Scared And Not Sure How to Handle Or What to Do Posted: 11-20-05 11:30am
Hi! I am new here and looking for some
advice. Let me give you some background
and then maybe some advice from you all
would be great.
I am 24, my husband is 32. We have been
together now for 5.5 years and have a 2
year old. We have only been married 2.5
of that 5. During my years of growing up
I lived in a mentally/physically abusive
and sexually abusive home. I lived with
my mom and stepdad where my mom was made
to feel like she wasnt worth anything, my
stepdad ruled everything that was said and
or done. There were times where he would
hit me for doing something worng and or he
would make me kiss him and hold me
down...( to me I call this being molested,
forced to do things by someone in trust
when not wanted) it started when I was
like 7, only happned 4 times but enough to
the point where I told my mom at 17. She
then moved me out and still to this day
lives with him. My whole family are
acholics and physically abusive. I moved
out of my familys home to another family I
had thought I knew from 5 years old. They
were mentally abusive in every way
possible. When I was 19 a man came along,
my now husband. He says he rescued me. I
thought I love him, thought he was the
greatest thing on earth and true love (how
was I supposed to know love, love for me
came from hell) but I stayed with him and
devoted my every minute to him. I have
done eberything in the sun for him. He is
32 and has had crohns disease since he was
18, we have been in and out of the
hospital more times than I can imagine,
more surgeries and then this summer he
went thorugh 4 months in the hospital with
6 life altering surgeries. Now, I felt as
my world was falling apart evrytime he was
ill, I was there from sun up to sun down.
I stayed there in the hsopital with him
everytime. I jeporadized my job and
everything that came with it for him. I
guess now I feel like I needed to take
care of something. Now, that is all I
do, I am a caregive not a wife. He in
alot of aspects have not been there for
me, not uspportive in so many ways.
Nothing given back, I am not a person who
likes to take, I always give but I am
tired of giving, that is all I have done
my entire life. Is that selfish. He has
been ill and out of a job this entire
summer, left me to tend to the new house,
dogs, child and work and visiting him in
the hopsital every day morning and night.
He was a firefighter and now due to his
condition he can no longer be.
About a year ago, I felt as if I didnt
have those in love feelings with him and
not sure if I ever did. How do you know
if you are in love or just love him??
What is the major difference?
I know that I am not in love with him but
cant make him understand my feelings, he
is a great man, who deserves to be loved
the way he seems to love me. What do I
do???
Do any of you see anything I wrote that
tells you I was in this relationship for a
better place, comfortable and to get out
of my hell of a life anyways. I look back
and everytime I had times where I was done
and out, I turned to a man, why is
that???
Please help :cry:
|
lovinmom4
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2005 Posts: 37
Very Young Posted: 11-20-05 13:06pm
Dear married and lost,
you have been through alot to be so young.
From what you have
said, it seems as if you do turn to people
for love or comfort. I think (from what
you have said) that you need to learn to
love yourself
before you can think about loving someone
else. Your self esteem seems very low and
that is quite understandable since you
have been through hell since a child.
Your mother should have moved him out, not
you. I think that marriage counseling is
definitely in order here as well as
counseling for yourself. I do believe
that once you take those vows, you should
be with that person through sickness and
health. But, you have to learn not to
take on so much responsibility. You have
to have a life, for yourself as well as
your daughter. No, I do not think you
should just walk off and leave your
husband, especially him being sick. But I
do believe that you do not have to stay so
long with him at the hospital....Can you
have anyone(family, friends, etc.) come in
and help you out? You need to take care
of yourself. You seem like a very
affectionate and giving person, so give
yourself a break. Please try counseling
for yourself. It does help. I wish you
and your family the best.
|
*MARRIEDandLOST*
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Nov 2005 Posts: 3 Location: USA
Posted: 11-20-05 14:12pm
Lovinmom4,
thanks for the response. I feel as you
are right, I have to love my self more
before I can expect someone too. That
will be tough for me. I have gone to
counseling and I guess for me, I havent
found the right person. We have also gone
together by my intiation and that didnt
help. So, ths is selfish, but I have
tried and he still hasnt so....
I just feel as I have given alot to this
relationship and all and I am tired and
dont want to anymore. He isnt sick
anymore, 100% now than he had ever been
before...So he is doing well.
Thanks for the advice, I appreciated it.
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lovinmom4
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2005 Posts: 37
Posted: 11-20-05 22:51pm
Have you talked with him about all this?
Your husband? If not, you should just sit
down when the timing is right. Make an
appt to talk with him. Let him know your
feelings. Let him know how serious this
is. Although I do not want to tell you to
just leave him, maybe a little time apart?
A professional would best answer your
questions. I do know it takes a while in
counseling sometimes to resolve any
concerns or problems. Try to be happy
doing things you like to do. Best of luck
to you.
|
SadiyahBaby
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 27
Posted: 11-29-05 16:34pm
I believe you have given a lot to the
relationship but think maybe he feels like
he has too...I think that being in a
relationship where one partner is sick is
very hard and for along time their was
only negative parts in your
relationship...I think that you should
take the time out with him when he is
much better to see if you are still in
love with me..Cause I think he deserves
that instead of you just picking up and
leaving him which might be the easiest
thing to do,but you might regert it in the
end...It just takes time..But you know
whats best for you and I hope it all works
for the better
