Im facing my fears, im doing really well.
That is a lie. All I do is ever lie. I
am a bad person. I have caused so much
pain for other people, why cant I be
better? Why cant I do something nice for
once, instead of always being so crewl and
nasty. Nothing I could ever do would be
enough to make up for the pain and
suffering I am constantly causing the ones
I love, and the ones that love me.
I dont deserve to be loved. Cant you see
that already? If I was a good person I
would be replying to others and helping
them, instead of writing a new message and
getting others to feel sorry for me and
them helping me. Its not fair. I havent
done anything to make me good enough do
deserve this help. I am such a bad
person. I am so selfish. Why cant I be
less selfish? Always what I want, talking
about myself...
Its not fair to others. Im not fair.
These are just some of my thoughts I get
when im down. They convince me that I am
bad and that I shouldnt stop thinking
them, because I have no right to because
im not worthy of being alright - I must
suffer for the pain I cause others.
Right now im a recovering bulimic (do I
deserve to use that word?).... As in.. I
try. I try my hardest but it just isnt
good enough. Not good enough for me, or
for anyone, even if they say it is, theyre
just trying to make me feel better cause
they can see how pathetic I am.
I am afraid that in recovering from
bulimia, I might have crossed paths with
some other eating disorder, or taken other
measures in order for control. Like an
exercise rutuine.
For the last 3 days I have been doing core
strenthening an aerobix for about 30 - 45
mins, and intense bike ride for 1 hour.
It doesnt sound much, I get that. But
today, I went on my bike ride and it was
fine, but I didnt do my aerobix.... It
was annoying me all day. Every time I
wasnt thinking about something else, I was
reminded of my failure to my plan. My
plan to get me skinnier. As the day went
on I found myself placing more and more
focus on this small factor that I didnt do
my exercise.
By 11 oclock it was unbearable, so after
some deliberating and reasoning, at 11:30
I started exercising.
This really really scares me, because I
dont want to go from one obsession to
another. I want to be free. Can any one
help and give me any advice on this?
|
tunasushi
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Aug 2005 Posts: 37
Posted: 11-29-05 21:21pm
Hey gurl.
Im so sorry ur feeling so down......Didnt
get to talk to you yesterday.
You have to believe in yourself the way
you believe in me.....I know you can do it
and together we will get out of this hell.
Keep your head high and keep on
fighting!!
