Really Lost & Needing Input Posted: 11-30-05 19:31pm
New here and looking for answers. Long
story short - I was with a man for 5 years
(2 years 1st time then 3 years 2nd time)
let me premise this by saying he was only
in one other relationship prior to me for
approx 6 mos. & he is 39 years old
and never in love prior to me he was the
most loving, giving, sensitive person in
the world. I and my children could not
want for anything. 1st time around he
ended it because he said that he could not
progress in the relationship as it needed
to. When he came back 3 months later
saying he felt sick without the kids and I
and couldn't imagine spending the rest of
his life without us I took him back on the
premise that this time it was for good
because I couldn't bear to put my kids and
myself through the pain we went through
after the breakup. He said that he wanted
a life with the kids and I and he would
never let it happen again. He came on so
strong, spent every moment together -
doing everything together. He basically
infaltrated my life and I welcomed it.
Things were great for a couple of years we
talked about marriage and he wasn't ready,
I kept the lines of communication open
about it and perhaps pushed sometimes too
hard but then knowing that we had a
wonderful relationship and accepted that -
I backed off. Then this past easter he
proposed..It was a very emotional and
amazing moment. We had planned to marry
this month. Well one month after
proposing and asking the children and I to
move in he changed his mind. Stating
things felt different. Then his
behaviour changed. Since may of this
year he began to spend less time or effort
on us. When I would try to talk to him
he shut down, walk out the door not to be
heard from again or burst into a rage (no
physical abuse - he would never) and bolt
from my house. I would have to call him
or I would never hear from him again.
This disappearing act when he didn't like
the conversation or indifferences we had
would occur many many times...And if it
weren't for me calling him I probably
wouldn' t have ever seen him again. Once
we talked things over he would be ok.
Well one month ago after we had another
talk about us he got out of my car and
left...I never heard from him again. I
wrote a letter 2 wks later to say I
assumed things were over but didn't want
to assume and asked him to contact me so
we could have closure to it. He never
called or wrote. I went to see him and
he was cold, I asked him if he wanted this
and he said no, I asked him if he wanted
to spend the rest of his life without me
and the kids - he said no. I said ok
lets get some help and do this. He said
it's not so easy. I let him be and we
decided to talk over the next few weeks.
But we never talked about us and how to
get us back. So I approached the subject
and we agreed to work on things together
not apart. All the while he was verbally
expressing his love and his future wishes
for us. The very next day he left a
message saying he didn't feel good and
would call the next day...I never heard
from him again... A week later when I
emailed to ask of my things (bike, key,
jewelry, etc) to be left in my shed when I
was going away, he didn't return them...So
a few days later I went to his house and
returned the ring and his things..He just
stood there cold and unfeeling. I asked
him to help me to understand - tell me you
hate me, or don't love me or there is
someone else...Something...He said no to
all - that he loved me and there would be
no one else - things just changed
inside..And I said goodbye and that I did
love him and tried so hard..He said I love
you..So as long winded as this is I am
asking for someone to please, please help
me understand...Do you think he is
bipolar? How can someone who can emit so
much love and love me be so shut off like
I don't exist the next moment...? How can
this be? He is like jekyl and hyde? If
someone could shed light on this I would
really appreciate it.
I am really lost :(
|
adamneedshelp
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Dec 2005 Posts: 5
Hi! Posted: 12-05-05 09:32am
Hi,
i know some things about bipolar, or
enough anyway. But by what you said some
of things could say he is, maybe if is
though he realy does love u but either he
know he has this and he is afraid to tell
u or maybe he is involved in somthing else
I do not kno but I think what u need to do
is call him up or get into some kind of
contact and talk it out with him, ask him
why he left and ask him why he says he
loves u but doesnt want to be with u, I
kno it is hard but I think it needs to be
done because u were with him for 5 years,
and it is hard to just not be with anyone
and not kno why they dd what they did. If
he doesnt kno himself why he is like this
maybe u can convince him to go take tests
and go to a docter to see what is up.
That would be the best for him because I
can tell that u do care for him and if u
care for him he might need help but is
afraid of doing it alone. Either way I
wish u the best of luck and I hope to hear
back from you!
I hope you find what your looking for, may
god be with you!
Adam
|
momix2
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Nov 2005 Posts: 3 Location: Canada
Thank You Posted: 12-05-05 10:28am
Hi adam,
thank you for your advice..However, I have
asked him sooo many times to talk about
why he's like he is and he either gets
flaberghasted or irate and withdrawn and
runs away. Last year I also asked him
to talk to someone as well (like my pastor
at church) and he agreed then refused.
His usual response when I have asked him
why he acts like he does is "i don't know
why my feelings change for you, if I did
then I would tell you". I believe he
needs help but cannot convince him to. I
have tried and tried again. I wish I
could go to him or try to contact him to
talk but he doesn't want to. Since oct
of this year I have tried on many
occasions but he just says "things have
changed, still love you but it's not that
easy, tired of the ups and downs". Thing
is the only downs we had were him changing
his mind about wanting to be with me one
minute and then not the next. We had
similar beliefs, values, never lied nor
cheated on each other. 3 weeks ago when
he didn't return my things and I went to
return his, he stood there at his door
barely opening it and I asked him for
answers, he gave nothing, barely a sorry.
It was so hard to see him so cold and
unfeeling. Only when I said tell me you
hate me, you don't love me or there is
someone else did he start to cry..And say
that there would be no one else and that
he did love me..Talk about confusing!
The worst was my daughter's hurt and pain
- he was the closest thing to a dad she
had..I truly wish I could go talk to him
and help but he doesn't want to see me, I
got that feeling 3 weeks ago. And it
hurt too much. But I did say to him if
he ever wanted to talk, I would be there.
So I am trying to mend the lives of me
and my children for now. Can I ask how
you know about bipolar? And does he seem
to have the signs of it?
Thanks
momix2
|
adamneedshelp
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Dec 2005 Posts: 5
Hi Again, Posted: 12-06-05 09:21am
I watched a movie on bipolar and was very
interested in it. I dont know for sure
why but it just seemed like an interesting
disease. I did a little research on the
web and read alot of comments from other
people and there problems with this. Now
I may not know everything like I said but
I know enough. And I want to help people
and give advice the best I can. To tell
for sure if he has bipolar or not I
couldnt tell you a certain answer because
to tell for sure u need to go see a docter
a get test done. And I understand that u
tried to get him to go and see someone and
get that done. But by what u told me and
the way he changes his moods and jumps
from one conclusion to the next I think it
could actually be a possibility if not
that it could be another psycological
disease or disorder I am not sure of
exactly. But like I said he would need to
go to a docter for certain answers. I am
sorry for you and your daughter. I really
am. Are u currently still in "love" with
him? I know u still will have feelings
for him and I kno u care for him, but u
kno I think what u need to do is either
try one more time and try to get him
better or I think u need to move on. Now
this may sound harsh but I mean you have a
daughter and yourself to think of too.
And it may be hard but maybe this is the
best. No one I fell should go through
life alone. Plus your daughter that u
love should have some male father figure
support as well. Question: your child who
exactly is this with, your boyfriends your
talking about now or...? Anyway u deserve
someone that can be there for u and treat
u the way u deserve to be treated. And
who knows u might either get ur boyfriend
some help or u might find yourself with
someone else. Either way by what u told
me u tried nd tried to help him but if he
refuses everytime maybe that all u can do,
u cant keep trying and holding on if hes
not willing to get help. I am sorry for
ur situation but hopefully u will find
what u are looking for soon! Feel free to
write back cuz I will be looking for u :d
*i wish u the best of luck in all your
decisions.*
adam
|
chochwesi
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 5 Location: Pennsylvania
Posted: 12-06-05 10:34am
:cry: first, I feel for your loss, as
confusing as this person made it, and more
so for your child, who obviously became
attached, and then nothing. No, chances
are he is not bi-polar, from what you've
said, he doesn't have the classic
symptoms. However, he does have something
wrong with him! As hard as it is, you are
better off finding someone else. This man
doesn't sound as if he is willing to seek
help, and my feelings are that he will
continue to play this ping pong game with
you in the future. You and your child
deserve better.
|
chochwesi
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 5 Location: Pennsylvania
Posted: 12-06-05 10:36am
:cry: first, I feel for your loss, as
confusing as this person made it, and more
so for your child, who obviously became
attached, and then nothing. No, chances
are he is not bi-polar, from what you've
said, he doesn't have the classic
symptoms. However, he does have something
wrong with him! As hard as it is, you are
better off finding someone else. This man
doesn't sound as if he is willing to seek
help, and my feelings are that he will
continue to play this ping pong game with
you in the future. You and your child
deserve better.
|
chochwesi
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 5 Location: Pennsylvania
Posted: 12-06-05 10:39am
:cry: first, I feel for your loss, as
confusing as this person made it, and more
so for your child, who obviously became
attached, and then nothing. No, chances
are he is not bi-polar, from what you've
said, he doesn't have the classic
symptoms. However, he does have something
wrong with him! As hard as it is, you are
better off finding someone else. This man
doesn't sound as if he is willing to seek
help, and my feelings are that he will
continue to play this ping pong game with
you in the future. You and your child
deserve better.
|
momix2
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Nov 2005 Posts: 3 Location: Canada
to Adamneeds Help Posted: 12-06-05 16:35pm
Thanks again,
as you said I tried and tried without
success and yes I do have to think of
myself and my daughter & son who is by
the way not his. Their father left us
just prior to her birth..
I cannot contact him again as I have my
dignity..Nothing more unattractive then a
woman trying to be with someone or in my
case help him when he doesnt want contact
with me..Although yes I still love him I
am angry as heck at him and disappointed
that he could just bolt without a word.
I have made a decision to move on and take
care of me and my children. Although I
am upset that he hasn't returned my
belongings, bike, house key, kids
things..Jewelry..Now I know they are all
material but just the same I don't
understand why he hasn't even after being
asked. I just don't want to contact him
again. I cannot make his problem mine -
however if we were together I would
support him one hundred percent, no
question. I just needed to wrap my head
around his behaviour because it was
unexplainable, that is when someone
suggested he may be bipolar. When things
were good they were over the moon when
they were bad they were really bad and he
usually bailed. Anyways, that is why I
came to this forum and realized that other
stories seemed similar to mine. Thanks
for your help
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