Eating Disorders Forum - Fresh Start: Confessions of a Bulimic

Hey all, i've been bulimic for a few years now. It started when my cousin introduced me to a pack of meal replacements which made me lose weight. But the catch was that I had to control my cravings and diet so badly that when it was time to resume normal eating habits, I lost all control. I was so afraid of eating again and gaining back the weight so I started to make myself vomit after meals. It has not stopped ever since; sometimes I vomit after normal meals, on other occasions I would feast all fatty stuff and then force myself to vomit.

I know this has to stop and an hour ago, I made a promise to myself that I would stop. I know it is goin to be difficult but I will try my hardest. Bulimia has created so much havoc in my life, made me depressed at times and unwilling to face reality. I keep dreaming of better times when I finally am thin and beautiful and enjoying life so much so that I totally am not living in the present.

I've always been on the plump side and well-meaning friends and relatives have always been there to point the fact out to me. Hence, through the years, my self-esteem was largely associated to how much I weigh or more accurately, how thin I am. It took me a lot to come to this juncture but the turning point came when I went through one of the most horrible days of my life yesterday. Currently, i'm trying to lose weight for my cousin's wedding two weeks from now and in normal fashion i'm crash-dieting as well as purging. I purged so hard yesterday that I was practically tearing non-stop and vomiting some threads of blood. Yet the frustrating part was that nothing came out. I guess my body has been so starved of proper solid food that it refuses to let go of any solid food that goes into my system.

I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically from the stress I put on myself. I don't want to continue living life like that, constantly hoping for the better in the future but yet running away from reality in the present time. I'm a fairly outgoing person and always appear to be happy and cheerful around people. But I hide this deep dark secret which is over-whelming me so much that when I feel that things are not goin as planned or the way I want, I withdraw from life completely. I don't feel that going out because I feel that I look fat in clothes. I wear loose clothing all the time. I am 22 and should be at the prime of my life; having fun, enjoying life. Yet, here I am struggling with myself. Its as if I have an inner demon inside of me which I have to battle.

The funny thing is that I just had liposuction a few months ago. I thought that going through with the operation would relieve me of some of my weight problems as i've always had issues with the lower half of my body but I now realise that it has not really solved anything. I actually i'm more paranoid at gaining weight now more than ever and regaining my pre-lipo thunder thighs. I now realise that the problem is not my weight but deep down inside me. I have issues with food and guess am generally lazy with very little self-control. I'm tend to also procrastinate, even when i'm suppose to exercise and like the take the shortcut way of the things, especially when it comes to exercising.

I'm like my own worst nightmare; a perfectionist who constantly feels like an under-achiever. But, I feel a little better when I know that i'm sharing this, hoping that people in similar positions can share with me as well and most importantly, stop deceiving themselves like what i've been doing just a few hours ago. Somehow, a few hours ago I just decided that this all has to stop. I don't know if I will be able to go through with the self-healing process but i'm goin to try my damnest. I refuse to continue living like this. This I know I owe to myself for all the pain i've put myself through. This is one battle I will win. Wish me luck.

P.S. If you wanna share anything with me, pls do drop me a mail at jo@umpire.Com< /a>