. Anyway, we are both very busy nowadays, or I am more so. As for everyone else, I just don't trust them. I guess I am weird like that. I let them believe we are the "perfect" couple, that they think we are. I apologize for any spelling/grammar errors here, because I typed this very fast, being that my first post, which was more in depth and less confusing was wiped. Anymore questions for a better understanding are welcome....There is so much to this and I can't get through all of it. I am sorry to hear that your marriage is suffering. You sound like a great person, and I will read about it after I post this. P.S. I am copying, incase it gets wiped again!

diamondsz

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Joined: 07 Oct 2005
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Location: , Candyland-Canada

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Posted: 11-26-05 13:50pm


Hun hes abusive whether you like it or not, he doesnt let you go out or he threatens you every time you want to leave, my advice leave him and dont look back....... Im 21 and married and our relationship is so open, there is the odd time something comes up but even I am not perfect, I have never told hubby he couldnt do something and haubby respects me the same. A relationship is 50/50 respect goes both ways and alot of stuff is shared, you are putting yourself in a dangerous sitiuation I have been there and got abused and raped by someone who told me they loved me. You need to stop putting up with the bs and tell him your leaving if he threatens to kill himself call the cops (its illegal to harm yourself) and they will get him the help he needs so you shoudnlt feel bad.... Please send me an email, I know theres more to the story and I think I can relate alot better, I left a guy like that and hated men for awhile and met hubby a year after, so I hope I can help or pm me je ssica_lyne2@hotmail.Com brilyan tee@yahoo.Com jess